The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: adamfarr on December 06, 2015, 02:24:29 PM
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Hi all
Some may remember this from the lyrics section - thanks for lots of good input there as always.
It was inspired by this - now quite famous I think - Craigslist Missed Connections post entitled "I met you in the rain on the last day of 1972, the same day I resolved to kill myself":
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/craigslist-missed-connection_56177218e4b0dbb8000df6d4 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/craigslist-missed-connection_56177218e4b0dbb8000df6d4)
Whether or not it's genuine, it's hard to be unmoved. (Summary: Vietnam veteran finds returning home too hard to handle and contemplates suicide; trudges around Boston in the rain; finds another uphappy, soaked person in a ballgown; they share coffee and chat but she disappears; this meeting gives him the will to keep living; years later he posts a piece online describing what happened, thanking her and wondering whether she's still out there.) But for a twist - and to avoid cheese - I decided to write it from the lady's point of view...
As always, lots of questions:
- It's quite specific and potentially not universal - if you don't know the story does it make any sense at all? Does it matter?
- I went for a slow build - but does it lose interest?
- The final chorus felt right - but does it go on too long?
- I do realise that I am a British male and this should be sung by an American female...
Anyhow, it's been a labour of love. Interested in everyone's reactions as ever.
Rescued by the Rain
Slight remix (thanks to commenters): https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/rescued-by-the-rain-17122015-remix (https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/rescued-by-the-rain-17122015-remix)
V1
Coffee and pie ambushed your final thoughts
I saw someone whose whiskey they could wash away
For an hour did I make you the richest man in town
Your smoke giving way to our rain
V2
But I also moved between patient and nurse
All we had to do was keep each other alive
Forget what we've done and see what's still to do
Two fighters with petrified eyes
CH
Who gave who
the greatest gift?
To wonder at life's colours again
Who saved who?
That day when life loved us
And we were both rescued by the rain
V3
Seems I was born only to serve
So with honour I returned to face my own wars
Dutifully sending more good hearts out into the world
For me no discharge; and almost no remorse...
M8
Enough now
When you're someone like me
You make do with an hour of escape
Go now
Your escape was complete
But we'll both still remember when it rains
(c) Adam Farr, 2015
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Hey,
I just gotta say Wow, this is really cool, It's very off color and reminiscent of a Tim Burton movie, this is really cool. When the beat come in, it starts to remind me more of Roger Waters in Pink Floyd. I'm really digging the levels here, making the voice so prominent, and the instrumentation background. Good song.
~Nate
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Very endearing strangeness indeed..something about this I just can't put my finger on, a sort of narrative song with clunky lyrics but you've made it work..how? ??? well done..
a remarkable improvement sir...
still think your vocal is too dry..just a touch of space would be good IMHO..
best, Kevin :)
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This is lovely and laid back Adam. Your production is coming on in leaps and bounds. As usual your lyrics are very stimulating and interesting. You sure know how to tell a good story. Vocals sounding very good as well
Cheers John
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Hi,
Nice track.
The intro could be better, but after that the song develops well.
refusedrevival
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Lovely idea for a song and careful choice of perspective has made positive impact. I liked the gentle intro.
I noticed that you don't rhyme much in the lyrics and that can make it appear clunky if you are not careful. It calls attention to particular words when they do not rhyme and takes you out of the song a bit I felt.
Your middle 8 I found a little too similar to the rest of the song, and wanted it to stand out more. Moving the chord progression faster or slower, changing the rhythm or changing key all would provide that.
I did really like the drums at the end, coming out and changing the texture. Nice touch!
Great effort, lovely song :-)
Tom.
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You seem to slowly be improving track by track so you are heading in the right direction, your voice is defiantly an acquired taste but in some strange twisted way is more likely to get attention than an over processed one. You remind me of one of the more obscure comedians who fellow comedians think are a genius but the rest of the word just dont get and think are rubbish. If this song got played on Radio 6 by some cool DJ i think you might get yourself a small but select fan club of cool music fans who think you are amazingly obscure while the rest of the world scratches their heads ands thinks what the hell is this all about.
For what its worth I think this song and performance is so bad that its brillant. Hauntingly cool and odd at the same time. "Music Noir"
Hope I haven't been too Blunt :(
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Hello adamfarr!
Really nice a soothing track! The guitar harmonies is the beginning has really got me. Great stuff! I really like the mild feeling you have got going.
