[CaliaMoko]

Last summer I posted this song, but I've never been happy with it. I wrote it in a rush, by request, for the local Relay For Life event. This week I decided I would go back and see what I could do to make it better. My first attempts were just small changes, which really didn't work, so I ended up giving it an extreme makeover.

The original--so you can compare--is here: http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=11427. And here's my reworked words (below). I'm interested in any ideas for improvements on the lyric. The melody is all new, as well, and it's finished, so I'm not looking for lyric changes that would alter the rhythms or length of lines or verses. But anything you notice within lines that doesn't sit right, please remark. I'll post that as soon as I can get it recorded.

I don't think I say this enough--please be ruthless. Everyone on the forum is typically so nice, that I am never certain if people are being too nice or if my stuff is better than I think it is. So please don't hold back. Tell me what doesn't sound right and try to give me some idea how I might go about fixing it.

***EDITED***

Final Version first, following by the original with markup.

CANDLES LIGHT THE WAY

Little dots of light. Sparkling in the night.
We are guided by such tiny flames
As they illuminate those treasured names
We walk around the track
and read the mem'ries there
And after ev'ry lap
we say a little prayer.
Candles light the way.

Candles light the way. Candles light the way.
We begin, hearts full of sorrow
Through the night, toward tomorrow
We let our mem'ries flow
Together, walk as one
Our hearts begin to glow
Before the night is done
Candles light the way.

We stand and lift our faces to the sky
To feel the breeze as it goes drifting by
We walk among the candles and we smile as they shine
And let the mem'ries float across our minds.

Candles light the way. Candles light the way.
We are guided by such tiny flames
As they illuminate those treasured names
We let our mem'ries flow
Together, walk as one
Our hearts begin to glow
Before the night is done
Candles light the way.

***Original Version with Markup***

CANDLES LIGHT THE WAY

VERSE 1
Candles light the way. Candles light the way.
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.
Little dots of light, sparkling in the night
We are guided by those such tiny flames
As they illuminate the precious those treasured names
We walk around the track
and read the mem'ries there
And after ev'ry lap
we say a little prayer.
Candles light the way.

VERSE 2
Candles light the way. Candles light the way.
We step forth with heavy hearts of clay
And as the flick'ring candles light the way
We begin, hearts full of sorrow
Through the night, toward tomorrow
We let our mem'ries flow
And walk in leagueTogether, walk as one
We feel a lightness growOur hearts begin to glow
Before the night is done
Candles light the way.

BRIDGE
And as we walk we look up We stand and lift our faces to the sky
AndTo feel the breeze as it goes drifting by
We walk among the candles and the love light we smile as they shine
And let the mem'ries float across our minds.

VERSE 3
Candles light the way. Candles light the way.
We are guided by those such tiny flames
As they illuminate the precious those treasured names
We let our mem'ries flow
And walk in leagueTogether, walk as one
We feel a lightness growOur hearts begin to glow
Before the night is done
Candles light the way.

© 2017 Vicki Morrison

[adamfarr]

Hi Vicky
I remember being impressed by the original but you're the boss! 4 things stuck out for me:

- luminate? I think what we say is "illuminate" - does this change the scanning too much?
- precious names - I didn't really like how that sounds. What about treasured? Cherished?
- in league as one - "in league" has a negative connotation for me - I think it wants to be "united" but that adds a syllable - allied?
- we feel a lightness grow - I think this mixes up luminosity and weight in a confusing way. Brilliance? Inspiration?

Just some thoughts as always...

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks, Adam. I appreciate your thoughtful responses so much!

Actually, this version is so different from the original, I can probably keep both of them and just consider this a new song, inspired by the first one.

"Luminate: v. 1620s (now obsolete), from Latin luminatus, past participle of luminare (see luminary ). Related: Luminated ; luminating." I know it's obsolete, but I was hoping I could get away with it, because of the timing.

Precious names: Thanks for the ideas! I was having such a hard time with this phrase, when I finally came up with "precious names" I was so excited I figured that was IT! I'm going to spend a little more time on it, now that I know there are more options. Nice one! Thanks!

In league as one: That is in the original, word for word, and I really like the idea of changing it for this version, so I'm going to revisit that phrase, as well. Sometimes it takes another brain to break me loose from what I've already imagined.

We feel a lightness grow: I'm trying to give the impression of heavy hearts being uplifted here. I get your point, so I'll spend some time thinking about this one, too. Maybe approaching from another angle will work better. It would also make it more distinct from the original.

Thanks a bunch, Adam! That was all so constructive and helpful. I appreciate it a lot.

Vicki

[Paulski]

Hi Vicki

Hook/theme is good IMO - worth pursuing
+1 on Adams comments - he has pointed out some of the words I stumbled a bit on.
I would add a sugg of my own - feel free to ignore:

I think the hook is brought in too early and isn't set up well when it arrives.
I would remove it from the first two lines of the verses (esp the 1st verse) and maybe set it up in the line that precedes it - sth like:

and read the mem'ries there
When darkness dims our path
We haven't any fear
'Cause candles light the way.

probably not the best solution but you get the idea..

And that hook is so good - it could support a chorus on its own I reckon.
Best
Paul

[CaliaMoko]

Back to Adam...the more I go through this, the more I agree with your assessments. And Paulski, too.

