The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: exfairy on October 15, 2017, 02:12:37 PM
-
I wrote part of this one when I was a lil down (it's basically part of a diary entry tbh) and have edited it since. The recording isn't a perfect one (as usual). I didn't use a metronome and no extra harmonies but it has all the ideas there. I'm probably going to edit the verse melody.
Thoughts?
Link: https://soundcloud.com/exfairy/first-sign-of-defeat/s-jkX8P
Lyrics:
I write by diffuser light
Even early in the night
A house with weak satellite
Life of a suburbanite
Cos I'm confined to life behind bars
Nobody wants to see my scars
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believes
And nobody cares
Not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
I try and I try and I try again
But somehow the message wouldn't send
That I'm not okay
And I'm glad you've never felt this way
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believes
And nobody cares
Not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
Screams and shouts
Are no use x4
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Just as the camera shutter goes x2
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believes
And nobody cares
Not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Just as the camera shutter goes x3
Screams and shouts
Are no use x2
The first sign of defeat
-
This is really powerful stuff and you really take us into the mind of someone who is on the edge. The lyrics are excellent for this (you set yourself an ambitious rhyme scheme - which is hard to pull off and can also risk making things sound un-serious but I think it totally works here).
I think the slightly frantic pace and solo instrument are important for the vulnerability of the subject matter. I also hear additional harmonies but I'm not sure whether it should have much more of a build. Because the uke is quite limited in range maybe the addition of some non-electric low end (bass or guitar or piano?) at selected moments could work.
Hearing the ukelele, I can't help but ask "what would Amanda Palmer do now?". Probably play her own shoe of course as here:
though her Ukelele Anthem has no other instruments...
It's a really good song though which probably means that this all comes down to personal preferences and your vision for it, and you should definitely complete it (whatever that means for you).
-
You have a very endearing voice and it is complimented so well by ukulele. I've got to buy a ukulele las they'have such a distinctive sound.
It's unusual that the tone of the lyrics contrasts sharply with the music. The lyrics are dark yet the music is at times uplifting.
I would suggest that's you record this again so that's the tempo is consistent. You will always then have something to return to, add musical sections and perhaps offer up for collaboration.
Overall, I think there is something quite beautiful here. I hope you don't mind me saying that the song needs to be analysed, and rewritten so that the lyrics fall effortlessly into a more rigid framework. This would ensure that the words flow and that nothing is forced to fit. I hear great potential in your song but with a little more attention, this could be wonderful. Well done.
Paul
-
Yo exfairy.
Lyrically the song makes for uncomfortable listening.
A hopeless,closed in,claustrophobic litany of someone who can see no good way forward. I sincerely hope you made your way through.
In many ways the song transcends entertainment and becomes a narration of a life experience. Music from the heart will always be evident in a performance.
Points to make otherwise?
The Uke drowns out your voice at times and needs to be further back and as Paul mentioned,there is potential there to further tamper with the song structure to create more impact.
It's cool what you create by just your voice and a Uke,that tells you something when I say I absolutely loathe ukuleles. :D
Cool work. :)
-
The lyrics are powerful and you sound very vunerable. It's a song with a lot of feeling. I can agree with some of the comments above regarding the volume of the Uke. Your vocals are excellent and deserve to be heard
-
Hi,
As others have said powerful subject.
I think it is worth re-recording, you sounding like you were trying to work out some of the melody on the verse as you went. You have an really interesting vocals so the singing should be on top of the energetic uke. Liked the approach to harmonies towards the end.
So if you are going to re-record you have the opportunity to make it less of a demo whilst trying to ensure that the energy comes through
good luck
:)
neil
-
Thanks for the feedback!
This isn't anything musically perfect or put together but more like bits of ideas strung together. I will absolutely sit down again and revise it (not too happy with verse lyrics, or melody for that matter. And the recording, yes I will absolutely look at that again. I think I recorded this at like 11pm at night so didn't want to be too loud :P
I was curious as to thoughts on slightly depressing lyrical content against a relatively jolly backing?
