[crystalsuzy]

Hi guys, Here's one the I've been working on   It's still a rough track and I know the vocals probably need redoing, but I'm wondering if it needs more production, like bass drums etc?
Does it keep your attention till the end, without it having much of a build?
Any input, welcome  

https://soundcloud.com/crystalsuzy/broken-stranger

Years of stale smoke still linger here
As I watch the stranger sip his beer
But I mustn’t let his eyes meet mine
But I mustn’t look, I mustn’t see inside
Of this stranger, in the bar

In mismatched clothes from the fifties
Or the eighties, or maybe the sixties
From some other world, or caught between
Or maybe he’s lost, in a borrowed dream
But they all laugh at this broken stranger

I don’t want to see inside of him
I don’t want to feel his loneliness
But the beating of my heart is sad and clear
As if beating just for him, for him to hear
Then I’m caught upon his wavelength, and I’m stoned

Like wild fire, he dances alone
With strange gyrations all of his own
And their drunken whispers fill the air
But he doesn’t, seem to care
But he makes me cry cause I’ve seen inside, of him
Ya he makes cry, cause I’ve seen inside, of him

He walks towards me, through jeering crowd
And his wild eyes, meet mine some how
Then he fills his pockets, with all I have to give
And he wants to love me, and me love him
Now this stranger’s touched my heart

Then he pins a golden rose upon my breast
And he fumbles to words, “I don’t look my best”
“But I’ll clean up, if you say your mine
And I’ll love you forever, and that’s hard to find”
Now I just can’t hurt this broken stranger

Oh why do all the strange ones come to me?
Does compassion have a sent that they can see
Or is the beating of my heart too sad and clear?
Is it beating just for him, for him to hear?
But he’s caught upon my wavelength, and he’s stoned
Ya, we’re caught upon a wavelength, and we’re stoned
He’s just another broken stranger, in the bar
Ya, just another broken stranger, in the bar

[PTCruiser1801]

Suzy,

The lyrics alone before even listening to the song had me enthralled right to the end...and that's no exaggeration! Excellent story telling indeed...you've really painted a very vivid picture through your words. Well done!!

The song itself kept me interested all the way through but I feel it would be improved upon further with the inclusion of some more light accompaniment to build towards the end, just as the story builds.

Great work though!

Paul

[tboswell]

Not what I expected from you at all Suzy and wonderful surprise. What a lovely delicate story, told with real flair. Full of stolen intimate details, the characters revealing themselves through actions and words NOT us being told how they feel.

Thought it was thoroughly beautiful. Makes me think of Leonard Cohen trying to write Tom Waits "I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You".

The spare arrangement suits it very well and it would be hard to add more to it without taking away from the story.

Awesome stuff, thanks for throwing it out there

Tom.

[LostBoy]

Hello Suzy,

In short, I loved it! 

Like it's been said,great story telling and imho you don't need any other instruments,what you've done is made the additional vocal layers and harmonies the extra instruments that you are thinking of putting in.(God,that was a bloody long sentence! I call myself a writer!!:D )
You have sung this really well and if you do decide to redo the vocal I honestly think the only lines that need tightening up a bit are the "Then I'm caught up on his wavelength and I'm stoned" & the "whispers" echoed part.Not a difficult task for your talent.

I'm really impressed.Great work
Leo 

[adamfarr]

Fantastic writing here! Really original images but somehow familiar and relateable. The wavelength and stoned lines are very memorable. I really like this version. I don't think I would add anything to it...

[MartynRich]

Wow. What a song. Style reminds a little of Simon & Garfunkel in how you have put the melody together...really good, nothing to add to whats been said above. I love the discordant rhythms of the overlaid harmonies...fantastic work.

[Skub]

A captivating performance encapsulating the loneliness of individuals in a crowd,where everyone looks to be having fun,yet it's sometimes just a veneer.

There are lots of things you could do with the song production wise,but it works as it is,so maybe that's where it should be.

Much enjoyed crystalsuzy.

[CaliaMoko]

Hi CrystalSuzy,

I tried to listen as if it was something of mine, in order to be more critical. It's hard to criticize your work because it's so beautiful.

