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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: cowparsleyman on February 24, 2018, 07:26:29 PM
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I wanted to write a song for my Wife, she has done so much for me...
https://soundcloud.com/cowparsleyman/together-master-21-dec-2016
The song came to me very quickly, the solos and Vox were first takes, funny that's what happens when you write about someone specail.
'Just to love and be loved in return', someone once wrote...
The vox are a bit shaky, I was quite emotional at the time.
Any feedback will be gratefully received.
Hope you like it.
cpm
Together
Verse
Didn't that that it would end up
like this with you
I knew that you loved me
Always liked your laughing and what you do
didn't think we'd be together
a lifetime
Chorus
Been through so many things, together
I only want to share this world
Now that were getting old together
i only want to share this world
Solo
Chorus
Been through so many things, together
I only want to share this world
Now that were getting old together
i only want to share this world
Verse
We found out, that life is good
You know that I love you
Got a head full of memories,
Just like I should
Can pull out a moment
Chorus
Been through so many things, together
I only want to share this world
Now that were getting old together
i only want to share this world
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Hi,
I like the gentle feel of this song. :)
I also liked what you said right at the top of your post.
Yous said... I want to write a song for my wife, she has done so much for me.
What you said above which is now in bold text is KEY to your song.
It's your songs message so i would use this line to get as many lyrical thoughts down about your life together which will help you to strengthen your lyrics even more.
EG: You named your song together. I would suggest you name it...A Song For You.(or instead of YOU it could be her first name)
Looking at the bold text i would then write down as many great memories you can think of that you have spent with this special person.
Don't think about trying to rhyme at this stage just write down all your wonderful memories.feelings and future hopes dreams for each other etc...
eg: how you laugh a lot together, walks in the sun rain storms etc Your children if you have any. How it took her 5 attempts to pass her driving test. lol The freckles on her face etc... Little personal things that let listeners in to a song like this. Then after writing down your list of all those things that you did together and that she did for you, you will then have a collection of moments in time that you can then bring into your songs lyrics. You will also know that if any of these from your list of memories make it into your song that they are true statements. These will defo make your lyrics not only more personal but stronger and easier for the listener to relate to and absorb.
Nice song!
Johnny :)
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Hi - you can certainly here the emotion in your voice
As a non musician it's difficult for me to comment about something that I don't really Know much about ,
If i was writing it i was have said the world and not this world - wasn't keen on the line -can pull out a moment .
I liked the solo would have liked a bit more with that -
The chorus,says everything you need to say , maybe you could Put in the verses what you've been through to get more impact with the listener , these are just things that I have picked up.on - I agree naming it after who,it was written about would personalise it .
She obviously means the world to,you - I think that the melody makes you listen to,the verse and not just the chorus which is good as you want the whole message put across
It's a special song to,you which is the most important thing xxx
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Thanks Katie and Johnny for listening, I always appreciate critique.
I thought about your comments @Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) , yes she is special, but I didn't want (in this song) to reveal the personal stuff, I also felt that anyone could listen to it and relate it to their own situation.
@Katie Wilson (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21305)
You don't need to be a musician Katie to comment, it's often the best people to get constructive comments from, you are not tangled up in technique/gear etc.
'This world' was a reference to the fact that there is this world and the next, in which we will share it forever...
'can pull out a moment' is one of my favourite lines in any song I've written ;D I find myself doing exactly that, on the beach, on a walk, I'll pull out a memory from out time together, like rabbit out of a top hat.
If you heard 'Special' - there were a few lines dedicated to her...
Thanks again
cpm
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Hi,
You said...
I thought about your comments @Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) , yes she is special, but I didn't want (in this song) to reveal the personal stuff, I also felt that anyone could listen to it and relate it to their own situation.
I agree with you about not wanting to put too much personal stuff about her into your lyrics. That wasn't my point tbh. You can include as much or as less personal information into your song as you wish. My point was to get you to write down a list of all the great memories you must have together. Then you have lots of information written down right infront of you that you can then cherry pick to add to your songs lyrics. You can water them down enough to make it less personal 100% i understand that. But i find that if you write lyrics whilst having a long list of actual memories infront of you it can help you to craft your lyrics making them as strong as possible which in turn not only you will benefit from but the listeners too as they listen to your song. It's a let me take you on a journey kinda song. So bringing in key points about your journey together will really help to sell your songs message.