Also @skub - sorry for always using the uke! It's my favourite instrument to play and the easiest to experiment on for me XD
-
Okay been a while but finally rewrote it. Also recorded on my new electric tenor uke :)
There are no harmonies or fancy stuff but it's in time and it's the bare skeleton of the song. Thoughts? :)
Link: https://soundcloud.com/exfairy/first-sign-of-defeat-3/s-pRMJ7
Lyrics:
Check the road so no one can see
What tripping on nothing does to me
Tripping on nothing makes me wana leave
Up and down, in and out
It seems my brain has grown a sprout
Eating up my every joy
Alright head, lets not deploy
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believe and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believe
The first sign of defeat
Don't be fooled by this melody,
My mind is clinging desparately
To every single happy thought
That I never felt and was only taught
Every time I cry for help
There's a certain lack of sighs and yelps
Pushed to the side and down the drain
No wonder I'm going insane
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believe and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believe
The first sign of defeat
Screams and shouts are no use x2
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Before I can even utter a word x2
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believe and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believe
The first sign of defeat
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Before I can even utter a word x3
Screams and shouts are no use x2
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
-
Hi!
I like your song. It feels like a good candidate to an alternative soundtrack to the movie Juno.
The two versions are quite different. I like the first ukulele better.
The melody is in some places a bit predictable just going up or down. Maybe repeating a few notes could make it more lively.
Martin
-
Lyrics were powerful stuff. I think I've been there!!!! "The day never ends And the night is not my friend" and the "famous and dead" lines were great. I agree the chipper music and subject are at odds, but also that infact they do work in a way. Ie you're "putting on a brave face" with the music masking your truth, so much so that "they" don't see/understand how you really feel. You could try chucking in some dark/shade/sad chords in there somewhere to see how it felt, but i like it as is too. Cool!
-
What a sweet voice ! Sounds so nice layered and harmonized. Lyrics sound like they came from a deep place. My favorite line: “Small quiet clutter melt the cries like butter”
I really like the eq and sound of the uke. Is it miked or does it have a pickup? I could have heard your voice mixed a little louder. Nice work!
-
Great lyrics and excellently performed. I enjoyed the first version better (sorry I know you've put a lot of effort into rewriting) as I feel it is more fragile and reflects the lyrics better.
You have an excellent voice and I have heard other excellent songs like this from you. Keep them coming
Thanks
Darren
-
Hey Haz
I tell you it's always a joy whenever I check your stuff out.
You can obviously write and sing, and there's tons of potential; I'd love to hear a by more going on musically and better recording quality for these to really shine.
Avoided listening to the original, but I thought these lines were cool and then double-kudos when noticing they were added for the second version. That could even be a hook for a whole new song.
Don't be fooled by this melody,
My mind is clinging desparately
These lines are really powerful too
I try and I try and I try again
But somehow the message wouldn't send
That I'm not okay
And I'm glad you've never felt this way
I think a lot of us have felt the same but that doesn't stop the feeling of seclusion. I hope his is either a retrospective lyric or that you find yourself whole again soon.
All the best,
Scott.
-
Hi! I think the same as Skub!
Lyrics are really dramatic, why not, we are used to hearing all kinds of lyrics, generally kind, that is why seeing something like this is overwhelming.
Be well. Mora
-
Been a while, I know. Lots of things have happened but I've finally reworked this song. I'm a lot happier with this one. I need to work on the mixing and effects and stuff, I know, but general thoughts?
Link: https://soundcloud.com/exfairy/first-sign-of-defeat-update/s-3KLLT
Lyrics:
I write by diffuser light
Even early in the night
And look around
For the source of the fright
Hung on the walls
A battered board of darts
Can't you see
I'm behind bars?
The day never ends
And the night is not my friend
Nobody believes and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
Can't you see that I'm not okay?
Well I'm glad you've never felt this way
But the more you procrastinate
The more my fingers begin to break
Don't be fooled by this melody
My mind is clinging so desperately
Nobody believe and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
Screams and shouts are no use x2
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Before I can even utter a word x2
I'm on the edge
And even though I begged
Nobody believe and nobody cares
No not unless you're famous and dead
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
Small quiet clutter
Melt the cries like butter
Screams and shouts are pushed down the gutter
Before I can even utter a word x5
Screams and shouts are no use x3
Nobody believes
The first sign of defeat
-
Well...I was thinking that it was maybe too long but actually it builds lovely to the end. It works without a big production but with the right production this would be a corker. It's great without and it is really well performed and I am glad you decided to rework it.
You have a very nice vocal and well thought out and delivered lyrics. The instrumental works, nice and simple and some percussion to get my feet a stomping.
It's a thumbs up from me
Darren