The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MonnoDB on April 05, 2024, 03:09:00 PM
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Hi there...
Very simple piano and vox here.. It's a song I've been kind of trying to write for years but could never really get it right - my father died when I was in my early 20s so long before I had kids and long before I'd even thought of writing a song and while I've written many songs about loss, I could never really crack one about my Dad... always seemed schmalzy, maybe because I was further from the loss, not sure.. Anyhoo, maybe this one is too. I always struggle with levels and getting the vox level right even with a 1+1 so I've been moving the virtual knobs up and down for the last couple of days so time for some feedback - on any aspect of it as always as I continue my tweaking.. Thanks of course to JB as always for encouragement in a) not binning it and b) keeping it lean..
I see your silver hair and your smile
So proud yet all the while
Pleased to lead from behind
You always took the time
To let us speak our minds
So sure that we’d shine
Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you
So many nights, by the phone
You said never walk alone
So you ferried us home
Not a harsh word from your lips
Just the same sound script
And a hug and a kiss
Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you
Now I’ve kids of my own
I see them through your eyes as they grow
You’d have loved them, I know
So I bring you to them instead
An extra kiss to the head
As I put them to bed
Like glowing embers, I still remember
Love warm and tender
Home was to be near you
That twinkle, that mischievous wink
But gone in a blink
I miss you, I miss you
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Your voice is born to sing songs like this one, and your others', I love everything here, the melodies, fragile at times, so special and moving, precious song @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
When listening to music and asking to give an opinion on it, occasionally it happens that ’m short of words to describe it. Words like ‘beautiful’, ‘emotional’ , lovely’ and ‘touching’ come to mind, but they all feel like empty shells compared to the music itself. All I can say is that this is an outstanding performance. It breaths, it touches emotions, also your voice is really beautiful (there you have it: 'beautiful'... damn language limitations), and while it’s ‘only’ chords on a piano it never gets boring.
The harmonies starting at “Like glowing embers” are especially beautiful. Eh beautiful… beautiful… beautiful. Arghhh stupid language! Grmbl. Hm, we should evolve another type of language to describe music. Or… (eureka)… maybe music is the language to describe music? haha ???
Hope I’m not babbling too much ::)
Guess I’m allowed to since it’s 6.30 in the morning when I write this.
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Hi Karen.
I could easily believe this is a song written by Kate Bush. It has all of her power of delivery,delicate potency and intimate communication.
"I see them through your eyes",strikes a chord with me. Often with close friends and family who have passed,I'll imagine allowing them to see through my eyes. It feels like there is still a connection.
A very touching tribute to your Dad. It took me 50 years to write a song for my mum who died when I was 12. The subject always seemed too emotive and I feared I wouldn't be good enough to do it justice.
Beautiful work Karen,thanks very much for sharing. I don't listen or play these days,but your songs always have a pull.
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There aren't enough ballads in the world, and they're hard to pull off, but this is fabulous. The simplicity is perfect for the song. I'm guessing you wouldn't have considered a good VST piano instead for the sake of production?
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) you're so good thank you for your lovely comments.
@Dorian (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22899) - wow that's early to be listening and reviewing.. no, not babbling - I hear you on reviewing and finding the words. Thanks for your words!
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) - how the hell are you? I'm sorry to hear that you're not writing and playing at the moment and I hope that passes and to hear some new stuff from you - I completely get the ebb and flow of it all. Yeah I know it's hard isn't it with these big themes. It's been really interesting for me recording and singing this. My Dad is so present in my head, images really clear, connections strong. I was at a funeral yesterday of a friend who died at the same age my Dad was, so even more poignant. This is always what songwriting has been for me.. Therapy.. Thanks so much for the listen and comments. I really value your opinion.
@Bankie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21332) - I guess you mean the peripheral noise? Creaky stool, pedals and nails on ivories? Tbh it took some convincing for me to start recording mic'd acoustic piano a while back. VST is so much easier in ways - you can edit what you don't like and there's no "outside" noise but for this sort of song, there's no comparison with what comes out when I sit down at an acoustic piano and when I sit at my Nord. I'm not saying that my playing is anything special (far from it) but the feel of the keys for me is enough to compensate for the shuffling and the creaking :) ! And I know that the timing is fluid, but that's how I play in real life.. Thanks so much for the listen and the feedback - much appreciated!
K
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I like a bit of peripheral noise - the lack of that is the downside of VSTs. The upside is a perfectly miked-up recording, something very difficult with a real piano. There's definitely something to be said for going full-acoustic, so it's not really a crit; was just interested in whether it was under consideration, but you've answered that.
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@Bankie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21332) perhaps my treatment and mixing of the tracks could be better - I actually have 3 mics on the piano. I didn't take it as a crit / in a negative way at all. It was an interesting observation and I thank you for it.
K
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Hi Karen . . . vocal delivery, the song, and the lyric are excellent, very moving for me personally, I think you've finally captured what you've been wanting to say for so long emotionally . . . though, I really feel the clarity in the mix / recording could be improved . . . believe me, that's hard for me to tell you, because it's such an amazing thing I feel as I listen to it. Anyways, this is a songwriter site, it's a super heartsong ! . . . my first listen was not seeing the lyrics, my second listen was reading along with the lyrics, world of difference. (OK, maybe you're no audio wizard, but I really love this song !)
