[tone]

It's been a while... I've not been very active on the reviews forum for quite some time, in part because I've been spending a lot of time concentrating on my own songs, and in part because I've been damn busy with work.

But to all those who keep the reviews forum going, (you know who you are) thank you. You're all legends.

Right, I've been writing at an unprecedented rate this year, so this is one of my new songs. I'm looking forward to sharing some more with you as and when I get around to recording them.

I've finally sussed out the whole youtube deal, so here's the link

The furnace

You took your place beyond the veil
that day my heart was laid out on a bed of nails
and I buried a bloody prayer for you
now I wait for the truth

Dust moves to dust
skin to paint
oil for blood
the breath of the furnace blew cold rage to flame
pride to ash
fear to reign over me

Last time I saw you I was cold
I came unprepared to meet the mask you wore
and my eyes weighed in my head like stones
I looked down and you were gone

Dust moves to dust
skin to paint
oil for blood
the breath of the furnace blew cold rage to flame
pride to ash
fear to reign over me

Now I'm hidden from the sun
the rains fell and bathed me in the darkness I've become
the light drained and showed me the shadows as they ran through the door

[Kafla]

Tone - I really , really like this

The chorus Dust moves to Dust is outstanding , the piano part that accompanies this part is exceptional and such a great change from the verse

The outro also is brilliant - Now I am hidden from the sun - is also excellent and is a nice little change in the song

Lyrically its outstanding - but because its outstanding I am going to be really picky about a few lines:

For me you have worked so hard on the lyrics and most of it is so well written that its mind blowing - but then lines like - last time I saw you I was cold, my heart was laid out on a bed of nails - seem so clichéd. Maybe its just me but I am being really hard on you as the rest of the lyrics are so unbelievable 

Dust moves to dust
skin to paint
oil for blood
the breath of the furnace blew cold rage to flame
pride to ash
fear to reign over me

Now I'm hidden from the sun
the rains fell and bathed me in the darkness I've become
the light drained and showed me the shadows as they ran through the door - These lines in particular are really spectacular

Great song mate - I really like this a lot

[misswhiterabbit]

This is incredible! It evokes such atmosphere, I love the lyrics and the way your voice carries them. Very visual. Usually I listen to the music on the forum while doing a million other things, but this really just made me stop and listen. Beautiful.

[digger72]

Hi Tone,

Love the darkness of the song, presented in such a light way. Good piano playing. Good vocals. I get what Kafla's saying about cliche, but to be honest, I think a lot of songs have a little cliche in them somewhere which makes them appealing to the masses. We tend to listen out for those sounds or phrases we recognize.

Good song.

Digger

[Dutchbeat]

at the risk of being too positive again...

lyrics are perfect!

and the chords and melody chilling to me

beautiful!!! I love it

hope i am allowed to have this opinion  

[jmacdon]

Hi Tone - I absolutely adore demo tracks written with only the piano and vocal - as this allows the composer to convey the real emotion behind a song.  Your performance and emotion is spot on and this song is definitely one that grows on you the more you listen.   I also picked-up a little bit of Bowie in the chorus (a combination of the vocal and the key changes).   

Now for the criticism, I'm really not comfortable with a couple of verses in the chorus "oil for blood : the breath of the furnace blew cold rage to flame".    The oil for blood leaves me cold and spoils what should be a real emotional chorus, and the breath of the furnace is too long - your vocals seem to skip over the words too quickly to fit them in.   So, just a couple of wording tweaks and you will have a stunner of a song here.

[chrislong170273]

Hi tone

i really like this too. One of the most expressive performances i've heard on here up to now. Can I hear a bit of Muse here?

I'm thinking along the lines of jmacdon. I prefer a chink of light in the lyrics. I think the song continues to bombard with dark image after dark image. Yes, I think they are beautiful images, but I always try and give the listener a reason to continue listening, not necessarily a happy ending but something that gives relief to heavy imagery (I think this is the opposite to the song I posted that you commented on with a similar comment!!)

