I don't think it's "a good start." I think its already a good lyric.
It sang without effort on the first try and with drama. Ready for music.
I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.
I think it's good the way it is. Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse. An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.
Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something. You modified this after the advice. Good for you.
I already like it.