[mikek]

i have moved this to completed songs.  thanks for all the feedback

this is a song i wrote this past Fall during this height of the last US presidential election cycle mess.
i plan to re-record the song.  i need to re-position my vocal microphone because i made a few pops that i can't live with.  also the performance on the whole thing could be tighter, and i should probably do this with a click-track, which will make it easier for me to go back and add some percussion and do the bass part properly. (bass is difficult for me to do right)

i'm interested in hearing any feedback, but especially that dealing with thoughts on production.. whether to do a full blown rock and roll thing or stick with a more organic singer/songwriter type approach.  i'm leaning towards the latter despite the obviousness of rocking it out.

edited for redo bass line... edited again for EQ tweak
https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox/damned-or-damaged1



we say we want freedom
as we put more shackles on
we say we want peace not war
as we lay the army whore
the usefull things that we dont need
like all the books we'll never read
we win the fight but still concede
we're so damned if we dont
and damaged if we do

We say we want true love
And then we lock our door
We say we gonna rise above
As we're wallerin on the floor
Everybody must hate fun
We’re lying down when we could run
We’re making love and buying guns
We’re so damned if we dont
And damaged if we do

I'm tired, but i can’t sleep
Hungry, can’t eat
I’m wired, aren't we all wired, to wail and weep

We say we gonna feed the poor
But then we kick em down
We say everyones all the same
Well maybe cept for black and brown
The simple things we complicate
All god's children filled with hate
In his name we desicrate
we're so damned if we do
and damaged if we don't.

[ScottLevi]

Hey Mikek,

Fantastic lyric, I always love a well-done lyric which is inspired by current events, but keeps away from specifics to maintain timelessness - and I'm sure this will be relevant for a long time to come.

Great structure too, looks like a difficult one to keept writing with once you've got yourself locked in, but all three verses are as storng as eachother.

I enjoy the switch on do/don't on the last verse too to help close things off.

I haven't listened to any of your previous, but had a peek at your open mic which is interesting so am excited to hear this...

Concerning what you're looking for feedback wise, I really like it as it is so wouldn't advise going too "rocky", but think some simple percussion and a nice bassline would go down well.

The way you execute the last two lines of each verse is interesting and takes the whole song up a level for me compared to if you just conintued the normal rhythem.

Really exciting stuff to be honest, I hope you're planning on posting your re-worked version if you do revisit.

All the best,
Scott.

[Wicked Deeds]

Hi Mikkek,

This is instantly catchy.  I don’t think that you are influenced by Billy Brag  but that’s what I am hearing here.  It’s a lovely song.  I wouldn’t go overboard with the production. - guitar, bass and drum kit, including vocal are all that is needed - singer songwriter route please. :-)  I really enjoyed this song!

Paul

[mikek]

Scott, Paul, thanks for the encouragement!  I'm really glad you like the song.  I think it's one of my better ones.  Glad you are into the simple production idea, i really like it like this.  thanks again.

[mikek]

i re-recorded the bass track and i'm much happier with it now.  may still reboot the whole thing, not sure.

[hardtwistmusic]

I'll second that "fantastic lyric" comment.  Really meaningful, and very expressive.  

Without knowing how the melody is planned, I can't see this for certain, but it appears that there are numerous places where this would benefit by losing some (easily lost) syllables.  

Went and listened after reviewing the lyric.  There are no unnecessary syllables.  I love the song, the lyric, the musical accompaniment, and the vocal. 

Very good.

[mikek]

Thanks Verlon, I can easily understand why at first glance it might seem the words could drop some sylibals. It's wordy for sure and challenging for me to sing. Glad you were able to listen and like it. Thank you.

[lillypilly]

I definitely would not add any more instruments to this song

Simplicity can make a stronger voice that loaded up songs

really like this

[mikek]

lillypilly, what about some light percussion?  a cahon or a 2 toms beaten with a soft mallet, and maybe a tambourine, for example.

i have moved this to completed songs.  thanks for all the feedback