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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: ScottLevi on October 22, 2017, 11:01:29 AM
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Good morning everyone.
I don't know how your days are going, but I woke up to a final version of this bad-boy so am flying high!
Finding another artist you really admire is always a delight, then for them to reciprocate and be open to working together; this has felt surreal and wonderful!
So this started with Darren sending me some of this dirty guitar, to which I writ some dirty words Then after a while taking inspiration from each other we spiraled to this conclusion.
The wonderful music is all Daz's, I do the shouting! xD
Think of it what you will, but we've had a ball! :)
Edit: new link same track, we made a DNMC SC :)
https://soundcloud.com/dnmccollective/victims-of-murder
Victims of Murder
A dark cloud lingers,
Feet above your head,
As your thoughts turn darker,
And vision, goes red,
You, are the enemy,
I, am not a friend,
And I wont stop battling,
Until we reach... the end.
Chorus
Nothing to lose... 'Cept the burning hate
Nothing to gain... 'Cept the sight of your pain
Dropping like flies... For only death they wait,
Never be whole... 'Cept for in that hole
Please hide your kids,
Keep the women, away,
I'm about to make my fury known,
And demons don't discrimate!
I took victim number one, and sliced them into two,
Drew - a genuine smile from he blood which they spew,
Knew - that I'd just made, with a slice from my blade
,A move that was going to bring on anew,
Then before soon someone grabbed my arm,
Said lisen here kidd'a I don't mean no harm,
But you're stepping on my toes, and as everybody knows,
Any other trouble here and I'll break your arm.
I took victim number two, and sliced them into three,
See - noone round here can talk like that to me,
Be - prepared to murder, then take the burden,
but in death they'll find their clarity
Chorus
Before long there was a mob and it gathered near,
I said listen up people there's no need to peer,
You're bawt to get real close, and find out the most,
What it really means to make your mind clear,
I took victim number three, and pushed them into four,
Thought - that they'd know better as they fell to the floor,
But - stopped in my tracks, as something reacts,
And I couldn't believe what I saw,
A large man lingering and looking at me close,
He said listen here boy I can I be a good host,
We can make amends, maybe one day friends,
I said yeah, with your ghost
Chorus
See victim number 1 was a messenger,
Victim number 2 just has a job,
Victim number 3 was no clevered,
Than number 4 and the rest of that mob,
The large man pulled the strings,
And signed the bounty on their heads,
When he crossed paths with my family,
And left each, of them dead
Cheers to anyone who's read and/or listened.
Much love,
Scott.
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Hi Guys,
There doesn't appear to be a link to listen to it??
???
neil
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Sorry Neil here you go
https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/victims-of-murder-remix-b
I'm sure Scott will be along soon to update the top post :)
I have to say it's been a delight working with Scott and I am really pleased how this song developed. It's been a busy ol' time for me recently so I really appreciated Scotts patience too. His lyrics and vocal were the fuel that got this song moving along. It started life as an intro and a few chords but when he jumped on board things got moving fast.
Collaborating has been a blast and I'm sure there will be more DNMC songs to come!
All comments and feedback greatly appreciated and a big thank you to this community for their ever helpful advice and encouragement.
All the best
Darren
P.S Sorry for the tone on the lead guitar - ended up fuzzier than I realised. Oh well! :P
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Cool. Very dark. I liked the fuzzy guitar. I think it sounds scary. The vocals really worked, had a RHCP vibe. I especially liked the chopping up of the victims. Haha. That was my favorite part. Great entry.
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I love the whole thing. The vocals are awesome and so appropriate. And the guitar is great! It's all great! No nits...
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Oooh - I do love these collabs - This is an excellent and entertaining piece of work guys with bags of atmosphere and feeling - The guitar's not too fuzzy in my opinion, it works very well. Production is impressive as well. Well done both of you :)
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I love the subtle string work, it's never overpowering. That was the first thing that stood out to me.
Nothing is too busy, or trying to compete. Which is a very difficult thing to get right for me.
I also love the little piano inflections at 2:19.
I really dig this, stellar production too! Love the harmony work too.
My only critique is that I would have made the vocals a little fuller in post-production on the recording. Maybe layered them and panned or something, but just a bit more low end/beef to them to really bring the song right up!
Also, footnote, great idea having the little audioclip at the end, really unexpected.
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Hi Chaps. Great collaboration, and so much to take in with this song. Lots of stuff to get stuck into here. I really love the guitar playing and the sound of the guitar in general. Strong vocals too, although I'm not a massive fan of the lingering on some words near the beginning. The melody meanders too much.
However, After 1.30 the song really gets into its stride and everything works perfectly. So the only nit from me is a slightly meandering start to the song. Could be edited down to about 4.30 in total, by tightening up the beginning.
Cheers Micky.
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It's a fact, rock n roll needs psychopaths like it needs Roto 8s and Big Muffs. We cant get enough of 'em.
Guitars were great, eerie then menacing and powerful. Vocals style was unhinged enough to make me check baseball bat availability, but also articulate enough to make me think I could show this guy my Edward Gorey books.