So I've been looking at it and have come up with some ideas. I especially was concerned about starting the whole thing with the hook but had trouble coming up with an alternative until I realized I could simply start with ooo's.

I've edited the first post to show changes I've made to the words after carefully considering the feedback. I still don't feel 100% about the whole thing, but it certainly better (in my opinion, anyway). Thanks so much, and see if you think it's improved at all. 

Thanks!

[PaulAds]

Aw...this is really good, Vicki...i kind-of remember the earlier version

i've just downed a bottle of red, so...

the "hearts of clay" line could possibly be replaced with "feet of clay" ? meaning we're all flawed

"we struggle on/stumble on with feet of clay" or something...depends how positive (or otherwise) the message is

and instead of "walk in league as one" maybe have "our dreams melt into one" bit simplistic and corny, though...

not much help, perhaps...but i like it and i wanted to chip in 

good luck! it's a lovely thought - we have something similar 'round here..."race for life" i think it's called...a women-only cancer charity event...

paul x

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks, Paul!

I admit I'm not 100% satisfied with the whole "We step forth with heavy hearts of clay" line, but I'm trying to say we're feeling burdened, weighted down, with sadness. I expect there's a better way of saying that, but it might mean losing the "clay - way" rhyme, so I might have to rework those two lines completely.

For the other one, "Our dreams melt into one" certainly sounds better than what I have, but doesn't quite seem to mean what I'm after...I'm not sure. Right now I'm trying "Together, walk as one", but that is not as ethereal and pretty as your suggestion. More thought yet, I need.

I've been helping with our Relay For Life event for more than ten years. I think it was about 12 or 13 years ago when we had the first one. The first one was the best. That one was carried out the way the American Cancer Society envisioned, and it was very meaningful and moving for me. It's supposed to be an all-nighter, but too many people complained about staying up all night. The whole idea is that cancer patients never get a night off, and we were staying up for just one night to express our solidarity and support. I guess the locals just aren't into that kind of symbolism. So I don't participate as a team member any more, but I support it by buying luminaries and by helping with entertainment.

It isn't a women only event. There is another event called the "Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure", though, which raises money for breast cancer specifically. There is no Komen event anywhere near me, however, so I only get involved in that if someone I know is walking (like in the Minneapolis/St Paul area, maybe) and hits me up for a donation. The American Cancer Society's Relay For Life is for cancer in general.

Vicki

[CaliaMoko]

I'll continue working on the lyric, but I'm also getting into the melody of it now, so I'm moving over to "Works in Progress": http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=12421.0. Follow me there, if you like. Comments on the lyric are still welcome here, as well, if anyone has any more.

Vicki

[adamfarr]

I'd definitely have to say this looks better and I like the changes you've made. Next stop WIP!

[CaliaMoko]

I'm going to get this whole thing recorded and posted before the end of the month (there, I've said it, so now I have to do it or lose face), but I'm hoping to do just a couple more refinements to the words. Here's an update to the bridge (or whatever it turns out to be):

BRIDGE
And as we walk we look up We walk and lift our faces to the sky
And feel the breeze as it goes drifting by
We walk amongpass between the candles and the love light we smile as they shine
And let the mem'ries float across our minds.

The "looking up" and "love light" phrases didn't really mean anything; I pretty much just stuck them in there for ambiance and to fill space. And the "pass between the candles" is because I have too many "walk ands" otherwise. I'm hoping this sounds better...opinions welcome, of course.

Another spot is still bothering me--the verse about the hearts of clay. Specifically these two lines:
We step forth with heavy hearts of clay
And as the flick'ring candles light the way

I'm trying to say we start out feeling weighed down with cares. The rest of the verse, I hope, already gives the impression that we lift each other up with our mutual support. I'll use the lines I have if I can't think of anything better, but I hope someone has some ideas...or maybe I'll wake up in the morning with a bright idea.

[CaliaMoko]

I've done what I think is the last edit to the lyric. All the edits have been inserted into the first post and, to make it easier to read, I've also included the final version of the lyric by itself.

It's been awhile since I put this much effort into a lyric, so I think I'll enter it in the Lyric of the Month. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Took me the longest time to find a vocal melody that fit this well.   Didn't really want to comment until I had found a way to sing it.  Couldn't get a sense of it in my head until I could sing it. 

When I finally did, the lyric really came alive in my head.   

It's beautiful.  One of your best.  And I like the changes.

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks, Verlon; I'm honored! I hope to get my melody posted today. I'd love to hear your version, as well, if you should ever decide to record and share it.

And to all the commenters throughout my development process--thank you so much! I am so happy with the outcome. Well, except, I still would like to find a good substitute for the word "dots" in the first line. I thought of "sparks", but I have "sparkling" too soon after. Maybe "bits"? "Spots"? "Specks"? "Spots"? "Drops?" Hmmm, maybe drops.... or "flecks"?

Anyway, I might get a first "take" of this today. I hope.

[Paulski]

I still would like to find a good substitute for the word "dots" in the first line. I thought of "sparks", but I have "sparkling" too soon after. Maybe "bits"? "Spots"? "Specks"? "Spots"? "Drops?" Hmmm, maybe drops.... or "flecks"?

Little licks of light  - does a flame lick?

[CaliaMoko]

"Licks" is an idea. Maybe even "flames" might work.

Thanks. I'll try it and see how it sounds when sung.