The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: jacksimmons on October 21, 2019, 11:07:37 PM
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I wrote this song when I was about 19/20 and had a few primitive attempts at recording it. Decided to revisit it a week or so ago and am a lot happier with this mix and arrangement. Again I've aimed for an organic sort of sound but have spruced it up a bit with strings and bits. I guess you could call this a coming-of-age song.
Lyrics:
Dry your eyes now Melanie
Melanie is all TV dinners, winter winds and Christmas sun
She doesn't mind she's always on her own
And when she's finished sweeping leaves between the aisles
She'll go see the cars in the auto cafe
Which she likes a lot, she likes the shine
Melanie is studying law (She's got a law book the size of her head)
Sh doesn't mind the prettier girls stare
She's shaking feeding the birds
Like some sort of jet engine, she's confused but proud
Which she likes a lot, she likes the shine
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la oooh.
La la la la la la la la la la la oooh.
Melanie when you're done it won't be the world that laughs at you
You'll be laughing at them like you're a pretty part-time punk
Melanie, oh oh
Don't give up on us yet we've a lot to learn
We're just preppy paint balling kids pressured like diamonds in the rough
Melanie, oh oh, we're just trying to get by
And you're sitting in that little cafe like you could set the world on fire eating your meal for one
Melanie, oh, Melanie
What will be is what will be
Good luck Melanie!
Melanie likes people watching, sad boys and broken homes
She knows nothing bad can last
And when she sees them bursting out of their cocoons
She goes back to it with a pretty smile
She knows her time will come
Melanie when you're done it won't be the world that laughs at you
You'll be laughing at them like you're a pretty part-time punk
Melanie, oh oh
Don't give up on us yet we've a lot to learn
We're just preppy paint balling kids pressured like diamonds in the rough
Melanie, oh oh, we're just trying to get by
And you're sitting in that little cafe like you could set the world on fire eating your meal for one
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Whato @Jack Simmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18691) - had a bird called Melanie...this is signature JS, no nits from me, you have a knack for pop. Maybe a bit long ?
Do you plan your harmonies?
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Wow this is pop tastic excellent!! Well done.
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I'm liking the lyrics with the interesting vinaigrettes and descriptors. aways like a name a title. Vocals cool and BV's are inventive as ever.
Some good and fun musical touches in the supportive arrangements.
As a tune it's got loads going on their which can be a bit much on first listen.
I'm not sure what the chorus is..
Anyway an enjoyable listen
:-)
Neil
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Hi Jack, firstly there are some great lyrical lines in here. My faves are "Melanie is all TV dinners, winter winds and Christmas sun" and "We're just preppy paint balling kids pressured like diamonds in the rough"
Great inventiveness.
It's a lovely poppy little ditty and I always appreciate your vocal and harmony work.
There is a lot going on in this song, so think it needs a few re-listens to appreciate everything that is happening.
Great work Jack
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I listened to this earlier today, and this one is fantastic! And the sound of your voice is so amazing! The lyrics are really good too. Good job @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) :)
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Super song..super lyrics...super harmonies...super vox...probably a little too complicated for today's pop listeners, this is pop for intellectuals mate!! well done :)
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I've been swamped lately, but listened to this a couple of days ago and am still thinking about it. A piece of pop art. I remember your vocals not being what I expected, and really loving the lyrics. What I don't remember is the melody, but I don't think it's a problem that it's not an earworm. I think if I didn't hear it again for years, when I heard it, I'd remember it, and her. It has that kind of impact. Well conceived, crafted, and produced.
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Hi, very clever, brilliantly sung and produced pop song. Excellent, can't say anything but good things.
Cheers
Jamie
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Yo @Jack Simmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18691)
Jack,you continue apace to grow both as a musician and a singer. This is quality no matter which way I listen.
Superbly crafted lyrics and oh,those vocals.
I won't even attempt a review,I'm just gonna enjoy the song. 8)
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Hi jack, This is cool
gave me some Smiths vibes, really liked the way the track moves along, as always, vocals are top work fella.
Not knocking your mix but get a full band feel on this one dude and you have a corker on ya hands.
Top work.
BTW, I freakin loved the smiths, can you tell.
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Another great upbeat breezy number. Vocals are super...and I loved the drums.
If you get a moment, check out "Melanie" by The Prisoners who I saw supporting The Ramones at the Mayfair Ballroom in Newcastle back in around 1986 and they blew me away. And don't tell me how old you were (or weren't) in 1986.
I was just beginning to think that the song was just getting to be a tiny bit too long when it ended...and the ending was a little abrupt maybe?
Doesn't matter anyway...another top quality track!
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Another great upbeat breezy number. Vocals are super...and I loved the drums.
If you get a moment, check out "Melanie" by The Prisoners who I saw supporting The Ramones at the Mayfair Ballroom in Newcastle back in around 1986 and they blew me away. And don't tell me how old you were (or weren't) in 1986.
I was just beginning to think that the song was just getting to be a tiny bit too long when it ended...and the ending was a little abrupt maybe?
Doesn't matter anyway...another top quality track!
This is cool! Love it. I may have to tell you how old I was in 1986...minus eight, but wish I could have seen these guys live back in the day.
