Hi
@adamfarr,
I'm working my way through version 1. It's an original beginning in that it reveals so much about both parties i.e the kiss had to be meaningful to one person before it would happen. You also reveal that it would also mean more to the second person, "my desires were always authentic." There are two contrasting values which I believe creates tension within a relationship. Sweeping across to version 2, verse 1, it reads so much better so well done for this accomplishment. Pre ch1 reiterates the same dilemma, supporting the idea that there is disappointment. I'm looking across to version 2. Whilst I've just confessed to noticing a marked improvement and acknowledging this technique, I now have to say that this section loses a degree of expressed disapoinment/possible heartache. The use of "I "gives the lyric a greater feeling of sadness and I believe that you should aim to achieve this. I would reiterate the same point for the chorus. The ideas presented, are loaded with emotion. I'd be tempted to write:
You were a giver;
giving yourself with passion.
I was a giver
but I was giving myself.
I've omitted the word 'just' as I believe that to give is not a small gesture. One gives herself with passion, which is a beautiful gesture. The other gives himself. This implies that he gives completely. So that contribution outweighs to give with passion which I believe is a striking contrast.
It was easy for me to leave
to run from your clasp riding shotgun
It was easier to believe
that I'd be free to leave in the long run
Big apologies for the amendment. I guess that's how a face to face writing project might develop. My thought process leads me to reflect upon leaving a relationship where there is an imbalance and so, one person no longer continues to nourish the relationship. The shotgun element suggests a strong element of anger/diisappointment. the final stanza clearly indicates that we may wish to believe that we have severed ties with someone but that is rarely the case or that it doesn't happen easily.
Pre ch 2 would then reiterate the same point.
Of course such amendments would create the necessity for a rewrite of the final verse. I'd perhaps write about how the ideals of a boy in love can be very intense. A kind of warning that says unless his commitment is matched, then the relationship will falter. Equally a young man may experience the disappointments of life and love. What he then brings to a relationship may one day be less than what the other person brings.
One or two thoughts for you to think about aAam. Hope you don't mind the suggestions. We all have. a different approach as writers and you are very able to steer this in whatever direction you choose. I will however, say that I love the ideas that are present in your lyrics. Please fell free to implement or discard any of the ideas that I have suggested. Much depends on the musical syllables that you have available and whether you might wish to alter them. It's always a delight to hear from you and respond to anything that you post. I have nothing but respect for your wonderful input in 'Le Rock 'n' Roll."
Great to hear new work from you Adam.
Paul
