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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on March 20, 2019, 04:18:16 PM
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Hi everyone,
Just finished this one. It’s written to a backing track I received while on a “top lining” course online. I just added some djembe drums and some chimey things to try and tie in to the topic a little bit...Of all the tracks I received, this was the only song that after finishing it, felt like a “Leo” song, so I’ve kept it, although I did have fun Pretending to write for current pop artists.
All thoughts are welcome as always and thanks for stopping by.😄🎶👊🏻🎶
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/talking-zulu-rough-mix-wip-songtown-homework
Lyrics
Lately I’ve been thinking, about those days back then
I may forget the mission, but not you my friends
In the townships,
through the city
All the countless smiles that touched my heart
Chorus
Talking Zulu back when I was 21
We were only boys in camouflage
Under the Durban sun
Made it through the rain in Swaziland
Leaning on the stars
Feeding off their love
A lot has changed since then
But I know what you meant
So thank you for being there.
You were there to hold me, When my best friend died
A million miles from home then, With that question why
Through the struggle
Became brothers
Everybody showed us so much love…
Ngiyabonga kakhulu, khaluma isizulu
Ngiyabonga kakhulu, khaluma isizulu
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great vocals lost boy really strong
love the way youve placed them and navigate the lyric
backing track and production actually reminds of Toto ..with better lyrics !
has that sparkle and energy
and your vocals rise wonderfully on top.
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I may start sending some instrumentals your way, it´ll be just like Roxy Music did it. This is a fab little track...you´re so pop it makes me fizzy. I do like the little percussive bits as well...I´m gonna see if I beat it, all I´ve got it a @Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620) track to work on :)
Really excellent work as usual.
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This is another exceptional piece of work from you Leo. You're dead right, it really does sound like a Leo song. The lyrics have been well thought out and vocals as ever are absolutely superb. I think that the modern pop tunes that you produce are exceptional. Nailed it again Leo :)
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Yo Leo.
I hear what nooms means. With the addition of your smooth vocals,the track sounds like a poppy Toto.
What you did fits perfectly with the backing track,so there is nothing I can hear that needs fixing.
Good work man. 8)
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Nice work Leo, very much sounding like one of yours! Catchy melody, nice surprises in there, all topped off by your commercial pop star voice and masterful harmonies.
Great!
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Sounds like a Leo song to me too!
Lots to like with the rhythm and chords and melody all in synch together. Topped with your honey vocals and great backing Vox.
Only thought was that perhaps the vocals could be a bit more up in the mix, especially the verses.
Classy and catchy - could hear it on radio ( although probably more R2 than R1 )
:)
Neil
and @nooms (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=11264) mentioning you and Toto together :-) gonna see the AOR behomoths in June!
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@nooms (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=11264) @MartynRich (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20533) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Thanks very much guys! I’m glad you like it! Cheers Neil, I think you’re right about the vocal levels, I’ll fix them ASAP.😄🎶👍🏻🎶
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Fab vocals...but didn't really do it for me,to be honest.
I really wanted to follow the lyrics... as I had no idea what on earth it was about after my first listen...but I couldn't see them on soundcloud on my mobile....so I'm still in the dark.
I hate being negative...particularly as you're such a talented chap...but even though it's probably a very worthwhile exercise, and you've done remarkably well with the tracks you were given... I don't know whether it's just that it doesn't seem like it's really you or whatever...or because I couldn't get a handle on the lyrics... but something about it didn't feel right to me... sorry!
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@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) don't worry mate! Its all good. Id much rather you were honest. 😁👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
My Bad about the lyrics...I'll post them as I usually do. I realise the chorus lyric is a little "quick fire" I places.
Thanks for listening man.😁🎶👊🏻🎶
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Radio ready song!..excellent vocals man..just excellent.. :)
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Really like this one - sounds like a true story, though for sure leaves us asking how it all came to pass.
It sounds to me like the verse finishes on a similar high note to where the chorus starts, leaving you nowhere to go for the chorus to “lift”.