With love
Known as, Beppe
Tommy
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Hi Adam, this has a strange 60's feel to this could have been a weird cross between Edgar Broughton and Syd Barrett. The drum build worked pretty well! I found the intro a bit jarring and too different from the song once it got going. Keep working at it!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi all - thanks for comments so far. So many different ways to say "strange" ;-) This was never going to be a commercial sounding project but I never thought I would get such a wide range of feedback.
giitlesriddles: thanks a million, glad you liked it, and especially the production which I am gradually getting into.
shadowfax: thanks, means a lot coming from you - I think you have commented on all my songs on here and seen my "journey". I added plate, ambience and chorus on the vocal - quite noticeable in solo but not so much in the mix (and so I backed them right off during the quiet middle 8). Probably better to go with too little than too much for now, right? I think slightly clunky can be OK if all words work together and are "authentic" which I did spend a lot of attention on...
pompeyjazz: thanks particularly for the comments on lyrics and storytelling - up to now I think production issues have distracted from those things which are really what I am most about. Vocals comment is a bonus!
refusedrevival: glad you got into it after the intro - any suggestions on what might work better for you? Thanks for listening!
tboswell: thanks for very telling comments as usual. For sure there is something prosaic at times about the lyrics which comes from not wanting to compromise on meaning. Some of the phrasing has quite a "spoken" feel too, which I think helps, but you're right it's a bit of a tightrope. I definitely take on board your comments on middle 8 - for me it was the emotional highpoint of the song but I accept that the development might not match.
Morefrog Jones: umm... I guess all I can say is thanks for listening...
knownasbeppe: interesting how you liked the intro when others didn't so much. Thanks for the feedback!
Jamie: Another question mark over the intro - food for thought... Did it work for you when it came back in the solo? I have to say I've no idea about Edgar Broughton but I will check him out... Thanks for that!
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Adam, this is a touching and intriguing song. I like the fact it was based on that Craig’s List message (which I’d never heard of).
(Many of my own lyrics have been inspired by poignant – or amusing – brief comments on sites like Dear Old Love or PostSecret.)
I like the way you avoided using perfect rhymes and opted for related rhymes (away/rain; alive/eyes; wars/remorse) in the verses. This added to the overall uniqueness of the lyric and the performance.
If you decide ever to re-track this one, a certain clunkiness might be resolved by dropping a syllable or two in some of the lines, or by slightly rewording them (e.g. ‘For an hour I made you the richest man in town’, as this is how it would normally be expressed in conversation). As regards phrasing, I think the pause between sentence fragments in many of the lines contributes to this clunkiness, as the continual stops break the flow; they become predictable, and could distract the listener. They also weaken the strong words that follow the pauses.
It’s also important not to emphasise unimportant words, such as prepositions (e.g. ‘For’ in line 3, V1).
A further thought: simply for contrast, the use of perfect rhymes in the bridge might punch it up a little. Give it more anchorage, so to speak.
I like the imagery in the lyric, and find V2 & 3 particularly moving.
The sense in line 2, V1, is unclear. Perhaps the idea could be expressed differently?
And without knowing the back story, I would have found line 4 unclear as well.
All in all, though, a charming song, tender and authentic. Very nice storytelling. (I’m not a musician, but in my mind I can hear the song with a simple acoustic guitar or piano.) In fact, if you find a female singer, maybe someone who could give it a quirky anti-folk vibe, like Kimya Dawson or Regina Spektor.
Just a few thoughts. I hope they’re of use. :)
Donna
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really like this
that chorus turned my head.. moving song good lyric
nice kind of sixties thing when the strumming arrives..lifts it
nice mix
thought you sang it well tho a little wobbly at the off but the chorus arrived and i was turned..
youve a character voice , stands out, its a gift really hang on to it mate, i sing like adam farr should be your warcry ! the more you use it the better youll get it.. think its about conviction really and youve got that.
great song
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Hi Adam,
Great original sounding riffs in the opening and some nice lyrics. I enjoyed listening to your track, it took me to a few different places all at once!
My greatest problem was how the vocal sits in the mix, it sounds like you have a ducker on some times, as when the voice kicks in the music is severely in the background in the chorus. I could be wrong, but I also think you've got a boost somewhere between 1.5 and 4kHz on the vocal which is too strong in my opinion (could be the mic you're using). I think that putting a bit of reverb on the vocal, lowering the gain and changing the EQ a bit will set the vocal back in the mix quite nicely for the chorus.
I think it's a great track and my comments on the vocal are my opinion and maybe not everybody's. I look forward to hearing more from you. Keep up the good work.
Sam
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Hi Adam
First of all I like the songwriting. The verses are a good support for the chorus which is the real star. The who gave who/who saved who is great and the payoff line with the title wraps it up nicely. The melody here in the chorus is at its best. There is a yearning quality which I put down mostly to the vocal but I think the way the melody is going helps give it this feeling.
There is a fragility to the sound which has a kind of appeal but don't know if it's what you're after really or just a side-effect of the mix. If it is what you're after then you've cracked it....otherwise i think you want to get fatter somehow and a bit less exposed. Those tinny guitar notes are especially thin-sounding.
