I like your subject matter. Trouble is, those who might benefit the most won't realize it's about them.
"I watch you follow the spotlight around.
Jumping out of the shadows
trying to bask in the glory of someone else's crown."
Good images...makes me see someone who always has to "one-up" the other guy. If I win a prize, s/he won a bigger one, etc.
"Your whole world is you , you only see others in the reflections of a mirror." Another good image! S/he focuses on self and only sees others around the edges.
"But your shallow depths could barely touch a Turner sky."
I don't know what a "Turner sky" is, and it feels a little weak to me. I think something like "But your depth proved to be shallow as a Turner sky." Except with a better rhythm. Although, your rhythms throughout are inconsistent so it may not be an issue.
Your rhyme scheme is inconsistent. Verse 1 scheme is AABXB. Verse 2 is XXAXA. ("X" means it doesn't rhyme with anything.) If you could get the first two lines to rhyme with each other, you would be consistent.
I like the way you make "limit" and "image" rhymes to each other. Perfect for a song with an unstable theme, like this one.
Lines 1, 2 and 5 in each of the two verses seem to have six strong beats each, but the weak beats are all over the place. With the right setting, this may not be an issue but is something to keep in mind.
Lines 3 and 4 are a little more inconsistent.
Line 3, Verse 1, then Verse 2, followed by beat patterns:
I watch you follow the spotlight around. ( - / - / -- / -- / )
Invested in you despite all the concerns. ( - / -- / - / --- / )
They both have four strong beats, so that could work.
Line 4, Verse 1, then Verse 2, followed by beat patterns:
Jumping out of the shadows ( / - / -- / - )
Now I've reached the point where i have to break ( / - / - / -- / - / )
These two lines are a lot different from each other with a difference of two strong beats and a difference of 7 vs 10 beats total. That doesn't mean you can't make it work, but it'll be harder to do.
All this feedback is based on the way I approach writing music. I've seen many songs that seem as inconsistent or more that work just fine when the songwriter is done with the whole thing. I would look at verse 2, though, and see if you can make those first two lines rhyme with each other.
If anything here is helpful, I am glad. If not, of course, just disregard it.
Vicki