So...if I had done this, I would notice:

1. the breath intakes
2. the lost endings on words (some might be hard to understand if I didn't have the lyrics to tell me what they are). For instance, the word "breast". All I can hear is "bre-". There are several other instances.
3. The out-of-sync harmonies.

That being said, I pretty much agree with those who wrote before me. The music is beautiful. The vocals are lovely. The message is haunting and the musical treatment suits it well. If you do add to the arrangement, I suggest you don't get carried away.

Vicki

[pompeyjazz]

Well Suzie I must say that this song really wowed me. You (and others) have made me appreciate what a real song is all about.  Coooool.

John

[nooms]

strong lyric suzy
simple single vocal on the opening verse is really affecting and drew me in
builds subtly like the camera slowly drawers back as more vocal parts come in and the song reveals itself..beautiful suzy
the pace of the gtr aliken to early leonard..has a kind of hypnotic thing about it

[Paulski]

What a great song - great lyrics and melody.
Yeah the vocals could be pitch-corrected here and there but I'm not sure I'd do that or it might lose some poignancy (hey I spelled that right!). Reminded me of Cohen as well - a huge plus in my books.

Well done my fellow canuckski
Paul

[Frenchy]

Hi Suzy,

Concerning the production, you don't need to add more instrumentation, in fact I would remove some of the backing vocals in places in order to keep the focus on the story telling aspect of the song.
The lyrics are what I liked best in this song, 'I don't look my best, but I'll clean up ' womderful lines.
I have some problems with the structure, I find it sounds a little unbalanced, the 5 line verses could be doing that, the last line feels un resolved in my opinion.
i really enjoyed this, listened 3 times already, it is quite captivating and with a little bit more crafting here and there could be a real gem.

Regards,
Frenchy

[IronKnee]

Hi Crystalsuzy.........All I can tell you is that I have enjoyed this listen. The line, "Oh why do all the strange ones come to me?" is a real stand out. Love that lyrical ear worm.
The only thing that I could suggest is that you rerecord the whole piece in its entirety.......this time better.
It's a beautiful piece of sentiment........
                                                                      -Tom

[crystalsuzy]

Suzy,

The lyrics alone before even listening to the song had me enthralled right to the end...and that's no exaggeration! Excellent story telling indeed...you've really painted a very vivid picture through your words. Well done!!

The song itself kept me interested all the way through but I feel it would be improved upon further with the inclusion of some more light accompaniment to build towards the end, just as the story builds.

Great work though!

Paul

Thanks so much for your kind words Paul, especially regarding the lyrics  I'm so glad they kept your
attention...it's a true story, so I guess that helps

Not what I expected from you at all Suzy and wonderful surprise. What a lovely delicate story, told with real flair. Full of stolen intimate details, the characters revealing themselves through actions and words NOT us being told how they feel.

Thought it was thoroughly beautiful. Makes me think of Leonard Cohen trying to write Tom Waits "I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You".

The spare arrangement suits it very well and it would be hard to add more to it without taking away from the story.

Awesome stuff, thanks for throwing it out there

Tom.

Thanks, Tom Your compliments are much appreciated I guess I need to throw something down
to earth, out there once in a while Thanks for the Cohen reference

Hello Suzy,

In short, I loved it! 

Like it's been said,great story telling and imho you don't need any other instruments,what you've done is made the additional vocal layers and harmonies the extra instruments that you are thinking of putting in.(God,that was a bloody long sentence! I call myself a writer!!:D )
You have sung this really well and if you do decide to redo the vocal I honestly think the only lines that need tightening up a bit are the "Then I'm caught up on his wavelength and I'm stoned" & the "whispers" echoed part.Not a difficult task for your talent.

I'm really impressed.Great work
Leo 

thanks Leo, you're too kind I'm glad you liked the story, and thanks for the thumbs up on the
vocals  

[hardtwistmusic]

This made me think of my Momma who had a huge heart for lost puppies, abandoned kittens, and broken strangers.  Very emotional for me. 

I didn't cry, but I had to fight it a little.  That is the sign of a great lyric/song. 

Oh, and by the way, I too have too much identification with those same lost puppies, abandoned kittens and broken strangers.