[Paulski]

Bit of a walk on the dark side - comments R welcomed!

Dirty Money

Something shifted in the package
As he took it from the man
Something bristled through his fingers
As he held it in his hands
Something slithered through the dark
And crawled into his heart

Dirty money

He resolved himself to never
Tell a soul where it was from
He'd be careful not to flaunt it
Yet, "who were they to judge?"
But hidden in his closet
Those earnings had become

Dirty money
How it grinned!
He didn't own it
It owned him

Always haunting, always moaning
Like a harbinger of death
Always wanting, always groaning
From its muffled place it wept
Like those people in the truck
He so wished he could forget

Dirty money
God, it grinned
He didn't own it
It owned him

{br}
No syringe could ever hope to
Purge that image from his head
Having slid that van door open
To those faces of the dead
And to know his greed had led
to..

Dirty money
How it grinned
He didn't own it
It owned him

In the tub where he was found,
Wrists forsaken by a blade
Ben Franklins sailed around
The lake of pink lemonade
His madness had him tried for
And sentenced him to die for

Dirty money
How it grinned
He didn't own it
It owned him

Dirty money
It owned him.

[Neil C]

Paul,
Top notch as ever. Liked the story and the corroding concept over ownership.
And the chorus just works.
Thought the second verse didn't rhyme as well as the others. Its the Yet, "who were they to judge?" line that doesn't quite work, there a soft rhyme potential to end with belong perhaps?
 
Neil

[PeeJay]

Hi Paul,

I really liked this one. Loved the way the money took on a life of it's own and got inside his head and filled him with guilt.

Good lines all the way through. 'Pink lemonade' line i liked!

Nice one,

Phil.

[Sing4me88]

In the tub where he was found,
Wrists forsaken by a blade
Ben Franklins sailed around
The lake of pink lemonade

This, my friend, is nothing short of genius! Kudos- take a bow. This creates one hell of a powerful image and the idea of Ben Franklin's sailing around in a lake of pink lemonade is simply top notch. I like the whole lyric to be fair. That chorus line 'he didn't own it, it owned him' sums the whole song up perfectly. I'm guessing the 'dirty money' hook could be quite good when put to music too. A top notch write that will be interesting to see how you twin it with the dark musical vibe you are looking for.

[Paulski]

Neil C / PeeJay / Sing4me88

Thanks guys - really appreciate the positive comments. Neil - yes more far-rhymes as you get in further - but that was on purpose to create tension (hopefully). From/Judge/Become - them's pararhymes man  ! (Like I didn't just google that  )

cheers All
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Paul. 

This section (below) is problematic for me.  It opens up a new window of information, then never quite closes it.   It needs to be (imo) more clear, or more vague.  As it is, it's too specific for me to create my own "backstory" but too vague to provide me with one.   

No syringe could ever hope to
Purge that image from his head
Having slid that van door open
To those faces of the dead
And to know his greed had led
to..

Aside from that, it's another really good write. 

[Paulski]

Hi Paul. 

This section (below) is problematic for me.  It opens up a new window of information, then never quite closes it.   It needs to be (imo) more clear, or more vague.  As it is, it's too specific for me to create my own "backstory" but too vague to provide me with one.   

No syringe could ever hope to
Purge that image from his head
Having slid that van door open
To those faces of the dead
And to know his greed had led
to..

Aside from that, it's another really good write. 

Hi Verlon
The bridge is supposed to describe how the guy tries drugs to free his mind of guilt, but he keeps seeing the victims (the people in the truck) of his human-smuggling crime. Point taken - but I'm not sure I want to be more vague, or more clear 
thanks for commenting!
Paul

[Vintage54]

     Paulski,
        Right on the money (sorry) Love it when you write this way. It's all good, but the bridge and the final verse are outstanding. The dirty money, in the bath, smart, really smart. Tired of singing your praises, but what else can i do.

                             Vintage54

[Paulski]

     Paulski,
        Right on the money (sorry) Love it when you write this way. It's all good, but the bridge and the final verse are outstanding. The dirty money, in the bath, smart, really smart. Tired of singing your praises, but what else can i do.

                             Vintage54

Thanks Vintage - that's high praise coming from a man of your talents (not that I deserve it  )
cheers!
Paul

[seriousfun]

Absolutely oustanding lyric here Paul.

If you want any help at all when putting it to music, please fell free to knock on my door as it would be an honour to get get to work on a lyric this outstandingly good.

[Coolcat]

Hello Paulski

Great lyric.

Having read this, and the work of some other forum users, I hope I will some day reach this level.

[Arkwright]

Good to see you joining the 'darkside' even if it's only for a short while Paul...

For me these lyrics showcase your versatility brilliantly. They say enough to let us know what the story is about, but not too much that the listener couldn't still use his/her imagination to create a bigger picture.

The rhyme scheme works well and as always with your work it flows beautifully.

I have no suggestions for improvement, because they are so minor they wouldn't make an ounce of difference to be honest.

Top write!

[Paulski]

@seriousfun

Thanks for that - you are too kind! Sent you a PM 

@Coolcat

Thanks for the kind words - hope you didn't mean "stoop to this level" 

@Arkwright

Wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to the days of the Hitchcock movies. He seldom showed a gory scene - just implied it by others reacting to it. So glad you got that vibe here. Cheers for the nice comments.

[Newgod]

Hi its Newgod
well first of all I like the last verse most,
beside that all the other ones are nice too, the descriptions are clear and they reflect emos clearly, and it triggers emos correctly,
I don't see much in this song that needs working the rhyming is nice, the flow seems alright, whatever words are use they function properly,
its over all a nice song, if you are looking forward to record this one you should do that

anyways keep working and keep smiling
may god bless you