The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MonnoDB on April 21, 2019, 06:19:11 PM
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So.... after nearly killing myself on my last song a few weeks ago ;D I've gone more pared back on this one.. Maybe too much, maybe not enough... It started off as an acoustic guitar number (something I never do!) and then I decided it should be piano only... now it's both and I'm not convinced it works but interested in feedback on any aspect, particularly that...
An upbeat number about dealing with that old chestnut, getting old - in this case specifically supporting a parent with Alzheimers - see upbeat!! I actually wrote it a couple of years ago and put it down as it really doesn't go anywhere - no real melody, very basic chords, practically no chorus and well it's probably just a vehicle for the words, a therapeutic purge if you will.. But I found myself picking writing again on the subject a couple of weeks ago (my therapy ;D ;D) and well, this popped back up and took hold... And I'm publishing to let go ::)!
As We Wait
https://soundcloud.com/monnodb/as-we-wait-sun
Don't be afraid
Put aside that fear
As the cloudiness comes
I'll be right here
I'll hold your hand
I'll take your weight
Just lean on me
As we wait...
The years pass
The tables turn
From a life and love
That simply were
No question marks
The lines were straight
They’re crooked now
As we wait...
Like an old film reel
The images float
Past my eyes
And that lump in my throat
Makes me tighten
My hold on your hand
My cries I swallow
My tears I fan
As we wait...
Bring me back
To an airy day
Paddling in
In the incoming waves
Trousers rolled
To knees exposed
Laughter loud and
Water cold
Hand held tight
As we jumped each time
The tide pushed us
Back in line
I close my eyes
I hold that thought
As we wait..
And I promise you
I won't love less
Won't loosen my hold
Through the cloudiness
My hand in yours
Your cushion my shoulder
It's simply time
We all must get older
Don't be afraid
I'll be right here
As we wait....
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Beautiful acoustic ballad.
Love the pianos and excellent guitars too.
....and of course sung really well.
..love the sentiment, but I am feeling really sad now😒
Great song
Sandeep
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Really lovely...and beautifully sung.
It absolutely works.
I kind of see the dilemma...the piano seems like it doesn't need the guitar...and it maybe doesn't...but I'd be reluctant to change anything. Your ears know what they're doing... and that's why you've done it the way it is.
Lyrics are super and touching...a real lip-wobbler!
Fab.
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Very touching and personal lyrics Karen. It's a lovely honest song. I think the guitar and piano work very well together. I love your harmony work on this one and wonderful touch as you drop the harmony for the last line which accentuates the feeling of isolation. Quality song
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I really like this. I think it’s a great piece of songwriting and the interchange between the guitar and piano works perfectly. The lyrics are very evocative and the chorus is very simple, effective and catchy.
My only constructive point is the major chord at the end of the third line of the chorus. To me it jarred a little the first time I heard it and I think you should only use it in the chorus at 2:57, because there I think it would be much more effective. My opinion is stick to the minor chord up until then.
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This is so beautiful K :-* I love your 1+1 tracks and this one is particularly relate-able for me as I went through this with my dad :'(
Some lovely images in the lyrics and I love your voice and the BV's are exceptional :) The 'we wait' is really effective.
I personally like the combination of the piano and guitar :)
I'm really happy that you came back to this song and shared it with us K :-*
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Good that you didn't keep it under that bushel.
Nice tune, with plenty of air.
Rich
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That "wait" is such a sad (but true) concept and you bring it over so well. This one is a real showcase for your vocals and emotional writing.
One thing that a guitar has that piano doesn't is "texture" and often even if you can't really hear it, the fact of having it there can often change the feel. Hear it's a little like another voice and I'd say that the way you've used it really adds to the whole.
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A very sweet song.
Top notch production.
I'm sure many radio stations would be happy to broadcast this.
A fine piece of work.
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I often think there’s something timeless about your songs... to me they sound modern but I could also imagine them being played on a lute in a medieval castle. It might be the harmonies you use. Anyway loved this one, the way it ebbs and flows between major and minor chords - which suits the mood of the lyrics perfectly. I loved it when the piano showed up too.
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Hi Monno,
Love the sort of Celtic feel to this.
Piano and guitars both work for me.
Vocals are the star though - would work perfectly well a cappella.
Really nice piece.
Digger
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Lovely vocals.
I like the guitar more than the piano I think....the piano is nice but a bit more overpowering against the vocal than the guitar so i might go just with the guitar.
The nice harmonies/backing vocals give the arrangement a lot of weight anyway if that's the right word so maybe not a lot else is needed.
Listening again it's nice when the piano comes in for the 'as we wait' refrain second time around....but then it switches to only piano...maybe the piano should drop out again for the guitar when you get to the 'Bring me back to an airy day' and then only come back for the refrain again.....who knows...difficult isn't is especially if you're an indecisive clod like me who can never make his mind up which way to go....why it takes me so long to get a song done!
very lovely either way though. Vocals are super.
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Beautiful, lots of sentiment and strong, deep emotions. Sad yet heart-warming. Guitar and piano are brilliant and vocals are even better.
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Not much to add - this is great.
That 6/8 time signature is a winner from the start, and your vocals are outstanding.
This reminded me of Randy Newman's Hallelujah - so you don't get higher praise than that IMHCO.
Good work :D
Paul
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Sublime. What stood out to me the most is the range of emotions, the build up in intensity, followed by pauses for breath. Has a timeless feeling, feeling both ancient and modern at the same time. Beautiful singing and playing. Just lovely, Karen. I don't know how you do it.
