The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: cowparsleyman on January 04, 2018, 08:34:13 AM
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I play music and write songs, I don't box myself into a genre, as you'll see from my Soundcloud profile.
This song just emerged, but I have no idea what melody line or lyric set would suit it, so I'd be very grateful for any lyiricst to put some words /melody line on it, I would probably put some 'Let's meet at the mall' 'back to the future' type of 50's voice over at the beginning, maybe, anyway I'm up for any ideas...Let me know what you think.
Thanks for listening
https://soundcloud.com/cowparsleyman/co-noshussness
I'ts title can be changed, this working title is a mis pronunciation of consciousness... :)
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This is an excellent song! You have really nailed that American-teen-dance feel. Very high quality piece of writing. Unfortunately, lyrics for such a piece are out of my area but I wanted to say, nonetheless, that it sits right up there with the score to "Grease" so far as I'm concerned.
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Wow, thanks very much indeed, that's really kind.
There's quite a bit more of my stuff on Soundcloud that you might like, I'm keen to hear your stuff.
CPM
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Hi CPM. I really admire the energy and attitude in this song and you've obviously done a lot of work on it but it does sound one hell of a lot like Alternative Ulster by Stiff Little Fingers. If that's your intention, fair enough. You could vary the riff a little bit, drop another chord in there, add some different vocals and it would be a different song. Not a critic ism, just an observation.
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Hi Pompeyjazz
Thanks very much for your reply, that's really interesting to know about stiff little fingers, I've never heard anything by them, so that's kind of cool that it sounds like them, so obviously no it wan't my intention to sound like that, the chord structure is rather predictable, so I guess there was a risk of that, maybe the as yet unknown melody line will resolve that.
I was listening to it in the car this morning and I was thinking maybe a love shack kind of upbeat party type of vibe would fit, you know what I mean? a plasticky disposable party themed lyric, sung by an american female, with a couple of backing vox in the chorus.
What do you think?
Would that veer away any concerns?
CPM
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Interesting as there are only so many chord progressions I guess but as you say a melody and vocal makes the song totally different. I think the B52 idea is great and sorry if I appeared negative, that was not my intention as I think you have some cracking stuff
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I'm getting a Rainbow' Since you've been gone' vibe.
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Sounds like a fun "teen" song
Had some lyric ideas - loaded with cliche I know!
I was hanging at the mall, trying to kill some time,
Like every Saturday
Then I saw her standing there, shining like a star of illuminosity
She was with her gang but I only saw the girl of all my dreams
Then he took her hand and my world exploded into misery
Shine like a star, seen from afar,
When will I have her close to me
She is so cool, I'm such a fool
She'll never even notice me
https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/nush-star for a melody idea
Apologies for the crap singing - not my key or style, but hey!
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Interesting as there are only so many chord progressions I guess but as you say a melody and vocal makes the song totally different. I think the B52 idea is great and sorry if I appeared negative, that was not my intention as I think you have some cracking stuff
@Pompey Jazz - It's OK you weren't negative, you were totally helpful, I had a glimmer of inspiriation for the melody line on the way home yesterday, but as you probably have experienced, they are gone in a blink of an eye, never to return, unless you stop and record it on your phone, like I sometimes do.
I need to reach out to others in this forum to get a collaboration with some American vocalists to catch the USA vibe, I'll be in touch....
Regards
I really like your Elizabeth song, just not the production...
CPM
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Sounds like a fun "teen" song
Had some lyric ideas - loaded with cliche I know!
I was hanging at the mall, trying to kill some time,
Like every Saturday
Then I saw her standing there, shining like a star of illuminosity
She was with her gang but I only saw the girl of all my dreams
Then he took her hand and my world exploded into misery
Shine like a star, seen from afar,
When will I have her close to me
She is so cool, I'm such a fool
She'll never even notice me
https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/nush-star for a melody idea
Apologies for the crap singing - not my key or style, but hey!
Thanks for taking the effort to do the Vox idea, I like parts of it, the singing is fine, maybe give it a bit more balls, and stand a but further from the mic...backing vox always helps.
It's given me ideas...
I want to avoid anything negative, it all Up UP UP, referring back to love shack, there is no mention of not noticing me, nor breaking up, know what I mean?
It's all bubble gum, drive ins, malls, the ball game, mom and dad, surfing on the shore etc...
