[diademgrove]

I got the title from the Crystal Palace v Liverpool radio commentary. Anything that vaguely sounded like a title got written down. This was the one that jumped out as a potential song. These are the words I put to it. Comments, advice etc gladly received.

When the rain starts to fall

Darkness crawled on the valley floor
What did you see? What did you feel?
What did you hear? What did he steal?
He stole the light but left the sky

Dressed in blue he closed the door
Why did he smile? When will he pay
For his crimes? I heard you say
He stole the light 'n' we'll take his eye

Chorus

When the rain starts to fall
when the cleansing rain starts to fall

He left us his gift of blackness
Did you hear him and see him laugh?
Can you feel it, our epitaph?
He stole the light 'n' left us to cry

Instrumental

He stole the light we'll watch him cry

Chorus

The Lord of the Flies hung on his stick
Spun him around and watched him lie
The Lord of the Flies grinned and grinned when
He stole the light but he'll watch him die

Chorus x 2

End

Keith

[CaliaMoko]

I find this song...cryptic. Intriguing. I don't understand it, but I sure am curious about the musical setting for this song. For some reason, it makes me think of the Bee Gees.

I got a bit confused by this lyric. Well, maybe more than a bit--I'm pretty simple minded and have trouble figuring out things like structure, unless it's really exact...and "really exact" isn't all that artistic sometimes, so I struggle a lot. As I said, I don't understand what it's about, what it's saying. So I set about analyzing the whole thing, in case that would help. It didn't help me, but it made my original post long and boring, so I deleted most of it (I saved it, though, so if you want to see it, I can PM it to you).

I found the structure a little inconsistent, but that might be what you're going for. The rhyme scheme starts out pretty consistent, then changes. Maybe. Depends on exactly which groups of lines are verses.

The little inconsistencies introduce an element of instability into the song and, while I don't understand the lyrics, they do strike me as presenting an unstable theme, so that's good.

Anyway, I still don't know what it's about. But I think I like it and I think it would sound great performed with tight harmonies in some places (maybe like the Everly Brothers or the Bee Gees, et al). Maybe some wailing guitar sounds.

Vicki

[diademgrove]

Thanks Vicki,

it fits to a Beatle's lite harmonic structure. The melody is miles away from being sorted, but the words fit the structure. I was thinking of some harmony vocals but that is way beyond my singing ability at the minute.

I'd be interested in what you think the song is about, so yes, please PM me.

Its a mix of several different things, William Golding's Lord of the Flies being one and, of course, revenge.

Thanks for the review, much appreciated.

Keith

[Arkwright]

I'm with Vicki on this one..

As cryptic as cryptic gets and makes no sense to me whatsoever. Now you're probably taking that as a criticism, but please don't. Each verse and the chorus are a work of art in their own right and I would be proud to have written any one of them. I can't find a coherent connection between any of them, but I'm not sure that matters to be honest. For those of us who like our songs to be left to the imagination, this ticks all the right boxes.

Good work...

[tomcrocus]

Cryptic is an understatement Keith,i'm sorry but you've got me,
i don't regard myself as thick but i just can't figure it out.
If it's beatlesque then it's got to be John Lennon,
I really like it and respect you for coming up with something
completely different,i haven't read lyrics on the forum like these
for a while,it makes a change from all those silly love songs!
                                                                                      Tom.

[diademgrove]

Thanks for the comments. I started with the chords, basically the harmonic structure is based on early Beatles songs and covers. Once I had the chord structure written it needed some words so I dug out a title from my Palace v Liverpool list and started writing.

Its a bit eerie that Vicki can hear the Everly Brothers singing it as they were a massive influence on the Beatles, who in turn influenced the Bee Gees.

Its not really based on John Lennon's lyrics, more Bob Dylan, or more accurately the writer of Lord Randall, an old folk song.

I'd just re-read William Golding's Lord of the Flies and its loosely based around the book but with a twist. The song is about how the weak become strong and have their day. It would also be about how the weak stay weak and hope to have their day, but that wasn't the picture in my head.

If you haven't read the book or seen the old black and white film they are definitely worth reading/watching.

I hope this explanation helps a little.

Thanks for the encouraging feedback.

Keith

[CarylA]

I really enjoyed the images in this. I liked the line 'he stole the light but left the sky'. I also liked how you rhymed laugh with epitaph. I really dig the cryptic feel. I find it engaging. Nice work.

[igg]

Keith,

It seems that the music will have to do the heavy lifting here.....and create the mood and soundscape that can be populated by the images and ideas.....
I like the physicality of the images....but they do leave me scratching my head, trying to shoehorn in meaning ....and especially story arc or consistency....you know the tendency to want to make order out of chaos......

I'm awaiting the musical wrapping.....

igg

[hardtwistmusic]

Been way too long since I read "Lord of the Flies."  I was only twelve, and doing the math, that would have been almost two million years ago. 

I didn't have a clue what it was about, and didn't mind a bit.  It's still an intriguing write, and I loved every line.  One of those you are better off wondering about and figuring out a line at a time - and over time.

[adamfarr]

intriguing indeed - something sinister here - shades of Broadchurch or something? Stealing the light is a really powerful image.

All seems well honed to me except for the word 'blackness'. Unlike most of the rest it didn't seem to gel with other words. Of course he did steal the light but I feel his gift should be something less obvious - like "left his death-mask" or something else heavy, empty, deathlike? Hard to suggest as only you really know the context!

Enjoyed it though and look forward to hearing!

[olivergearing]

Hi Diadem

Wow, this is a sobering piece of work to read, mainly from the point of view of someone trying to improve his lyrics. You’ve got some serious talent mate, as everyone’s been saying.

The thing I liked most was the second half of the “He stole the light” line – “but left the sky”, “and we’ll take his eye”, “we’ll watch him cry”, “but he’ll watch him die”. As the lyrics unfold it’s almost like you’re watching him age. Or something.

Maybe I’m not that much of a fan, but which beatles songs does this sound like? Can’t think of one…

Anyway, thanks for sharing something this awesome

Cheers

[MartynRich]

Hi Diadem

A beautiful piece of writing and I kinda got the weak becoming strong and revenge bit, although I was thinking of personal relationships until I read the Lord of the Flies reference (His stick if you want me to be really pedantic  ).

The bit about him being dressed in blue is especially striking to me.

It is very dark though, and I wasn't imaging any kind of upbeat melody - definitely thinking about how those minor harmonies would fit together...Anyway, very, very nice writing.

[diademgrove]

Well, I feel really humble after that feedback.

Adam, and Vicki blackness didn't work when I gave it a run through so it may get changed.

Verlon, the film and book are well worth a revisit.

Oliver, its based on Anna (not an original but the Beatles did use the chord structure in some of their originals) and incorporates a modulation for the chorus. The bridge could be another key or a different mode to the verse.

Martyn, the harmonic structure is quite jolly. I wrote that first and the words came later. The melody is going to take some time getting right though. You'll have to take up the grammar with William Golding, that line was a straight lift.

Thanks Igg, no pressure then?

Thank CarylA.

Definitely going to bed feeling humble.

Work on the melody starts over the weekend. It'll need a bit more than my usual, slap it down and hope it fits.

Thanks again,

Keith