Lynn
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Quite a biting yet controlled vocal performance there Karen, love the crossover between sweetness and the bitterness in the delivery. Brill! :)
Not sure I would describe it as 'upbeat' though, ha!
I do like how you balanced that guitar with the piano, using the guitar more rhythmically, nicely done. That piano really glides along quite effortlessly.
Hooky chorus, as we'd all expect from you. Almost gets anthemic at the end, yet all the time keeping its sublime subtlety. Good stuff missus! :)
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Thanks all for listening... I'm (very very) pleasantly surprised by the comments tbh ... Hmmm someone round these parts once did tell me that I might not be very good at judging my own songs, or something to that effect ::) :D...
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - thank you kindly.. Yeah, I can be a bit depressing eh :)? Thanks re hooky - wasn't convinced it was! At all...
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) thanks so much - such lovely comments.. yes this one is a bit of a rollercoaster alright.. Probably shoulda kept the theme to myself (I normally do!).. You are too kind!
@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) - thanks so much.. you are v kind.. I do love a bit of 6/8 I have to say - the folkie in me :)
@Jibbek (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22379) - thank you so much and welcome to the forum !!
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - yes it's hard isn't it? You sound like I did when I was swapping the two in and out.. Thank you for taking the time.. I'll play around with it some more I think...
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) - timeless - what a lovely comment! :) again prob the folkie thing! Thanks so much..
@digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) - hey! Thanks a mill... Don't think I'd be brave enough for a cappella (although I did once actually... not this song though)..
@Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) - thanks so much... very kind words!
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) yes indeed, 'the long goodbye' they call it.. awful disease.. thanks for your comments..
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) - yes indeed... It nearly stayed under that bushel.. I thank you!
@crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) - thanks so much.. sorry to hear you went though similar with your dad.. it's awful..
@MartynRich (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20533) thanks a mill - see what you mean about that major chord... It does kinda come out of nowhere... not sure if the minor would be too dreary all the way through but I'll surely have a play around with it.. Thanks for your comments..
Thanks @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) ... yeah they're a bit heavy alright! I'll try something lighter for the next one I think :) thanks a mill for the listen and comments...
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) thank you so much - sorry for wobbling your lip! Good advice about trusting my ear though - I tend to second guess a lot.. those words will stay with me I think..
@Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528) - sorry for making you sad.. perhaps I shouldn't have shared the context.. I normally don't.. Thank you for your lovely comments...
Note to self - don't leave so long before returning to thread :) That was long. Thank you all for your lovely comments and considerations. Really appreciated...
K
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Really pretty work, lovely listen.
I found myself thinking I wanted more harmonic development, something new to happen. But then realised that the stasis fits perfectly with the theme of the song.
Gives it really thorough feel, makes it work as a whole.
Liked the way the harmonies seems to be searching for a way out of the harmonic trap without quite finding it.
Made me think, made me smile. Super stuff :)
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Yo Karen.
I first listened to this a couple of weeks ago and it immediately sunk it's melancholy hooks deep into my listening apparatus. Shortly after I was dragged off on holiday,so I'm way behind with my listening,this is a lovely welcome back. :)
The Celtic vibe is a popular thing these days,I hear it's influences in a wide range of music. With your music it isn't an influence Karen,it's the genuine article. The hurting,the yearning,the vulnerability and the final resolve/reassurance are all in sharp relief and beautifully presented.
A little gem,but sure we never expected any less of you. 8)
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Karen, what a beautiful song! I'm sure many will relate to it. "As we wait" is such a powerful line. I love it. I especially love the piano, I don't know what chords you used but they were perfect.
Writing songs like this can be such great therapy. I have done so myself (different subject though😊) You must be pleased with it no?
My only thought in terms of suggestion, is regarding the end. The ending is beautifully sung, but I kinda wanted the song to end on that last verse...I just felt that would have been...hmm...maybe not as majestic as what you have now, but more powerful perhaps?? Anyway, just a thought mate. It really is beautiful as it is.😁🎶👊🏻🎶
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) thanks so much Leo for having a listen and for commenting.. Yes indeed I use songwriting as therapy from time to time.. Not sure I'm ever happy with these kinds of songs to be honest. They scratch an itch and I'm happy to have them done more than anything and publishing is part of that.. I'm always surprised when they're well received when they are this personal.. Perhaps that's why.. Hmmmmm.. Re your suggestion, that's very interesting and indeed a very good idea. I'm not sure I'll revisit though but I shall certainly play around with that (I'd have to rerecord the vocal I think to end it there...). Thank you!
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) - you are too kind Davy.. such lovely comments.. Thank you!! I think I couldn't escape the Celtic thing though even if I wanted to singing as I do with my rather strong accent! :) Hope you had a lovely break!
@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) - thanks a mill! Yeah, I'd kind of written it off initially as it doesn't really go anywhere melodically and doesn't develop at all but it stubbornly refused to be anything else.. so I went with the flow. Including the harmonies.. Appreciate the listen and the comments..
K
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I loved the piano, and the vocals are great too. I think from a songwriting perspective, you've probably got the bullseye. Looking at past comments, I'm not sure many will agree with my next bit, but it's just my opinion: the production of the vocals isn't quite on-point; sometimes a bit loud, sometimes a bit quiet. Rather than compression, I think running the vocal track through Melodyne and changing the amplification of each syllable to make the whole thing consistent would make a big difference.
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Beautiful song @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) (beautiful voice too!). Has a haunting quality to it.
Love the lyrics too.