[DaveDeMann]

Hi Folks

STOP PRESS.

Removing link as the revised version should be ready soon.

This song is finished in the sense that the lyrics and musical notes and structure will remain as is. it has yet to be 'studiofied'

This is an attempt to get the 'pop' riff right.

My concerns are, does the chorus hit you, is it remembered, is there information enough to satisfy the story arc, is it long enough. (I know the voice is off, and the recording has issues, but that's going to be resolved in the final production)

I'm hoping to get this published.

All comments welcome

[mickyplankton]

Hi Dave. This is a hit for me. To directly answer your questions. Yes the chorus works, and yes it's memorable. Lingers after the song finishes.

As for the lyrics, I think they are perfect as they are. the more I read them the more intriguing they are. It's probably a good thing that the listener doesn't know the exact details of the relationship of the lovers. It makes it more mysterious.

A great effort. Welcome to the forum.

[DaveDeMann]

Thankee Kindly

I just have to update the link to the song, back in a mo.

ETA.
Again, thanks Micky. Lingers is the word I am hoping for!

[DaveDeMann]

see above

[RealKevM]

Aye, a decent song alright. The bridge is pretty great (love the chord change) and yeah the chorus is catchy. Nice work.

[DaveDeMann]

Thanks Kev

Yeah, the bridge is my favourite part too

[Wicked Deeds]

This is an accomplished song.  It stands on it's own two feet as a vocal and guitar track.  I envisage it being so much more once it has been produced. You're a very good performer.  In response to your questions.  I don't think that the chorus is obvious but acknowledge that it will be a grower.  I'd go to work on "You're my Desire, to make this the chorus but then you may have to rewrite and say why.  Production can do so much to provide dynamics that really make a chorus stand out.  I would fully expect the production to do just that.  Lyrically - I'd provide more information to elaborate on the story so that we the listener clearly understand what is happening.  It's not really essential for a pop song but it would engage the listener further. Quality performance. I look forward to following the development of this song.

Paul

[cowparsleyman]

Yeah I agree a strong pop song, pop-y production will really bring it alive, I'm hearing a couple of female backing vox tracks (ooos, fire-yer type ting, not tracking the hook, but adding to the 'singalongability' of it etc), maybe a hooky middle section, with a change of character will bring out the reprise of the chorus hook.

Sounds like a sax solo would go well here, a Dave Sandborn type horn sound (maybe with ADT) ripping type thing, fluid, hooky and not too long,  possibly bring in brass near the end.

Maybe the words are a little busy, don't know if you know what I mean, but perhaps simplify the meter of the words, that might make the song more approachable? Just another point of view

Anyway hope you don't mind...

cpm

[DaveDeMann]

Thanks Paul, I'm the lyricist, my writing partner does the music/ singing, so I'll give him your compliment!  "You're my desire was the singer's riff, and I decided to include it in the lyrics. The Chorus We Gotta Quench This Fire is overshadowed a little by the bridge (pre-chorus), more so than You're my desire, which I see fading out the song. Deciding whether to add to their story - a little more on why it's a 'disgrace' ,but that might narrow the issue too much. Really it's a reference to any 'illicit' love affair. Thanks again.

Cpm, yup, the pace is a bit frantic, i see it slowing in production. My vision was a boy-band vocal harmony, but would work well with female vocals just as well. Yes, gonna be a few bells n whistles added, for sure. 
ETA. Might bring place/disgrace before the Chorus as a form of middle tween the pre-c and c. Many thanks

[kevysc]

This definitely has a lot of potential as a pop song .... I love the pre-chorus and the vocalist is great. I would consider taking some words out the each line in the chorus, as it sounds a little busy. (Maybe cut out the babies?)

Best of luck, Kevin

[DaveDeMann]

Kill my babies???

lol. Yeah, needs a tad tightening on the baby front for sure.

Thanks Kevin

[Skub]

Yo Double D and an M.

Well worth developing. Any song which stands alone will always work when expanded.

Good work.

[DaveDeMann]

Thanks Skub!

[adamfarr]

This is a great song - it has build, melody and a great hook. I think a successful pop song needs to say something universal in a catchy new way and I think this does. So desire and fire have been done a few times before, but I was (like) "relent", seriously? and then "repent", yeah, that's great! Would love to hear the radio-ready version but the song shines here too.

[DaveDeMann]

Many thanks Adam, much appreciated.