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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Vintage54 on August 01, 2017, 05:06:06 PM
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Hello everyone, not wrote in the narrative style for a spell, so i thought i'd put that right. It's a bit of an epic, but i hope you stick with it. I guess it's about hopes dashed, greed, betrayal and luck, mostly luck.
Me and Klondike Pete.
Let me tell you about a man i knew
The kind i hope you don't meet
The kind that leaves a man to die
His name was Klondike Pete
I took him as a partner
I thought he was my friend
The deal was fifty fifty
He didn't keep his end
The lure of gold had driven us north
Where only the mountains belong
Where the wind breaks the heart of the feeble
And bends the will of the strong
The land at first was hard and mean
Till we hit a winning streak
And it started giving up it's gold
To me and Klondike Pete
And that land just kept on giving
Till it couldn't give no more
But we figured we were rich men
When we tallied up the score
Then i went down with a fever
And while i shivered in it's throes
He left me at the mercy
Of the unforgiving snows
If it wasn't for a trapper
That fortune sent my way
I surely would have perished
On a cold and lonesome day
Thanks to him i made it back
And soon regained my strength
And swore i'd make that scoundrel pay
For his cowardly offence
I turned every stone i found
And everyone i did meet
I asked them all the same question
Have you seen Klondike Pete
I was a long time getting nowhere
Till Jack the gambler said
"I must be talking to a ghost
Klondike swore that you were dead
I met him at the tables
Dressed to kill and flashing cash
I read his poker face with ease
And chipped away his stash
He said the fever took you
Shook the life right out of your bones
He prayed the Lord your soul to keep
And covered your body with stones
Last i heard he was trading
Out east on Hudson bay
The sun was shining on him
And he was making hay"
So i left the west behind
The east was now my goal
The words of Jack the gambler
Renewed my weary soul
When i made it to the Hudson
I put some feelers out
A man there said "i think i know
Just who you're talking about
A most unpleasant fellow
The kind that likes to boast
I believe you'll find his company
Bout ten miles down the coast"
I followed his directions
And my heart near did explode
When i saw his name emblazoned
On a building cross the road
I was ready to confront him
When a funeral passed in the street
And a man removed his hat and said
"There goes Klondike Pete"
I cursed the day i met him
I cursed all cheating men
And i cursed death for helping him
To cheat me once again
It seems a jealous lover's gun
Proved fatal to his health
If i'd got to him before her
I'd have shot the bastard myself
I guess that life's a game of cards
And it's luck that rules us all
Some are dealt the aces
While for others deuces fall
So I'm gambling in the north again
Hoping history will repeat
Trying to win back the gold
I lost to Klondike Pete.
Vintage54
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Hey Vintage
Stick with it? How could I not?
Great tale of betrayal and failed revenge!
Too many great lines to pick a few as favourites - but you know which ones are best already ;D
Good stuff - you've struck gold IMHCO!
Paul
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Too long to be commercial. . . but don't change a line, and don't shorten it a bit. It's an artistic masterpiece, and it would be a shame to change it to make it commercial.
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Love it. Story songs are, as acknowledged by every single person on this forum (*), the finest sort of song. I look forward to hearing this with a nice acoustic folksy backing.
A couple of tiny thoughts:
Some lines don't always scan as well as others - no issue now, and I'm sure when put to music the phrasing will take care of this
In this verse:
Thanks to him i made it back
And soon regained my strength
And swore i'd make that scoundrel pay
For his cowardly offence
the word cowardly seems wrong to me. It was a double crossing, mean and evil thing Pete did - but cowardly?
And here:
I was a long time getting nowhere
Till Jack the gambler said
"I must be talking to a ghost
Klondike swore that you were dead
I met him at the tables
Dressed to kill and flashing cash
I read his poker face with ease
And chipped away his stash
I thought for a moment that you'd met Klondike at the table in the second of these verses. I was just confused for a moment. Easy fix to change the opening of the second quoted verse to:
I met Jack at the tables
From a dramatic point of view I was disappointed that after all the searching he arrived only to find Klondike dead. It was sort of unsatisfying, but then the last few verses turn it on it's head, so it does work. Also, maybe the last line shouldn't be lost to Klondike Pere but stole by Klondike Pete?
(*) Not quite true
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Vintage,
An enjoyable story with a neat twist and ending.
Good stuff.
:)
neil
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Great story, V54
I also think the "cowardly offence" part stuck out a tiny bit...because that was "just" ok and the rest was really excellent...you can't always write that many lines and make them all superb...sometimes you have to settle for just 99% :D
Do you tweak your strokes of genius after they're written, or do you just leave them be?
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Thanks all, for taking the time. I know i don't always reply to comments on my lyrics, don't want to be seen to be pushing them back to the top of the list, Whoops! But i can assure you, i take on board everything i read, the negatives feed the hunger. As to your question Paul, sometimes i tweak after posting, but you can't tweak forever, you gotta move on.
Thanks again
Vintage54
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Great story, and well written, I agree with Del about being confused about who he met at the gambling table, I had to read that part again to see what was happening, and a few of the lines didn't quite fit the rythm, but I find that you always have to modify lyrics when you set them to the music so I don't think you will have any problems.
Nice job
Mikey
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I enjoyed the whole thing
But as others have mentioned I got confused when he met someone at a poker table
Was a fun read.
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I really enjoyed this. I love when people can tell a story through songs, and this one seemed almost like a poem. I'd love to hear it if it's recorded someday.