The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on November 16, 2018, 01:11:10 PM
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Hello everyone,
This song is born of a conversation I had with my 3 year old son recently. I’m a window cleaner by trade and he thinks that I also clean the moon!! ;D
The song is weird in terms of structure...the hooks weird...but I wanted to have a beat in there that my boy might actually wanna shake his little butt too! Haha!
All thoughts are welcome and thanks as always.
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/starboy-and-moonman
Lyrics.
Last night my three year old came marching up to me
He said daddy you clean the moon right?
And I was like, yeah that’s what I do....I clean the moon!
He said well next time you go, I’m coming too...
Listen daddy I’m serious, I’ve been a busy boy!
I’ve been practicing on all my cars, cleaning all my toys
I’ve made them nice and shiny, and I think I’m ready!
Plus mummy says you can use the help
She’ll hold the ladder steady.
I wanna climb high, up there with you
And make the world a little brighter just like you do
And when we have cleaned the moon...I’ll clean the stars
You can keep the moon daddy...I want the stars!
I know it’s very high and space pirates fill the sky
But I’m not scared of them, no daddy, I’ve got Bonkers and you
And I know Kung Fu! ....right.
Well then if that’s the case my boy you’ve got the job.
Come meet me by my ladder, don’t forget your hat and scarf
Cos it’s cold up there and dangerous sometimes
But I know pirates don’t like dinosaurs, so they won’t steal our shine.
Come on let’s climb high, I’ll show you the view
You make the whole world brighter, by just being you
And when we have cleaned the moon and it shines like the sun
If you want the stars....you take ‘em. :)
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Hi LostBoy,
Great production. Very professional, great vocal. Good pop song.
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Well Leo,
Not much to say here.......Except, Pro sound with very clever lyrics and as ever that smooth Lostboy Vocal....
For me it totally took me back to conversations I had with my young kids, their imagination is inspiring. Why don't we dream like that as we get older?
Very nice....
Andy
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Whato @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - Great idea for a song, tight execution, nice that your lad is in it.
You got the level of elements absolutely spot on, all to easy to keep adding and adding to a good song.
real talent and a good voice...
What does you Boy think of it?
Rich
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What a charming song!
You put us right there with the lyrics too.
Perfect pitch on those vocal climbs.
Nary a nit to be found - oh, maybe "I'll hold the ladder steady" - now that's really bottom scraping for sth to nit about innit? :D
Paul
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Aw, this one got me. My dad was also a window cleaner, along with all his brothers, so it made me think it's something he would have sung to me when I was three. It's really sweet and lovely. Well written and sung.
Lynn
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Hello Lost Boy, very very cool song. Like your voice very much. Very clear production, my compliment.
Good lyrics and cool illustration from Manu.
Alexander
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Hey great, song. really like the vocal harmonies in the chorus and how the two choruses lyrics are altered slightly. Good job
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Hi LB - very cute and nicely put together. I wasn't sure about the backing vocals at first, but listening from the point of view of a child / family, I think they are absolutely the way to go.
I think it's hooky enough for that and for me.
Enjoy singing and shaking along. He'll be a teenager and listening to trap or something before you know.
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Great idea for a song. The imagination of a child, developed and immortalised by daddy.
I don't feel I've got anything new to say here as all your stuff is quality. Well orchestrated, great storytelling and imagery, melody, vocals, structure all top notch.
Just bloody good Leo.
Yodasdad
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This is a good sounding pop song I really do appreciate you posting it so I could have gotten the chance to listen to it. keep it up and good luck.
Irwin
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@SlavaB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19895) @Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) @irwin (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19439) @redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) @fischermans (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19014) @Jack_Diamond. (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22077) @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) Thanks very much for all of your encouraging feedback. I really appreciate it.
@paulski hahaha!! You’d let a 3 year old foot your ladder would ya?? Haha! Good luck with that! 🤣😜 Thanks for your kind feedback buddy!🎶👊🏻🎶
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This song is beautiful beyond belief. The sentiment of a little boy who thinks the world of his DAD is excellent. Your song evokes a magical feeling that will resonate with so many people.
Well done my friend :)
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Leo this is just lovely - you’ve really captured the magical world of the small child. Made me more than a little nostalgic I must admit.. beautifully sung, played, produced. Just fab!
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I love the production of this and the story the song tells is really moving. It's so lovely.
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Everything you do oozes absolute quality. Great inspiration for a song
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It is a beautiful story, a letter that creates delicious images in the mind carried by the hand for your soft and delicate interpretation, and when the theme opens from 1.18 it is even more beautiful. I liked it a lot. Your child could be a Wizard one day because with his questions he walks among the stars.
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Hi, I can only echo all the other comments, great vocals as usual. Lovely idea for a song.
Good stuff!
Cheers
Jamie
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Gawd bless the little fella...
What a super song...your vocals are always fantastic...but it's it's the story here that takes the biscuit for me.
Loads of great, fun lines and the wide-eyed innocence of the little guy's view of life is very refreshing.
Fabulous stuff, mate!
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Cute back story - X Factor would love that ...I could see tears in the audience and waving of hands as this one got going.....Plain plump middle aged women would fall in love with you as they showed a film of you cleaning windows as your son looks through the other side of the window.....its got winner written all over this one.
All joking aside........Lovely song - i have a heart a stone and it nearly got me going :)
One of the best i have heard for a while on here.
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@Yodasdad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19208) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) @Morefrog Jones (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20200) @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253)
A huge thankYOU everyone for your positive feedback, I really appreciate it! I’m so happy that this very personal song seems to touch others aswell. You can’t hope for much more than that as a songwriter.😊👍🏻🙏🏻🎶
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Absolutely gorgeous writing, singing and playing. Man, are you ever wasted cleaning windows! I can only stand back and admire the talent and application here. Everything is perfect - I could just go on and on but others have covered it already.
Sublime. Made my day.
M
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Absolutely brilliant - can you imagine what this will mean to you both in 20 years? The danger with writing about our own (little, innocent) kids is that it ends up sounding a bit twee and sickly. But you have written a mini script for a fantasy adventure together and it's amazing! Your vocals, guitar and production do justice to a top, top drawer song. I was blown away!
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I am genuinely staggered at the beauty of this lovely..lovely song, Disney should make a movie just so they can use this song..and if you don't clean the moon who the heck does?...great lyrics.
Best, Kevin :)
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@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) @Bill Saunders (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18525) @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024)
Ah man...thanks sooo much fellas, your feedback has totally made my day!! 😊🎶👊🏻🎶
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Hi Leo
Lovely song and a nice arrangement, top notch vocals as always, I like the way you have used the harmonies., try not to fall off the ladder, its a long drop from the moon!
Cheers, Mikey
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I would not change a thing, absolutely love this song for lots of reasons
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Beautiful and well crafted song.
Excellent vocals and production.
Great Lyrics.
Sandeep