Johnny :)
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Lovely tender song kept sweetly mellow throughout. I am sure your wife thought this was great. Most of us aren't going to get rich as songwriters, but at our best we can still touch those close to us from time to time! Nice one! ;)
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Hi,
You said...
I thought about your comments @Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) , yes she is special, but I didn't want (in this song) to reveal the personal stuff, I also felt that anyone could listen to it and relate it to their own situation.
I agree with you about not wanting to put too much personal stuff about her into your lyrics. That wasn't my point tbh. You can include as much or as less personal information into your song as you wish. My point was to get you to write down a list of all the great memories you must have together. Then you have lots of information written down right infront of you that you can then cherry pick to add to your songs lyrics. You can water them down enough to make it less personal 100% i understand that. But i find that if you write lyrics whilst having a long list of actual memories infront of you it can help you to craft your lyrics making them as strong as possible which in turn not only you will benefit from but the listeners too as they listen to your song. It's a let me take you on a journey kinda song. So bringing in key points about your journey together will really help to sell your songs message.
Johnny :)
Hi Johnny
Aaah , I understand, now, I hadn't thought of it that way, I suppose this song isn't a 'let me take you on a journey', its more of a 'let me tell you about how I feel about her,' the journey will come in a different type of song, probably more like 'Special' but solely about her, and in that one I will definitely use your approach, thanks, all I need now is for inspiration to come and hit me like it did with this one.
cpm
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Lovely tender song kept sweetly mellow throughout. I am sure your wife thought this was great. Most of us aren't going to get rich as songwriters, but at our best we can still touch those close to us from time to time! Nice one! ;)
Thanks MichaelA
Glad you like it, I agree I'll never make any money from these songs, and I suppose If anyone likes them then that's all I can ask for.
I don't write my songs to touch anyone else, I just write what's in my noggin the nog, and if anyone else likes it then that's nice, and that's maybe the trouble, that I should maybe think differently, as Johnny says, (and Dave DeMann) and try and aim the lyrics at what people want, having said that I'm working on a Pop song at the moment and that is 100% written to sound good as a hooky pop song.
So hey what am I a sonic chameleon?
I'm honestly grateful for every single person that takes time from their day to listen to my stuff, they could be mowing the lawn, making dinner, watching the olympics, or listening to anyone of the other millions of artists on SC.
Thanks again.
cpm
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Hi,
Yes It's all about getting as many lyrical ideas/thoughts written down as quickly as possible BEFORE you begin to write your lyrics. Just write down words and sentences that YOU think might lend themselves to whatever topic your song is about. It really does help to have as many words/sentences/phrases infront of you BEFORE you begin to put together each section of your lyrics.
It helps to make the writing process a whole lot easier.
Johnny :)
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Thank Johnny.
cpm
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Hi cpm,
great sentiments and a very good song. I know this is a personal song and its difficult knowing how to give advice. My only disappointment was with the chorus. I was expecting a bigger instrumental and melodic lift given the words.
The playing was first class and I liked the instrumental breaks.
Feel free to ignore me if you disagree,
Keith
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Hi,
My fave aspect that after a first listen is the way you play a chord on the first 3 beats, then leave a gap for one, then 3, then a gap, etc. I'm sure that can't be that unusual but it really sounds fresh to my ears for some reason. It made me think of trad folk delivered in a new way.
I like the simplicity and purity of your lyric too. You don't stray into cheese, but it's not too contrived either. The best line for me is "I only want to share this world". That resonates.
I think I'd like to hear a version with a more audible / clearly pronounced vocal? I do dig the way you deliver it in a breathy Bon Iver-esque fashion but for this song (which feels more triumphant than pensive?) it felt you could be a bit more bullish with the way you express those feelings.
Nice one CPM.
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Hi,
My fave aspect that after a first listen is the way you play a chord on the first 3 beats, then leave a gap for one, then 3, then a gap, etc. I'm sure that can't be that unusual but it really sounds fresh to my ears for some reason. It made me think of trad folk delivered in a new way.
