[jimbles]

Right this is my first lyric post up! Just want your thoughts and such! It falls more into hip hop due to the way it's wrote and worded and other various reasons. It's just a quick write up, done in 5 mins, just want your thoughts on what I've got so far? As I want to adjust it and make amendments based on views.

Cheers, here it is, It's called come calling home


INTRO
we all makes mistakes my darling,
just give me the chance to prove to you.....


VERSE 1
I know that I made mistakes,
With stakes as deep as lakes,
I was blind to all that I forsake,
And it's your heart that I break,
But it's also my heart in ache,
let me know  what it'll take,
This whole damn head ache,
hit like an earthquake,
like a 10 on the ritcher, it made me shake,
so as I said, let me know what it'll take
So I can ease the pain,
without any personal gain,
Like a queen you reign,
my whole heart supreme,
You can see it through the rain,
There's no need to strain,
No gain, no pain, I'll never feign,
That this all takes over my brain,
Worlds crashed with the force of a cane,
So I'm gonna let this out in vain,


CHORUS
I know what I did,
It was completely wrong,
I'm hoping you'll feel,
my pain through this song,
So I'm going to keep singing,
Until you come home calling.
Till you come home x2


VERSE 2
I know it's not my concern,
I didn't mean to let you burn,
Took your heart and made it churn,
Like butter, I made you turn,
you look at me now, all kind of stern,
From this mistake I'll learn,
For you back is all I yearn,
You say there's no return,
Like the writings on the wall,
No stopping me, I'll walk tall,
If I'm knocked down, I'll crawl,
No time to stop, no time to stall,
In case I don't make it at all,
Answer my call, watch me fall,
I've learnt my lesson, I'm now small,
Just answer my phonecall,
Listen to me beg, the mall,
I'll do it where ever, your call,
I can do it in the middle of the whole damn mall,
Or I can do it to you at the ball in the hall


CHORUS
I know what I did,
It was completely wrong,
I'm hoping you feel,
my pain through this song,
So I'm going to keep singing,
Until you come home calling.
Till you come home x2

[Nathan1709]

Hi Jimbles.  I really like the imagery and language you use ('hit like an earthquake, like a 10 on the ritcher, it made me shake' for instance) but I am not overly fond on the rhyme scheme in the verses where everything rhymes.  I think that can work with shorter verses but in longer songs it can get a bit monotonous.  However, despite my appreciation for the genre I am by no means an expert and this bis a personal thing for me so feel free to disregard these comments.

[jimbles]

I can see what you mean there Nath, I'll take them into account. As I said, it was a quick 5 minute idea I had, will post some others up, as majority aren't like that

[Nathan1709]

I really like the wording though mate.  It strikes me as unusually eloquent for a hip hop track, not that I wish to generalise about the whole genre but it is unusual to my mind tosee such vocabulary demonstrated in such a track.

[jimbles]

I really like the wording though mate.  It strikes me as unusually eloquent for a hip hop track, not that I wish to generalise about the whole genre but it is unusual to my mind tosee such vocabulary demonstrated in such a track.

Cheers for the wording comment!

Well sometimes I like to try and incorporate more feelings into it, like making it stand out to others in it's genre for that reason, that it gives more in depth and that!

[tone]

It's interesting that you let us know that you wrote this quickly in one sitting, because it has tremendous energy, which is typical for a stream of consciousness kind of writing.

I don't think it's fair to be overly critical since it was written so quickly.  I'd say: whatever you change in this song, make sure you keep the energy it has.  My favourite line is 'If I'm knocked down, I'll crawl' - very strong. Good work.

[jimbles]

Cheers, why is it interesting I told you?

And thanks for the tips!

[tone]

It's interesting because it has the kind of energy I find in my own stream-of-consciousness writing. I think it's the lifeblood of what you've written and should be preserved in any future edits.  Had you not told me, I would have responded differently I suppose.