CPM
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I'm getting a Rainbow' Since you've been gone' vibe.
Thanks for your comments....
Didn't expect that, after I recorded it , I thought it sounded a bit like The Inbetweeners TV theme...
It's tempting to plonk since you been gone melody on top.... :D
CPM
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Thanks for taking the effort to do the Vox idea, I like parts of it, the singing is fine, maybe give it a bit more balls, and stand a but further from the mic...backing vox always helps.
It's given me ideas...
Happy to have given some input that sparks off other ideas - best of luck with the song!
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After all your comments, I decided to give it a go and put some lyrics on this.
Here's the version 2
https://soundcloud.com/cowparsleyman/co-noshussness-v2-texas-twister
It's not mixed at all, the levels and the quality is a bit rough, I can put that right after I get your comments...
I must stress this is just a guide vocal, The names in the Voice over part are the people from this forum who took the time to comment on it, so I thought I'd include them, I thought Pompey Jazz is a cool name.
On the real thing I would like the Voice over to be real, young American female voices, on the phone.
With party sounds
On the Verses I think My voice would be OK, with the same girls backing Vox.
On the Yeah after 'Are you ready'? That would be a group of male and female Americans
Fade - just the American girls
Here are the lyrics, I'm not convinced about all of them, nor the melody line, but it's a start.
So don't be afraid to be blunt... :)
Hope you like it.
Voice over
There's a party tonight, you gonna come?
Sure, who's coming?
PaulyX, Purple Cherry, Vicki, Pompey Jazz
Pompey Jazz? is he coming?
V1
Meet you at 7, be there at 11
I'll bring some crisps and a party 7
Vicki's got a sister, Wow Mister
She dances like a Texas Twister
Pre Chorus
All caught up and ready to go
A bit too tight, does it show?
All caught up and ready to go
Are you ready? Yeah Lets go lets go (repeat)
V2
Pulling up outside we can feel the beat
The place is cookin'
Vickis kissing in the kitchen
but what she's missing
is her sister twistin' like a Texas Twister
Solo
Watch our Mister a Texas Twister
rept
Watch out mister shes a Texas Twister.
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Interesting as there are only so many chord progressions I guess but as you say a melody and vocal makes the song totally different. I think the B52 idea is great and sorry if I appeared negative, that was not my intention as I think you have some cracking stuff
@Pompey Jazz - It's OK you weren't negative, you were totally helpful, I had a glimmer of inspiriation for the melody line on the way home yesterday, but as you probably have experienced, they are gone in a blink of an eye, never to return, unless you stop and record it on your phone, like I sometimes do.
I need to reach out to others in this forum to get a collaboration with some American vocalists to catch the USA vibe, I'll be in touch....
Regards
I really like your Elizabeth song, just not the production...
CPM
Hi PompeyJazz
I've done some lyric, and you're in them....
CPM
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This is an excellent song! You have really nailed that American-teen-dance feel. Very high quality piece of writing. Unfortunately, lyrics for such a piece are out of my area but I wanted to say, nonetheless, that it sits right up there with the score to "Grease" so far as I'm concerned.
Hi Purple Cherry
I put some lyrics to this song, and you are in them....
CPM
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Excellent. You gotta change crisps to chips, though. We don't have crisps here. Haha. But really fun song.
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Excellent. You gotta change crisps to chips, though. We don't have crisps here. Haha. But really fun song.
By golly you’re right, I’ll definitely changes that, i want to include gas, soda and sidewalk somewhere too
Thanks for the tip
Cpm
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Excellent stuff CPM ;D
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Here's the current version, taking into account all your comments since the last version.
https://soundcloud.com/cowparsleyman/texas-twister-v2-co-noshussness
Changed the lyrics slightly
A track per vocal line
More BVox
Mixed
Mastered - now 135bpm
It was done in a bit of a hurry, so apologies for things I've not heard.
I would again be grateful for your comments.
Regards
CPM
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Sounds like a fun "teen" song
Had some lyric ideas - loaded with cliche I know!
I was hanging at the mall, trying to kill some time,
Like every Saturday
Then I saw her standing there, shining like a star of illuminosity
She was with her gang but I only saw the girl of all my dreams
Then he took her hand and my world exploded into misery
Shine like a star, seen from afar,
When will I have her close to me
She is so cool, I'm such a fool
She'll never even notice me
https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/nush-star for a melody idea
Apologies for the crap singing - not my key or style, but hey!