I like the simplicity and purity of your lyric too. You don't stray into cheese, but it's not too contrived either. The best line for me is "I only want to share this world". That resonates.
I think I'd like to hear a version with a more audible / clearly pronounced vocal? I do dig the way you deliver it in a breathy Bon Iver-esque fashion but for this song (which feels more triumphant than pensive?) it felt you could be a bit more bullish with the way you express those feelings.
Nice one CPM.
Nice to have you back, PaulX (did you listen to Texas Twister on my SC - you get a mention)
Thanks for the critique, very valuable, this is just the sort of thing I need to know, I agree with you, my bullishness is lacking, I will try to get something Together for this.
cpm
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Hi Cowparsleyman.
Had to listen to this several times to get to grips with it, not because it's a difficult song, just not really my genre of choice. and also I struggle a bit with very personal songs if I don't know the people involved. Parts of it, especially some of the guitar and some of the vocals give it a very modern feel, like some of the modern folk pop artists. In other ways it's very traditional.
I think what you have done very well is in the arrangement and the mix. Fantastic job especially if you put it together quickly. The song is pleasant to listen to, but sadly for me, it doesn't really do it for me, but that's probably because of my ear rather than the quality of your song.
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Very nice and authentic love song ... have you played it to her? I imagine she would be very proud.
cheers,
Kevin
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Hi Cowparsleyman.
Had to listen to this several times to get to grips with it, not because it's a difficult song, just not really my genre of choice. and also I struggle a bit with very personal songs if I don't know the people involved. Parts of it, especially some of the guitar and some of the vocals give it a very modern feel, like some of the modern folk pop artists. In other ways it's very traditional.
I think what you have done very well is in the arrangement and the mix. Fantastic job especially if you put it together quickly. The song is pleasant to listen to, but sadly for me, it doesn't really do it for me, but that's probably because of my ear rather than the quality of your song.
Mickey, that's OK, don't apologise, you can't like everything, by everyone. Thanks for listening and your comments.
Glad you liked the production.
I'm in here to take constructive criticism, not empty unhelpful rants, haven't had any yet.
cpm
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Very nice and authentic love song ... have you played it to her? I imagine she would be very proud.
cheers,
Kevin
Hi Kev, hmm, I'm sure I did when I first did it, can't remember her reaction, I have a more personal song about her which I'm thinking about re recording and getting a guest Vocalist on.
Your'e right it is heartfelt
cpm
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Not an easy thing to write, I'm sure...but you did a great job. Lovely uncluttered feel to it. Funnily enough..as it began to fade, was about to say how surprised I was that it faded out...and then it stopped in the fade...fool me once etc :)
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Well I would take an honest,heartfelt vocal performance over a pitch perfect jobby any day mate! :D and I’ve gotta say, I didn’t notice any vocal wobbles anyway. ;)
I love it! It does what it says on the tin. Your wife hopefully loves it too? It perhaps could have been a little shorter, but that’s a really small nit. Thanks for sharing it with us mate.
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Not an easy thing to write, I'm sure...but you did a great job. Lovely uncluttered feel to it. Funnily enough..as it began to fade, was about to say how surprised I was that it faded out...and then it stopped in the fade...fool me once etc :)
Paul, that's very kind of you, thanks for taking a listen. I appreciate your comments, my songs just come to me, can't help it, had 2 more come to me in my dreams last night....and another on the way to work.
Thanks
cpm
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Well I would take an honest,heartfelt vocal performance over a pitch perfect jobby any day mate! :D and I’ve gotta say, I didn’t notice any vocal wobbles anyway. ;)
I love it! It does what it says on the tin. Your wife hopefully loves it too? It perhaps could have been a little shorter, but that’s a really small nit. Thanks for sharing it with us mate.
Dear Lost Boy, you're so kind in what you say, thanks...a pleasure to share it, glad you like it.
cpm
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Nice to have you back, PaulX (did you listen to Texas Twister on my SC - you get a mention)
Ha! Thanks for the mention. Another cool track and I'm delighted to be on the guest list for that party!
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It's got a bit of a Brothers in Arms feel to it, very understated. I think it was Mozart that said his Germanic (Austrian) undercurrents of passion meant more than a crazy Italian shouting all over the place, and I got a bit of that here. I think it does reveal how you feel, in your unique way, even it doesn't tell us how it feels to be you (if you know what I mean!)
