The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Neil C on January 09, 2019, 09:49:36 AM
-
Hi,
Here's a gentle little tune I co-wrote as part of FAWN in 2017. I've always liked it but thought I could do a better vocals, however its time to let it go and hear what you all think.
:)
Neil
https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/whitewash-master-18-feb-2017 (https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/whitewash-master-18-feb-2017)
Desert
Been so long since I made the great escape
Couldn’t stay ’cause I'll never be a slave
And I’ve been searching
I’ve been searching
And hoping one day I’ll find my place
In the desert
I’m in the desert
In the desert
But I know it’s gonna rain
Like many I have struggled with my faith
Feel the sun but I don’t understand its rays
Sometimes I’m straying
And then I’m praying
Hoping one day soon I’ll be okay
In the desert
I’m in the desert
In the desert
But I know it’s gonna rain
I’ve had to overcome so many hurdles
Still it seems I’m going round in circles
I’m looking for someone to come and take me by the hand
And lead me from this desert
Into the Promised Land
In the desert
I’m in the desert
In the desert
But I know it’s gonna rain
c 2017 haberman/connor
-
this is really beautiful Neil...so delicate, and even though your in the desert, it sounds sweet and somehow comforting :)
I love the delicate guitars and I think your vocals sound great...the harmonies are really nice :)
I think this is one of my favs of yours :)
-
Sweet as a nut, Neil...
Harmonies are great and those clean guitars are lovely. Nice hook too.
Are you doing FAWM again?
-
Lovely Neil. Super guitars and vocals sounding really good. Tasty solo and great atmospheric track
-
Hello Neil, nice harmonies there and good guitar playing. Singing is very good.Only thing I would criticise is the repeating in the chorus.
In the desert
I’m in the desert
In the desert
May it's only me but may it's worse to work on the chorus again.
Well done mate.
Alexander
-
Hi Neil,
I like the concept of being in a bad place but knowing it will end is what keeps you going. I would have maybe used another line in the chorus rather than repeating the "I'm in the desert" line. The musical setting is gorgeous and the solo at 2:34 is simply beautiful. Your vocal is great if a little wobbly here and there.
A lovely, relaxing listen.
M
-
Nice work Neil, reminded me at times of Lloyd Cole... especially that lovely filigree solo and the outro licks. Those guitars are the stars for me in this... could listen to them all night. Liked the positivity of the lyrics too.
-
A great tune, glad you let it go.
Paints a picture really well.
Cool lyrics and excellent guitars at the end.
An enjoyable listen.
Sandeep
-
For a minute there I thought it was a bin groove starting up ;D
This has a great laid-back feel to it Neil, and I love the guitar solos - soulful!
If it wasn't for the solos I'd be whining about length but they carry it through IMO.
Enjoyed it muchly - good write ;D
Paul
-
Yo Neil.
Lovely Knopfler style tones are very easy on the ear.
The vocals waver a little here and there,I reckon you could do a better take. Still it ain't no biggy and the song stands proud as it is.
There is a bit of David Gilmour about your vocals too,which can't be bad.
-
The beautiful and delicate guitar work stands in total contrast to the stark and harsh tone of the desert and the lyrics as a whole. It accentuates the harshness of the desert. Works very well imo.
I really liked this. My first instinct was that the lyric could cut back a little, but after several reads, and several listens I don't think there is any place to cut or any need to cut.
My first criticism was going to be that you needed to repeat the chorus..... but you already did that.
So, no nits at all.
-
Couldn't we all do a better job with our vocals...with unlimited time and talent!
I don't think there's anything wrong with yours hear though, certainly not to the extent that I would be rushing back to redo them.
Nice laid back track feel to this, and nicely produced. Cool guitar work, with feeling.
A fitting listen on the grey SUnday.
Well done.
Yodasdad
-
@Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) ,
delightful guitar intro solo and outro. The vocals need a little attention but you have created a lovely mood here. I'd love to have a go at singing the vocal if you're up for it.
fine song
Paul
-
Hi Neil!
Your song is in the softer margin of what I usually listen to, so I'd fancy it with just a bit more edge.
Great vocals and harmony. Superb guitar tone. Lined?
Martin
-
Great song concept, making the rain which is often a negative into a positive.
Nice and simple, melodic and tasteful - very good to listen to.
-
Yo Neil,
First of all those licks and the guitar solo are very nice.
Like the doubling of the vocals in places.
A very nice song and easy listen.
Sounds great
-
Nice tone on the guitar, and some nice playing too.
Cheers, Mikey
-
I really like the lyrics - as said above making rain a positive is an interesting concept - especially perhaps as we spend a lot of time complaining about it over here :-)!
Gorgeous guitar as well. I really enjoyed this @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856)
-
Pompeyjazz, "Super guitars and vocals sounding really good" :-)
fischermans, thanks for your thoughts, and your thoughts regarding the chorus
montydog - cheers and for your feedback "the musical setting is gorgeous and the solo at 2:34 is simply beautiful"
PaulyX - "Those guitars are the stars" :-)
Sandeep - Paints a picture really well - thanks for that
Paulski - a Bin groove - praise indeed!!
Skub - Knofler who?
Verlon - I really liked this!
Yodasdad - Nice laid back track feel to this, and nicely produced - appreciate it
Wicked, thanks for your comments and offer - will get it over to you
Martin - "Superb guitar tone. Lined" not sure I understand the Lined point?
Adam - thanks a lot for that
Cawproductions - thanks for the feedback
Mikey - thanks for the listen and commenting
MonnoDB - delighted you enjoyed it
-
Came back for a second listen, and liked it even better the second time around. This is now my favorite Neil Connor song.
I also came up with a suggestion. In the first verse, two consecutive lines say, "I've been searching, - I've been searching."
I would suggest "I've been searching - to find my freedom" to avoid the repetition.
-
Verlon,
‘My favorite Neil Connor song tm’ :-)
Interesting point about repetition, these lyrics were by someone else so I don’t want to amend them and in the context of this song, which sounds redemptive feels appropriate to me. Reappearing lines part of the songwriters toolkit, but needs to be used soaring imho.
:-)
Neil