Thanks again for the work you did on my song, I really appreciate it, I made me think again of how I wanted it to sound, your ideas were great, and I especially like it that it's not your bag nor key.
A huge thank you again, have you heard the current version...see further up this post...It's not finished yet, but it's got so much more shape to it.
Regards
CPM
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Just an update with this, I'm probably going to put a new beat based section in at the end, building to another chorus and then end, I'll put it up when it's done.
You get ideas when it's heard in the car a few times.
Might not come to anything, but it's clear enough in my mind...
CPM
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Another update...Haven't been posting too much lately
Re recorded it, changed the structure, and collaborating with an American singer to nail the sound I am looking for, 42 tracks so far...needs a lot of care and finesse in the production.
Wish us luck....It's really exciting and very motivational.
cpm
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I’ll be honest, I’m absolutely gutted you don’t need help anymore. I was having great fun putting lyrics
to it. I see a lot of potential in this song. Bubblegum dream teen pop
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Something I think would sound better is: When you sing ‘sister’ and ‘twister’ hold the first syllable a little longer. This sounds great, and will also accentuate ‘Wow Mr’ since that line will still be delivered rapidly.
Also, hold ‘twister’ when it comes back later, too.
This is just my personal opinion of course. But I think I’ve got a decent ear for catchy pop, especially lyrics.
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I think that it's great , wouldn't be out of place In a west end musical , , lyrics sound ok to me , I think that the melody carries it through brilliantly xxx
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Thanks very much MajP and Katie for your kind words, really nice of you to take the time, I'll give it some thought, it would be best if you can send me a PM with a sung example of what you think, don't worry about the quality.
cpm
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Thanks very much MajP and Katie for your kind words, really nice of you to take the time, I'll give it some thought, it would be best if you can send me a PM with a sung example of what you think, don't worry about the quality.
cpm
Yeah, I’ll email you what I mean.
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Thanks, can't wait.
cpm
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Loving seeing (hearing) the changes as this developed. Having heard the songs early draft, pre-lyrics, and now with words, its brill stuff. Now your words are there im not picking up the other song mentioned thing, at all. And your chorus melody line high bits sound ace. Good job. cx
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Loving seeing (hearing) the changes as this developed. Having heard the songs early draft, pre-lyrics, and now with words, its brill stuff. Now your words are there im not picking up the other song mentioned thing, at all. And your chorus melody line high bits sound ace. Good job. cx
Thanks very much Caz,
'Texas' is nearly finished, I'll pop it up here when it's ready, needs just a bit of polish, like the 'Stang (I walk past one every day, a lovely bright orange one), the one in my mind in the song, however, is a red one, soft top, a 60's style...with a shed load of party people in it, headscarves, cardigans, preppy stuff, cool shades, just like something out of Nation Lampoons Animal House....
http://masbukti.com/ford/ford-mustang/1964-ford-mustang-convertible
..sure has been an interesting journey.
cpm
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Loving seeing (hearing) the changes as this developed. Having heard the songs early draft, pre-lyrics, and now with words, its brill stuff. Now your words are there im not picking up the other song mentioned thing, at all. And your chorus melody line high bits sound ace. Good job. cx
Thanks very much Caz,
'Texas' is nearly finished, I'll pop it up here when it's ready, needs just a bit of polish, like the 'Stang (I walk past one every day, a lovely bright orange one), the one in my mind in the song, however, is a red one, soft top, a 60's style...with a shed load of party people in it, headscarves, cardigans, preppy stuff, cool shades, just like something out of Nation Lampoons Animal House....
http://masbukti.com/ford/ford-mustang/1964-ford-mustang-convertible
..sure has been an interesting journey.
cpm
Here's the final version.
https://soundcloud.com/cowparsleyman/texas-twister-2018
It started with a song that I had no idea what to do with, then I joined this website, had some lovely welcoming words from Vicki, Purple Cherry, PaulyX and PompeyJazz, then put it up this forum, RedRhodie gave me some encouragement and put me in touch with a friend of hers that might want to help with it, fortunately pkboo3 was up for it and here's the result, thanks to all of you that commented, actually re recorded it for me to hear, wrote lyrics, and gave me so much inspiration. Thanks too to AFox, that great idea is being worked on...Matt for so much enthusiasm.
Please let me know what you think.
cpm