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Missed this somehow..A lovely song from the heart..not sure it would make an Opera :)
mega guitar break and thoughtful production..is there a flanger on the vocal?..not quite sure about that..
fine work my friend :)
best, Kevin :)
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Nice to have you back, PaulX (did you listen to Texas Twister on my SC - you get a mention)
Ha! Thanks for the mention. Another cool track and I'm delighted to be on the guest list for that party!
PaulyX
How was it? it sounded like a real gas...
When I wrote the lyrics, the imagery of the party and the people was oh so clear, the 'Stang was red, the party was in a house like Griswolds Christmas, all I could hear was a love shack kind of vocal, I was very lucky to get pkboo3 to sing it, her voice is perfect.
I picked you, PompeyJazz, Viki and purple cherry because I hadn't been in the forum that long, and you guys wrote some very constructive comments about my work, so what do you do, Invite them to a Parrrrrrrrty.
Thanks for listening.
cpm
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Yo CPM.
It's a sweet sentimental lyric which never usually sits well with me. I suppose after 62 years I've had enough of 'love' songs and I'm a cold hearted/cynical old twat. Love = getting your bag emptied! :D
Musically the song is pleasant,though for me it lacks dynamics or light and shade. Quite John Mayer in places. Nice understated guitar fills in the latter half.
Reading back over the load of guff I've written above,it perhaps comes across as harsh or dismissive,that certainly wasn't the intention,as it's a solid,well performed piece. :)
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Yo CPM.
It's a sweet sentimental lyric which never usually sits well with me. I suppose after 62 years I've had enough of 'love' songs and I'm a cold hearted/cynical old twat. Love = getting your bag emptied! :D
Musically the song is pleasant,though for me it lacks dynamics or light and shade. Quite John Mayer in places. Nice understated guitar fills in the latter half.
Reading back over the load of guff I've written above,it perhaps comes across as harsh or dismissive,that certainly wasn't the intention,as it's a solid,well performed piece. :)
Yo Busk, sorry spelled your name wrong...
Ain't no thang man, I'm hangin loose here, your'e quite right, guff-wise, it does lack light and shade, and I'm certainly not offended, as you say.
Love can be beautiful at 62, I had a '62 Gibson SG special that was love.
There's a anti-love song in there somewhere, almost ironic, could dress up in the video like renee and renate, with a bri nylon roll neck and over tight slacks, a tasty syrup and a medallion, with soft TOTP lights, singing your dislike of love to some gorgeous Blond (woman). Almost like a 2 ronnies sketch.
Appreciate your comments.
Regards
CP Shakespeare.
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Hi CPM, great wistful singing and great guitar tones, especially liked the solo. Excellent melody too. The lyrics are a bit 'sweet' for cynical b*****d like me, but you sing them so well it really works!
Excellent really enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi CPM, great wistful singing and great guitar tones, especially liked the solo. Excellent melody too. The lyrics are a bit 'sweet' for cynical b*****d like me, but you sing them so well it really works!
Excellent really enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks Jamie, really appreciate your comments. Yeah, love songs can be a bit like that, Skub said pretty much the same thing...It's not for everyone, I'm brewing up for a change in genre for my next post to here, no more Acoustic stuff.
thanks again Jamie.
cpm
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Hi,
This has a great vibe. Love the instrumentation and the lead work. Nice gentle feel and the sincerity shines through. Being a little more critical, the vocals are pitchy in places and the song lacks a lift melodically to maintain the listeners interest. Other than that - sweet song.
M
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Hi,
This has a great vibe. Love the instrumentation and the lead work. Nice gentle feel and the sincerity shines through. Being a little more critical, the vocals are pitchy in places and the song lacks a lift melodically to maintain the listeners interest. Other than that - sweet song.
M
Hi Monty, thanks for the listen...Yeah I guess your're right it is a little flat in the Vox, and yip they do sound a little off beam sometimes, good that you point it out to me, yes a bit sloppy, apologies for not picking that up.
cpm
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very sweet song
beautiful chord progression
well done!
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Hi Rightly, you always are so kind wit your listening ear.
Thanks
cpm