The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: jacksimmons on October 19, 2016, 11:18:13 PM
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I'm working on a concept album about a little girl who is hit by a car, goes in to a coma and awakes many years later to find that Earth has been assimilated into a galactic supercovenant of alien worlds - sort of like Halo but more camp. This is the song where the girl, Casey, discovers that Sussex is not how she left it...
This was written by me but is sung by my sister, who plays the lead character and a couple of the other female characters in the story. As it stands, this is still a rough mix but all the basic components are there.
Any feedback is greatly, greatly appreciated. I'm still quite new to the production side of things. Thanks in advance!
https://soundcloud.com/jack-simmons-1/weird-wacky-world-bounce-1
Lyrics:
To wake up in a weird and wacky world
Where all the streets are dead
Messes with your head, Oh, I don’t know
Where to go or what to do with myself!
And everything is flat in the distance
Where once a city was, is just the fuzz of smoke
The trees are red and blue and the sky a tattered green
This is not the world I left behind
I’m scared
In this world of new horizons
There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own
I’m scared
‘cause there’s nothing left for me
To wake up in a weird and wacky world
With both your parents gone
And creatures all around you never knew
In the world before, makes a little girl uneased
I’m begging for a friend please!
I’m scared
In this world of new horizons
There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own
I’m scared
‘cause there’s nothing left for me
Scared! Scared!
‘cause there’s nothing left for me
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Your sister is a good singer.
The lyrics come across very well as a musical, if that's the feel you were going for.
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I thought this was fabulous jack ...you have a lot of talent ...i was getting hints of kate bush & queen as I listened both of whom are very theatrical like your ideas for this story..
your sister has a perfect voice for this & it all sounds very well recorded..
the only thing I think could be better is the chorus where I think better harmonies would realy improve it ...the backing vocals didnt work as well as they could
very tasteful guitar parts aswell ..it sounded like it belonged in a west end musical & was very impressive :)
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I like this lot and I have one suggestion for improvement in presentation:
In the line "There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own", the second "nothing" is pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable which, in my opinion, weakens the thought. It would be easy to make the small change to move the emphasis to the first syllable and make it NOthing and strengthen the line.
In any case, this is a quality piece. :D
Vicki
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Thank you very much for your feedback guys. I'm glad you liked the tune. @Tinam - I'll be getting on those chorus harmonies and changing up the backing vocals for an alternate version ASAP and seeing what works the best.
As for your suggestion CaliaMoko - I understand what you're saying about the stress being in a weird place, but I'm wondering how I can change that without changing the vocal melody, or the rhythm of the vocal melody? I've tried singing it a few different ways and it feels much less natural. Maybe you could show me what you mean :)
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As for your suggestion CaliaMoko - I understand what you're saying about the stress being in a weird place, but I'm wondering how I can change that without changing the vocal melody, or the rhythm of the vocal melody? I've tried singing it a few different ways and it feels much less natural. Maybe you could show me what you mean Smiley
Sure, Jack! Here's the line reflecting my suggestion:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/nothing-old/s-tDwy4
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this is fine work, the female vocal sounds excellent, as is is fine by me..no crits at all!!
super track..
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Sure, Jack! Here's the line reflecting my suggestion:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/nothing-old/s-tDwy4
Ah thanks Calia, this makes a lot of sense! Funny how I couldn't work that out for myself. Proof of the value of some outside ears.
And thankyou Shadowfax! So glad you liked it.
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You're welcome. My privilege to be of assistance. :)
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Hi Jack,
I think it all works well. It sounds very musical theatre to me too, not sure if that's what you were going for.
Your sister had a beautiful voice.
Cheers
A
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Lovely tune.....definitely hear those hints of early Kate Bush.
Would love to hear other songs from the concept album.
Could imagine this within a musical.
Your sister has a lovely voice....like the harmony
Sandeep
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I think it all works well. It sounds very musical theatre to me too, not sure if that's what you were going for.
Your sister had a beautiful voice.
Thank you! Musical theatre is exactly what I was going for with this one. I will pass on your kind words.
Lovely tune.....definitely hear those hints of early Kate Bush.
Would love to hear other songs from the concept album.
Could imagine this within a musical.
Your sister has a lovely voice....like the harmony
Sandeep
Hi Sandeep. Interesting about the Kate Bush vibes, it wasn't something that was intentional. I am a fan, but I've never attempted to emulate her. I have always considered Bush to be very theatrical, in a musical theatre sort of way, so I can definitely understand the comparison now I stop and think.
I have about 7 songs from the album in various stages of completion at the moment. I do plan on posting more songs here in the future. It's going to be a long process but I will let you know when the whole thing is finished if you like.
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I was very impressed with the lyric (which is actually all that I understand about songs anyway) but when I went to listen, I got a "private - no access" message.
I think that means you have to have a soundcloud account in order to listen until you re-set the parameters and make it "public." I'd love to have a listen.
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I was very impressed with the lyric (which is actually all that I understand about songs anyway) but when I went to listen, I got a "private - no access" message.
Ah yes sorry - the track was set to Private. It should work now. Glad you like the lyrics!
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This is very good Jack. Very well put together. The female vocals are divine. You have clever arrangement and have obviously taken a lot of time to work all of this out. The BV's are very clever, reminiscent of Queen as is some of the arrangement. Fabulous piece of work. Very Well done
John
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Very impressive!
