Welcome to the Forum Mizz A Mind,
your poem is easy to understand in isolation. Its bleak and long but gets over the person's loathing for himself. The problem for me is I see many of the qualities the poem sees as weaknesses as strengths. The person comes across as kind and considerate.
I can hear it read over a Throbbing Gristle track. I wouldn't buy it though unless the music was excellent.
Feel free to ignore me if you disagree. I look forward to reading some more of your words.
Keith
Thank you very much for the feedback! The voice of the poem is very much Quiet's externalized inner-monologue, often mocking either his opinion of himself or imitating the perception which he believes the world to have of him.
Quiet is a kind person. The flaws that I as the writer, (and not the voice utilized throughout the poem,) am trying to illustrate is that he is terrified to satisfy his own needs and mend his own pain whenever doing so would, in his mind, present any burden on another person, specifically his love interest.
He is quiet about the way she seems to treat him because, despite catering to her whims and needs, because he worries that the moment that he presents any of his own discontentment to her, he will be abandoned.
Quiet has an unhealthy view of himself, and only just towards the end is reassured that it's OK for him to feel hurt and indulge himself. That's why the poem is berating him for being kind and quiet. It's quite a complex thing to convey so, based on this, I should see if I can revise this at all to clarify, though I also want to keep things somewhat vauge so that people can project onto Quiet.