[jameba]

hello again
New to writing songs, this is a song I wrote about my dad who died when I was 13, he died of cancer and when he died he was still warm because cancer dies a few hours after, I included that to explain one of my lyrics. this is a song about cancer, I think I could try make the verses longer? and would love help on wording and layout thanks and hope u like it
Jamesba


verse.

Being woke as a little boy
ready to have my world destroyed
feeling the killer still alive inside
should of been him that lived
and that disease that died
an emotional terrorist to those alive

chorus.
im looking into your eyes and I cant see a thing
im touching you.. mmm I can t feel a thing
as I look at the parting blue sky I whisper you goodbye
as I look at the parting blue sky I watch you arrive

verse.

black car speeches and crying for hours
family, friends dropping flowers
wooden box now a bed for eternal rest
killed by the internal pest 

chorus.
im looking into your eyes and I cant see a thing
im touching you.. mmm I can t feel a thing
as I look at the parting blue sky I whisper you goodbye
as I look at the parting blue sky I watch you arrive

verse.

to those who are suffering ill tell you something
as low as you have been your never nothing - not to sure about these two 
we are going to kill it, its a matter of time
all that's left is the zodiac sign

chorus.
im looking into your eyes and I cant see a thing
im touching you.. mmm I can t feel a thing
as I look at the parting blue sky I whisper you goodbye
as I look at the parting blue sky I watch you arrive

[Jess]

Oh gosh there are almost genuine tears in my eyes because that's so moving! Seriously, there is a lot of emotion in there, really close to the heart stuff, must've been a pretty tough thing to write about. Again, some really clever lines in there, in fact the first verse especially is a little gold mine of phrases and the chorus is so strong and beautiful. I don't think you should make the verses longer as I think it's perfect as it is- instead I would focus on equalling out the length in verses (verse 1 is 5 lines, whereas verses 2 and 3 are only 4 lines?) my only point would be, look at the wording of the very first line, I think 'being awake as a little boy' is how it's worded, or 'being woken as a little boy,' depends what you're trying to say. Anyway, this piece is beautifully written and so moving, outstanding work

[Sing4me88]

The sincerity and emotion in this one is evident. Loving the term 'emotional terrorist' a very clever lay with those words.

Again I think it could be tweaked here or there but again I think that'll come to you with time.

[terrysains]

Stunningly touching, superb lines, "all that's left is the zodiac sign" WOW.
In desperate need of a great melody. I will look forward to crying to this in the future. Well done. Terry.

[BooBoo]

A very emtotional song you've written here! All I have to say is watch the length of the verses but also with the first verse I was a little confused. I think the first two lines were fine (love the rhyming Boy with Destroyed!).We're you trying to rhyme inside with lived? I don't think that flows very well. So I think you should also take a look at that.

Apart from that I thought this was good!

[lauriewood95]

Those are beautiful, deeply touching lyrics.

I thought the way the verses tell the story was very clever, however in the third verse in the lines:

"to those who are suffering ill tell you something
as low as you have been your never nothing"

it suddenly changes. I it would be more effective if you continue the song with relevance to your father during those two lines, to be followed with:

"we are going to kill it, its a matter of time
all that's left is the zodiac sign"

almost as a pledge.

I absolutely love the the lines:

"as I look at the parting blue sky I whisper you goodbye
as I look at the parting blue sky I watch you arrive"

but perhaps 'stare' rather than 'look', and perhaps cutting the first 'you', to have the same number of syllables in each line + I think it sounds better. So it would be:

"as I stare at the parting blue sky, I whisper goodbye
as I stare at the parting blue sky, I watch you arrive"

[aishasalman]

that's awesome lyrics

[jameba]

thankyou for all the comments will be looking at the verses and few ways of wording differently, thanks lauriewood95 i will be working on it for next few days and will be putting up my edited version, i like what you said about using stare instead of look.
Jamesba

[seriousfun]

I feel your grief,inthis song. It is a subject that everyone can relate to as we all experience this painfull loss at somestage in our life as a son,  a daughter, a husband, a wife, a friend or in the most painfull of circumstances, a parent. The song you are in the process of writing is so personal to you i would never offer a suggested change as in years to come this will become an important reinforcement of your loveand way to deal with your grief.

What you have written conveys your thoughts very well and i believe the process is far more consequential than the result.

I wish you well. With this lyric.

Allan.

[benjo]

hi jameba,

your first verse knocks this for a six
it just says it all very well thought out and written
I also liked the chorus, this is a very very hard subject for most people
to read about I myself have had dealings with this tragic killer
so it did get to me a bit,
well done to you take care...tony...

[jameba]

hi tony.

thanks for the comment, it was hard to write about it but the lyric seem to come to me through just how I feel about it, it need abit of adjusting but thanks for the nice comment means a lot and really glad people like it and can relate to it

James

[Thomas Frederick]

Absolutely brilliant; practically flawless in fact.
The lines are so clever, particularly the "emotional terrorist" and "zodiac sign" lines: very powerful.

For such an emotive piece I'd personally assume less is more as you'd want to get the point across in less words while still punching the listener/reader in the stomach, so I'd try to cut out a few excessive words here and there.

Other than that one little detail, I think this is AMAZING.

[jameba]

thankyou I paintrainbows really appreciate your comment, am in process of trimming few word out here and there, but thanks again for your nice feedback
james