I think that you need something other than guitars to add to your songs so dig out some other instruments and have a go. I bet you'll be surprised and hooked on some of the things you come up with.
The verse lyric has its merits and i understand that you're after integrity and meaning rather than flow but do think that there could be some compromise reached where the clunkiness is ironed out a bit. It is rather awkward-sounding in parts. The chorus lyric is working just fine which is more important but...
Anyway, enjoyed this latest creation, and good to see you getting the hang of the song-making process a bit more.
I like the song itself which is ultimately the important thing isn't it?
Your points...
1. I think the lyric message is fine and anyway, for me personally, it doesn't need the story explanation for it to work.
2. The build is good. The shift to the chorus was always going to work here anyway. I didn't lose interest but agree with Tom that a greater contrast musically in the middle 8 would work wonders...it should take us away for a bit....some reflection or something...which gives more power to the song and the listener more satisfaction when it comes back in.
3. Final chorus is fine.
4. Like (some of) the others I'm enjoying the feeling in your vocals...a little more confidence in the delivery perhaps...more practice will do it no doubt!
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Adam, you did such a great job of this...from picking up on the fab story, to getting the lyrics nailed down so well...and then making it into the finished song i'm listening to now.
i loved it.
on top of that, you've made such a great contribution to the forum :)
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Haunting riff that give a rainy quality to the production. i agree with the comment about too many syllables but that's nit-picking a fine and original track. You can rain on my parade anytime :-)
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Hi Adam. I am listening to this again for about the fifth time. This song is so clever. I am appreciating the subtle nuances that you have dropped in. Love this song
yes of course there are millions of things that can be done production wise. I have just spent two hours working on eq on a song that it took me 30 mins to lay down but can make things sound So different. Great work Adam. I wish I had your patience and attention to detail 😁
Pompeyjazz
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Nice, simple, clear intro. I liked that. The vocals seemed to me to come it at an odd place. I like the bass which lays a good foundation in fact, all the backing is excellent when you listen carefully. I see now how everything is very strongly supporting the plaintive lyric and strained delivery.
For me there are far too few rhymes in the lyric but there are plenty of good lines to play with. Verse 2 line 2 is very strong but let down by the relative clumsiness of line 1. The chorus, for me, is the strongest part of the song. Which is a good thing I think?
Honestly, I didn't like this on first listen but after 4 or 5 listens I do. For my preference the lyric needs more rhymes and, perhaps be more specific.
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Hi Adam,
There are some great phrases and ideas in the lyrics and the overall frame of the song is fine. For me, the lyrics need some polishing to add more rhymes or half rhymes because it can sound clunky at times. Always hard to tell a story and not be confined by what rhymes and what doesn't but the skill is to make melody and lyrics pull the listener in. This song doesn't always do that. Musical accompaniment was a little distracting for me and also the vocal lacks confidence.
It sounds like I'm being overly critical which is not my intention. I think this is great attempt to tell this story and you are clearly coming on at a good rate. It is not derivative which in itself is a hard trick to pull off.
M
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Adam,
Interesting story, glad you gave us a background: there is a Sleepless in Seattle sort of romance to it that appeals to me.
Not sure about the recording itself though. As others have indicated before me it feels a little ... clunky.
I think the lyric too needs someresolving, particularly with the meter and rhyme.
An odd one but interesting all the same.
Good luck with this.
Psyve
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Thanks again for all the input... Sometimes I feel I am hitting the ball OK; sometimes I feel I can't even get it over the net...
- Donna: thanks for all the detailed comments: for sure better phrasing ("for an HOUR" rather than "FOR an hour" etc.) and smoothing out the pauses is great advice. Regina Spektor singing this - would really be something...
- Nooms: thanks so much - I think you were one of the people who commented on my first song and convinced me that I could do a vocal if I worked at it (still working!)
- MusicmanSam: great ears - I checked and I did boost the vocal at around 3K, trying to create more separation from the guitars but it does now sound a bit stark. I think the 'ducking' effect is probably clumsy compression/limiting on the master. Long way to go...
- Viscount: as ever, love getting the benefit of your considered analysis. Yes, I was going for vulnerability, so that's good if that came across. For the verses I was going for a kind of 'blurty' emotionality, but I think there's no getting away from the fact that they should be honed down to scan better. And a solo piano line might be an idea rather than or together with the tinny guitar. I do appreciate the comments re the writing. Hopefully the rest will follow and all come together in time.
- PaulAds: if you liked it then that's good enough for me. Thanks for your support and encouragement.
- Mickeytwonames: many thanks - yes, the descending riff was supposed to be a bit rainlike...