Glad you liked the tune. Maybe I will revisit the ending. I think another chorus will make the song a little protracted but maybe an instrumental break.
Thanks for listening mate.
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Whato @Jack Simmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18691) - had a bird called Melanie...this is signature JS, no nits from me, you have a knack for pop. Maybe a bit long ?
Do you plan your harmonies?
Thanks @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) I think it is a bit long. maybe a bit of a meanderer. But I was inspired by ABBA's the Name of the Game - think that is a masterclass in a pop song with multiple parts. You're over the two minute mark before a single section repeats! That's what I was after here. Perhaps it sacrifices catchiness for that goal. EDIT: @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) I forgot to answer your question: some harmonies I plan and others I don't. The big block harmony parts like "laughing at them like you're a pretty part-time punk" I heard in my head before I started - most of the other harmonies in this one not so much
Wow this is pop tastic excellent!! Well done.
Thanks for listening @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491)
I'm liking the lyrics with the interesting vinaigrettes and descriptors. aways like a name a title. Vocals cool and BV's are inventive as ever.
Some good and fun musical touches in the supportive arrangements.
As a tune it's got loads going on their which can be a bit much on first listen.
I'm not sure what the chorus is..
Anyway an enjoyable listen
Thanks Neil! Yep I agree there's a lot going on. It grew a little in the writing haha
PS. I too am a fan of the name title. Wish all songs could be name songs. Maybe that's an idea for an album.
Hi Jack, firstly there are some great lyrical lines in here. My faves are "Melanie is all TV dinners, winter winds and Christmas sun" and "We're just preppy paint balling kids pressured like diamonds in the rough"
Great inventiveness.
It's a lovely poppy little ditty and I always appreciate your vocal and harmony work.
There is a lot going on in this song, so think it needs a few re-listens to appreciate everything that is happening.
Great work Jack
Thanks @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) I'm glad you enjoyed the lyrics. If I remember rightly these were adapted from a poem of mine. I was crap at poetry at 19 but managed to squeeze some song lyrics out of them. And yep, this was designed for relistening and not to be totally immediate. That might make it not everyone's cup of tea! Glad you liked!
I listened to this earlier today, and this one is fantastic! And the sound of your voice is so amazing! The lyrics are really good too. Good job @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) :)
Thanks @LukeArmstrongMusic (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101)! Glad you like my ridiculously affected singing voice hahaha
Super song..super lyrics...super harmonies...super vox...probably a little too complicated for today's pop listeners, this is pop for intellectuals mate!! well done :)
wow thanks @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) I don't think I'm interested in today's pop listeners (kind of like I'm not interested in most of today's pop). If I can carve out a tiny, tiny niche for people that want music like this I will be happy haha. Thanks for listening mate.
I've been swamped lately, but listened to this a couple of days ago and am still thinking about it. A piece of pop art. I remember your vocals not being what I expected, and really loving the lyrics. What I don't remember is the melody, but I don't think it's a problem that it's not an earworm. I think if I didn't hear it again for years, when I heard it, I'd remember it, and her. It has that kind of impact. Well conceived, crafted, and produced.
Awe thank you. I am glad it stuck with you and you had to come back to it. I think that's what I was aiming for with this song. It has too many parts to be instantly catchy anyway. Thanks for listening.
Hi, very clever, brilliantly sung and produced pop song. Excellent, can't say anything but good things.
wow thank you @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) Appreciate it.
Yo @Jack Simmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18691)
Jack,you continue apace to grow both as a musician and a singer. This is quality no matter which way I listen.
Superbly crafted lyrics and oh,those vocals.
I won't even attempt a review,I'm just gonna enjoy the song. 8)
Thank you very much @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) I think I am beginning to get somewhere. This new collection of songs, I think might be the best I've ever written. But don't they all feel like that at the time? Thanks for listening. Thanks for the kind words.
Hi jack, This is cool
gave me some Smiths vibes, really liked the way the track moves along, as always, vocals are top work fella.
Not knocking your mix but get a full band feel on this one dude and you have a corker on ya hands.
Top work.
BTW, I freakin loved the smiths, can you tell.
haha thanks @Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) Not sure if you're joking about the Smiths or not, I find people often are! But they're certainly one of my big influences. Getting that full band sound is so hard, isn't it? Found it much harder than ripping off the eighties like my last stuff.
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Hey Jack, this a lovely piece of sunshine pop. It made me think of 60s tracks like The Zombies ’Care of Cell 44’, or the Monkees... lovely chirpy vibes with a hint of psychedelia, and it fulfils the most important (in my opinion) role of music: to make people happy. It’s quite show tuney to my ears but that doesn’t diminish it as your lyrics steer it well clear of cheese. Didn’t feel too long to these lugs as it has several sections and evolves nicely, and vocals sounded spot on. Well done.
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Super interesting and off-beat lyrics and wow your vocal is amazing! They're some notes you're reaching! Great harms / BVs - great effect! The transitions work really well, not an easy thing to pull off I reckon. Some lovely keys going on in there too.. among many other elements.. Just wow!
K
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Hi jack,
Not joking at all, I really do like and still listen to the smiths stuff and morrissey too. His new stuff is quite good.
It was the phrasing of the lyics and the way they bounce along that gave me the vibe, in a good way.
Great listen here mate, well done.