But that’s my one small nit really, and it may be just that’s how the progression was that they sent you, so not down to you. Nice job!
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Excellent song Leo ;D
Instantly engaging, especially the lyrics/vocals. I want to know more..
'Boys in camouflage'...do tell ;D ;D
I'd be really interested to hear what sort of feedback you get from this course.
Top stuff, as usual mate....loved it
Take care ;D
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I like the guitar.
Technically flawless as far as I can tell.
Commercial sounding, even I like it. Lol.
I like the sentiment of the song but I kept wondering what were those white boys in camouflage actually doing in Africa, I mean apart from having the time of their lives.
Good job.
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Hi
Interesting lyric - something different from the normal topics.
Good pop vocal - carries the song well. You hit some great notes.
It does sound commercial indeed. Perhaps not on Kerrang radio. :D
Digger
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Hi you have a great recording voice and some interesting melodic ideas that sound like they would go down well with an American County Pop radio station. I can't make any comments on the lyrics because to be honest I have no idea about the background story but I think people would quite happily listen to this on the radio without feeling the need to analyse the words as the melodies are very emotive.
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Polished and reasonably modern/currrent to my ears. There's more than a hint of Gary's Barlow in the vocal too. I could imagine him writing a song such as this; at least in it's melodic direction. Radio friendly from start to finish. What did your online tutor say about this ? wonder could he/she write something of this very high calibre?
Well done my friend!
Paul
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Superb song. Very catchy. If I may be bold I have one suggestion for (possible improvement)
Beef up the guitar in the chorus. Perhaps switch to electric and throw some power chords in there. Cheers Micky.
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Great song Leo.
Excellent vocals and some great singing and cool production.
Reminds me of Seal, but with a modern touch.
What's not to enjoy.
Sandeep
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Yup, definitely got that brilliant Leo vibe :) Sounds like the backing track and the vocal melody were built together, so well done. It's not always that easy to do...I've tried ::)
Fantastic vocals as always and I love the underlying BV's near the end :-*
The lyrical concept is compelling. Not sure if this is your own experience, but it would interesting to know more about it 8)
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Fascinating lyrics - are the real/ based on reality @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) ? Melody and vocals up to your usual off-the-scale levels. Just amazing. What a great course to produce songs of this quality - how was this song received / marked on the course? It's top quality so I'm hoping that the feedback on the course was effusively positive! Great great job, Leo!
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) @crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) @Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528) @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) @Sonny And The Dark (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22335) @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) @digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) @Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620)
Thank you very much everyone. 😄🎶👊🏻🎶The course went well and the teachers liked the stuff I came up with. However, I am still far from my dream and I still have a tonne to learn and although I’m grateful for the comments about “radio” I know that my mixing and mastering REALLY needs work to even have a chance. (Hahaha and yes, def not radio one or Kerrang!!😆)
As for this particular song....yep it’s a true story about me....a vague story for sure, but true all the same. 😊 I think it’s that word “camouflage” that’s throwing people, but I didn’t mean literal camouflage. I was a missionary many years ago throughout Natal and Swaziland. This song is a thank you to everyone I met out there. I learnt waaaay more than I taught.😊👍🏻
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Really commercial (in a good way) such a great tune and it's refreshing to hear a song about not the usual topics.
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It's all been said but just wanted to show my thumbs in the upward position and congratulate you on this stellar work ;D
Great job Leo - why isn't this on the freakin' radio? ;D ;D
Paul
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Hello,
You have a beautiful voice, and you sing very well. I find the melody pretty well successful. The mix is not bad. Echo effects are well done for exemple.
It's a great job!
IS
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Very nicely put together, and performed really well. Kind of made me think of Toto, with the slight 80s touches.
Not sure Toto actually ever went to Africa though :)
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Hi,
This is an absolutely excellent, professional sounding and chart friendly track. Your vocals are stellar, the melody is beautiful and the lyrics are intelligent and cliche free. The standard on here is crazy now. It's pretty well perfect. 10 out of 10 from the South Devon jury.
M