Muscally I like the chord progression. Structurally, the point at which I want to hear something else is before the last chorus, leaves me wondereing whether or not a chorus is necessary to finish? As the melody is a little unconventional, could this benefit from a suprising and unconventional ending? Dare I say it, a key change?, not to repeat a chorus, but to present a closing image of some sort ro play the song out? I dunno, just an idea

I like the falsetto in the melody line, but also think the words are being crammed in in the chorus. This sometimes can work well with words that demand less attention, but with such imagery as "The breath of the furnace..." I think it hinders the lyric.

anyway, some of this is just personal opinion (!!!)

[tone]

Thanks for the encouraging feedback, folks - much appreciated I'll fill you in on my own thoughts about some of your comments:

lines like - last time I saw you I was cold, my heart was laid out on a bed of nails - seem so clichéd.

It's a fair point Kafla - for me the bed of nails line is more disposable than the I was cold line. The song is about my dad's funeral, and the day before when I saw him in the chapel of rest. The lyric is really quite true to events as they felt on both days - it was early November, and I was cold physically and emotionally. When I saw him lying there, I was unable to feel anything. In terms of the song, that lyric conveys a lot of honesty for me. I think bed of nails is mostly there for the rhyme, although I did think it was quite a nice image... Something to think about certainly.

Dutchbeat - you may have whatever opinion you wish

Now for the criticism, I'm really not comfortable with a couple of verses in the chorus "oil for blood : the breath of the furnace blew cold rage to flame".    The oil for blood leaves me cold and spoils what should be a real emotional chorus, and the breath of the furnace is too long - your vocals seem to skip over the words too quickly to fit them in.

A bit surprised this has been picked up because I never found it difficult to sing - usually a good test of these things. Oil for blood is a reference to the physical preservation of the body prior to the funeral. It was nearly 3 weeks since my dad passed before the funeral as we had to arrange my brother's journey back from the USA. I don't know what they did to preserve him, but that was my guess... As for the breath of the furnace, I'm loath to change it because (lyrically) it's the cornerstone of the song. They furnace being the crematorium (or the equipment used in cremation). Maybe there's another way I can carry this without it being so wordy though - I'll give it some thought.

I prefer a chink of light in the lyrics

Good point. So do I (usually), and you've really got me thinking about this one. Even though I'm happy enough with the harmony and melody, perhaps there's room for a little more in terms of content. I often tend to create light and shade with chords & melodies rather than lyrics, but maybe I'm missing a trick here.

Structurally, the point at which I want to hear something else is before the last chorus, leaves me wondereing whether or not a chorus is necessary to finish? As the melody is a little unconventional, could this benefit from a suprising and unconventional ending? Dare I say it, a key change?, not to repeat a chorus, but to present a closing image of some sort ro play the song out?

Another good point. If I'm honest, I sang the chorus for a 3rd time because I didn't really know how to wind the song up from the end of the mid-section (or verse 3 depending on how you see it). I've also noticed I've become a bit formulaic in my writing, with most of my songs being verse, chorus, verse, chorus, mid section/ instr, chorus or similar. So it's partly habit for me. I've used a key change in the other song I wrote about my dad in exactly the place you're suggesting, funnily enough. This song is definitely flexible enough to take all your feedback on board. I'd only ever played it on the guitar until yesterday, so I'll probably stumble across some ideas as I play around with it.

Here's to the next version (I hope) Thanks again for all your lovely and helpful comments

[Kafla]

That all make sense Tone, actually enhances the song for me - makes it even more beautiful

I wouldn't change anything knowing that and thank you for sharing this song

Your Dad would be very proud of you 

[tone]

That all make sense Tone, actually enhances the song for me - makes it even more beautiful

I wouldn't change anything knowing that and thank you for sharing this song

Your Dad would be very proud of you 

Thanks mate,

I'm still working on making the chorus lyric a little shorter as this thread has been enough to convince me that it's in need of tweaking.

Thanks again to everyone for your detailed feedback

[jim morrison]

Yep, like this tone ,really good composition, just needs a video to go with it now 

[Jennibean]

I think today must be the day for some real decent stuff! Wow I like it a lot! Thanks for your forum. Jennibean.