I don't mean this to sound condescending but from your picture you look quite young and I wasn't expecting anything as sophisticated. Book, cover, judge and all that.
Beautiful vocals, with some great melodic and harmonic content.
Some of the backing vox are really nice such as the 'oooh's' at 1:28.
This is very musical theatre in style so I would take the concept album one step further and go full on musical.
Well done.
Yodasdad
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Very accomplished piece of writing and fits the genre perfectly. Beautifully sung by Sis. Perhaps your final mix will have to introduce a little more emotion towards the end where the child is telling us she's scared but doesn't really sound it. But, being a musical, I guess you have all kinds of stage direction going on in your head which would probably work hand-in-hand to deliver the full impact. And you did say this is a rough mix. It's still pretty damn good though; lots going on and maintaining interest all the way through.
Excuse me for bringing it up but you don't look like you've seen that many summers by your avatar? I think you and your sister are going to go as far with music as want to go. As Del Boy would say 'The world's your lobster!' ... You're definitely too young for that reference.
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Thanks for the feedback guys, really appreciate it. @John, I'm a huge Queen fan so it's great to hear you found it reminiscent. I'm still trying to figure out how to get their massive BV harmony sound, though...
This is very musical theatre in style so I would take the concept album one step further and go full on musical.
I've been toying with this idea since conception, but think some songs I have so far don't quite take the leap and are more my usual style. I'll have to decide when the project is done. Would be amazing/hilarious to see this on stage somewhere, though.
Perhaps your final mix will have to introduce a little more emotion towards the end where the child is telling us she's scared but doesn't really sound it.
Excuse me for bringing it up but you don't look like you've seen that many summers by your avatar? I think you and your sister are going to go as far with music as want to go. As Del Boy would say 'The world's your lobster!' ... You're definitely too young for that reference.
Cheers ShinyThang, I'll revisit those vocals with my Sis and see what I can do about making them sound more emotional. And you're right, that reference is lost on me ahaha
Regarding my age, I think the avatar is probably quite kind. I'm actually 21. I've been writing since I was 16 and recording for the last few years.
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Thanks for the feedback guys, really appreciate it. @John, I'm a huge Queen fan so it's great to hear you found it reminiscent. I'm still trying to figure out how to get their massive BV harmony sound, though
You probably already know they used the "wall of sound" technique by recording their voices over and over again to make it sound like a choir, right? After that it's probably some kind of mixing magic, with which I can't help.
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Thanks for the feedback guys, really appreciate it. @John, I'm a huge Queen fan so it's great to hear you found it reminiscent. I'm still trying to figure out how to get their massive BV harmony sound, though
You probably already know they used the "wall of sound" technique by recording their voices over and over again to make it sound like a choir, right? After that it's probably some kind of mixing magic, with which I can't help.
Yeah I believe they had 12 voices generally, three Freddie, three May, three Roger Taylor and three Deacon. I think they all tracked each harmony part. There's a little bit of magic that comes with four distinct voices that makes a harmony really hum. I might need to employ the rest of my family...
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Hey Jack,
Pretty fabulous to be honest, sound's like your on to something beautiful with your concept album if they're all of this quality.
So great that your working with your sister too, I've made a few tracks with my brother and I treasure that as when we've been the closest, so keep the moment!
No improvements from me, the vocals and overall production were most impressive.
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Hey there Jack......I think this is outstanding. Kinda of a Mid-Night opera feeling. Very strong performances.It all works very well!
Really like the concept, and writing, as well!!!
8) -Tom
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This vocal melody is superb, well done mate!
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This is epic. It's a beautiful song and love the arrangement. If I were to offer any suggestions it would be to stick with it and really go for a bombastic finish. This song can really soar. The only change I would consider would be to make the piano a little less jolty at 31 seconds. It pauses the song for a fraction too long. A minor point in the grand scheme of things!
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This vocal melody is superb, well done mate!
Thanks man, glad you liked it!
This is epic. It's a beautiful song and love the arrangement. If I were to offer any suggestions it would be to stick with it and really go for a bombastic finish. This song can really soar. The only change I would consider would be to make the piano a little less jolty at 31 seconds. It pauses the song for a fraction too long. A minor point in the grand scheme of things!
Wicked, thanks for the feedback. I was going for a bit of a baroque Pet Sounds thing with the bit at 30 secs. I think it's been a bit dvisive so I am condiering cutting it. I'm glad you considered it to be 'epic', that's some praise ahaha
Hey there Jack......I think this is outstanding. Kinda of a Mid-Night opera feeling. Very strong performances.It all works very well!
Really like the concept, and writing, as well!!!
Thanks a lot Tom! Glad you liked the concept - this is the first time I've ever attempted something with such a coherent story.
Pretty fabulous to be honest, sound's like your on to something beautiful with your concept album if they're all of this quality.
So great that your working with your sister too, I've made a few tracks with my brother and I treasure that as when we've been the closest, so keep the moment!
No improvements from me, the vocals and overall production were most impressive.
Thanks a lot Scott! I plan on posting more from the concept album in the coming weeks, so you'll have to be the judge of whether they're up to scratch or not. We're quite a musical family - my Dad is playing guitar on this track and most of the rest of the album. And he often pitches in with harmonies and things. It's a lot of fun.
Sorry to be bumping this again but I couldn't let everyone's great feedback go ignored. I'm taking this off soundcloud now for editing and mixing etc. Love you all x