Hey guys you passed your advanced psychopath assessment here.
Great work, take a bow.
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Yo DNMC! Enjoyed this!
It's just the right degree of unhinged.
Guitars are great Darren, and your bloodthirsty ranting complements them superbly Scott.
I was getting a bit of Eminem from this.
Should do really well in the comp.
Let's have another DNMC composition please.
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Brilliant collab guys....loved it ;D ;D
Love the mood and attitude. Great guitars.
Loved the tone and solo...well all of it really ;D
Nice attack and drive, and Passion.....great stuff
Wasn't sure about the vocal to start with......but by the
end, I loved it ;D ;D Did you warm up ? ;D ;D
Look forward to hear more from you two.....it's raw and
you've got some righteous 'energy' there....
Good luck
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Yo Scott and Darren.
I could hear Rightly doing this piece,it has his vocal phrasing in places!
It all works so well and gels perfectly. When I see over five minutes I'm inclined to think a little trimming wouldn't go amiss,but I don't honestly know what I'd snip. That tells me something.
Excellent stuff from ya both. :)
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Yep!! weirdly wonderful...just thought it took a while to get going...but, hey..once it got going...YEAH!!!
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Hi Scott and Darren,
took me back to Alex Harvery, brilliant. I'd have considered a bit of panning on the guitar solo to mess around with the senses a bit more. But that's a very small nit.
Good luck in the competition,
Keith
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Man! That was exciting wannit?!! I love it! A great partnership indeed! ;D
I love your vocal style on this buddy, the whole sing/rap works like a BOSS! So well done mate.
The guitar work is bad ass!! I love the bass as well especially towards the end.
Lyrics are cool!! My only nit is that the beat never changes...not even a full no? It certainly doesn't have to BUT I just feel it could use it a bit on this one.
Other than that really great stuff fellas!
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Good Stuff:
Has a bit of everything - Dark rock backing track, dark lyrics, great delivery and production.
Well done Guys - not much to add - but this is is very good.
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Scott is in great voice here...it works very well indeed. He creates a real sense of danger.
Lyrics are brilliant and the backing sounds excellent. Mix is great too. Love the lead guitar.
A brilliant collaboration - showcasing the very best of two very nice and very talented chaps.
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Excellent collab guys! a dark/horror entry for this comp :o I love it when it breaks into the full on rapping at 1:17! I would like to have heard some harmony in the chorus, but then I'm a harmony junkie ;D ;D
Love the screaming guitar that starts at 3:18! A 5:12 mins long song, but it kept my attention till the
end :o Well done guys and good luck! :)
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Hi Guys,
Interesting and effective vocal style. Carries some spookiness with it.
The music is suitably edgy and spooky.
Great rocking guitars. Love the extended solo.
No idea how I'm supposed to choose someone to vote for.
Digger
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Guys,
Liked the loose groove, and got into the vocal style as it went on, then into a rather neat solo too
:)
neil
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Hi all
Really pleased to see this has gone down well and I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to listen and comment. I am really pleased to hear you all like the guitar tone etc (especially nice to hear kind feedback on my solo).
A little production slip up from me. I managed to completely lose a guitar part in the intro which sits behind Scotts vocal about 36 seconds in. I need to pull my finger out and sort that really :P
Great to hear all your kind feedback on Scotts vocal. He did a fab job on this.
Regarding the drums - this is an area for lots of work. I am clueless so I just drop a loop in and record to it and don't do anything else. I am hoping in the future I can start working out proper drum beats to compliment the tracks but still early days for me with the recording business :P
Thank you all very much and big apologies I haven't yet got around to reviewing other entries. Been a little sidetracked with various things. Will get to it ASAP
Thanks all
Darren
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Yes. Guitars amazing. And cool, dark words with a really interesting delivery. Love the punky/indie edge then the rap. Those guitars sound sheet HOT. So good. Could add chorus/harmony to the vocals on the chorus, but you don't have to. Ooh, guitar solo. Ye-eeeeeeah. Brill. Liked this a lot and was engaged throughout. Fine collab, guys :)
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This is not a song it's a Greek drama! (Does anyone survive?) The recurring slicing lyric is brilliant!
I think I would have hit us harder at the beginning - maybe a bit of the later guitar wildness then take it down for the first verse? But that's just another way of saying I really enjoyed it when it picked up around 1'25".
I got a bit of a Killing in the Name Of vibe which definitely can't be bad.
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Good colab, this works for me.
Enjoyed the ballsy guitar work and driving energy and I think your vocal style has found a home in this environment Scott.
Good work guys, I suspect there will be more to come from you two.
Yodasdad
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Darren,
Right up front - this is not my thing at all. Having said that, I actually quite liked it. Would Jagger rapping sound a little like this with Keef on guitar?
Musically and lyrically it's top notch but the lack of a tune hinders me from giving this the full thumbs up.
Great chord changes, great playing, great production but I don't come away humming a melody....
M