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High quality performance and production as ever.
Fine lyrics. A chorus is often difficult for me.
This one is excellent.
"Home is to be near you"
Heartwarming and concise.
I like the chorus ending on the oohs too.
😆 adjusting the knobs and tweaking, yes, arduous buy necessary.
You're fortunate to have had a good father.
That 1st verse is ai powerful.
Well done.
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Hi @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
Ah. I wondered when I heard this on SC the other day, whether this was based on personal experience as this has that real world wisdom imbedded within it. It actually brought me back here today as I wondered if you'd have posted with a backstory. I admire your patience in waiting for the moment to be right to write and do justice to the subject. It pays off in the maturity, vulnerability and delicate beauty of the finished song. I think the levels sounds good to me. I think the piano sounds much more tangible and versatile for it's natural quality and I think it was 100% the right choice.
It bears repeating, but I truly love your voice. So full of character alongside your superb sense of rhythm and prosody. You deserve a much wider audience.
As a father, (I hope I don't overstep the mark here) I will say that, if either of my children grown up with your maturity and talent, I will be very proud indeed.*
Best wishes,
CCB
*I'm proud of them already but you know what I mean ;)
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Hey @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
This is beautiful, and your voice has an innocent beauty to it. Your delivery has just the right dynamics and creates a sense of drama. The listener is drawn into the story of the song because of your performance here.
I've not read any other comments so not sure if th is has been mentioned, but it reminds me of This Woman's Work by Kate Bush, which is one of my favourite songs of all time.
Occasionally a song pops up on this forum which is of commercial release standard, and I feel this is one of them.
Very well done and thanks for sharing.
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Hi there - such an amazing "homage" to your father. Great detail - I particularly like the you'll never walk alone verse - so real and relatable. (It's interesting how each verse has been picked out by someone to relate to). Your voice is always authentic but here probably never more.
Personally (uh-oh here it comes) I might have looked for some less perfect chorus rhymes to avoid being too sweet, but it also doesn't feel artificial in any way and so is actually great.
Another great, and I might say important, song, very individual and very universal at the same time, which is a winning combination.
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@popitup (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22885) - thanks for your lovely comments. I'm surely no audio wizard :) Happy to take any specific pointers as to how I can improve the production / mixing - obviously too late to change the recording !!
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) - hey!! Thanks so much.. Yep that knob twiddling is a pain but necessary... And yes, I was fortunate to have such a great father albeit cut short - but yes, that's a lovely observation and yes I feel lucky!
Hey @CorkingCrackBand (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22974) - how's it going? : ) Yep the backstory is real and boy did it take a while to get to this. Thanks so much for those lovely comments, although I'm not so sure about the maturity thing - in age for sure but ... :) Thanks again!
@Nick Ryder (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=23004) - lovely comments.. I'd love to be able to take the KB ref and run with it but I'm in awe of her so will just revel in the fact she popped into your mind. I absolutely adore This Woman's Work and her vocal on it.. Thanks so much for your fab words..
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - well it's funny you should comment on those rhymes because I very often favour more what's referred to as a "near rhyme" at a push :) and here I am with "wink" rhyming with "twinkle" :) and more besides ::) .. Thanks for the listen and comments.. Much appreciated!
K
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@popitup (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22885) - thanks for your lovely comments. I'm surely no audio wizard :) Happy to take any specific pointers as to how I can improve the production / mixing - obviously too late to change the recording !!
Hi Karen . . . I just noticed when listening that the overall volume was low . . . sure, you can turn volume up to listen similar to other online song volumes, though, the vocals could also use a bit more sibilance (high end frequencies to help with speech /voice recognition - 4 to 8k) The mic'd piano recording you captured sounds pretty good.
I just think the vocals (and therefore lyrics) could have better clarity. I sincerely hope you find this helpful, because as I said . . . the song is top notch, and I've learned that the pronunciation part of the audio recording is very important for the listener.
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Kate Bush has already had a mention, and I get that. This is beautiful, fabulous vocals and piano - nothing more I can add to what's already been said. Excellent :)
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@popitup (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22885) - thanks for your lovely comments. I'm surely no audio wizard :) Happy to take any specific pointers as to how I can improve the production / mixing - obviously too late to change the recording !!
Hi Karen . . . I just noticed when listening that the overall volume was low . . . sure, you can turn volume up to listen similar to other online song volumes, though, the vocals could also use a bit more sibilance (high end frequencies to help with speech /voice recognition - 4 to 8k) The mic'd piano recording you captured sounds pretty good.
I just think the vocals (and therefore lyrics) could have better clarity. I sincerely hope you find this helpful, because as I said . . . the song is top notch, and I've learned that the pronunciation part of the audio recording is very important for the listener.
Thanks so much for that @popitup (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22885) - much appreciated! Thanks for taking the time.
@ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723) - thanks a mill! Very kind words. 🙂
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Hi
lovely song that flows so gentle
just shows that you don't need a infantry of instruments to make a pure & beautiful song
subvibe