I loved the lyric. I loved the twist at the end -- although (whether you are aware of it or not as the writer) there are two ways to take the twist at the end.
It is my opinion that this could use some surgical editing -- some "addition by subtraction."
There are (imo) no un-necessary concepts introduced in your lyric, but there are some words that are not necessary to communicate those concepts.
If you request it, I would be happy to show you what I mean about the "surgical addition by subtraction."