- Pompeyjazz: thanks again! My instinct is always to be subtle but obviously that's a two edged sword if I don't grab the listener the first time... Lots to think about!
- Shinythang: thanks so much for taking the time to listen more than once. (Rather pleased with the comments on the backing and especially the bass playing!)
- Montydog: all your comments very valid. Thanks especially for the comment re originality, that means a lot - but agree that ideally the rest needs to be on a par.
- Psyve: thanks for listening. The story is great and glad you appreciated it. Striving to get better in all aspects.
Cheers everyone.
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Hi Adam,
What I love above the song is the concept and the the lyrics, there are some real gems in there, well done.
In terms of overall production you are improving vastly compared to some of the earlier pieces. I really love the real organic approach to the choice of instruments and placement in the mix. There are a few obvious problems, one of which the guitar lines in the intro seemed dissonant to me and not in the key of the song, but I didn't notice it anywhere else in the piece, it could just be me !
In terms of the songwriting, my overall view, and I've heard it in your other songs, is that the music and phrasing are not working together enough as a unit in order to support the emotion of the song. All the elements seem to be well put together but there is no overall unity, and each piece of the jigsaw when put together doesn't paint one whole picture. It all seems a bit too fragmented with albeit many great ideas in there but unfortunately pulling in a few directions. It leads to confusion and the feeling that something isn't quite right. Hey, it's only my opinion, I'm probably way off the mark, and it didn't stop me enjoying the song !
Well done
Regards,
Frenchy
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Hi Adam
Well that was different and I like different ;D!
Lyrics are solid and I like the tinny guitar motif going on throughout - it gives it an original flavour.
Good choice on the 6/8 time - got me swaying in time.
The mix could be improved I think - the vocals seemed a bit loud and dry in places for me and I think it would flow better with a sustaining instrument (maybe an organ or cello would work). I thought the word "rain" at the end of the chorus seemed like it was out of chord (not out of tune :)) but maybe just the way I heard it.
Every song you post is better than the last - keep going!
Paul
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Yes, the story worked for me well enough from the lyrics alone. I was scratching my head a bit about the third line in the song and the second line in the chorus. Why does she know what a great impact she had on his life? Wouldn't she be more aware of her own emotions, and maybe wondering about his, than the other way round? But apart from that the mood and feelings were transported very nicely with just enough mysteries to make the song interesting.
I really liked the background vocals on the chorus, they sound very good to my ears and lifted the chorus to a new level above the verse, which is as it should be I guess.
Bye Wolfi
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Hi Adam,
I think the song certainly has something about it. Maintained the interest.
Nice melodies and backing vocals.
Thought the vocal wasn't quite sat in the track.
Liked when the drum came in - perhaps would have it fade in earlier over a longer period?
Different - in a good way.
Digger
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Great concept for a song, however it's good that you are not too specific in my opinion. This way this song can still be related to by people who don't the story.
I like the idea of the guitar riffs working together in harmony, plus live the use of the harmony vocals in the chorus.
You've been clever with the instrumentation as well. Was that a marching soldier at the if the song, wandering off?
I've heard a few of your tracks now, and this is by far the most polished. I think you're doing a really great job with the rest or ding and mixing. My only bugbear for this song is that it felt like it took a while to land in the pocket of the groove at the outset. Once the song was flowing it landed, but it's worth trying to get there sooner.
Nice one
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Just a quick thank you to those who took the time to listen and comment!
- Frenchy: Thanks for great comments and encouragement, and going into some detail. The "pulling in one direction" thing really gives me something to think about - I had tried to keep it interesting but perhaps the result is that no two sections sound the same. Hmmm...
- Paulski: many thanks - I do have a tendency to want to use the vocal to add some sort of "jazzlike" chord extension at times. Not always deliberate so something to watch out for... Re the sustaining instruments I couldn't really find a sound I liked - tried to connect things with bass pads, reverby guitars and BVs but clearly not quite the same...
- Wolfini: thanks for a different perspective on the lyrics. My thought was that she clearly knew what she had done for him, but that she felt the need to say, hey, don't forget my side of the story too. And thanks re the BVs - they are the things that I currently seem to have the most fun with...
- digger: yes, the vocal did seem quite harsh so I have done a bit of remixing with that in mind. I did like the idea of no drums for two verses to give me somewhere else to go, but it may have been a bit of a step too far. Many thanks for listening!
- oliver: yes, you nailed it, that was the army taking her back to her "wars"! As with digger, I see the point re the groove coming in so late. This may be partly due to starting with 2 verses and taking my time to get to a chorus. Here I think we need the context, but probably not a good habit generally... Thanks for the encouragement - small steps forward each time.
Thanks all - slight remix at the top if at all interested, based partly on all the great comments.