The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: delb0y on May 12, 2017, 07:39:50 PM
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First draft of my summer song. Not sure if it's too slow, too derivative of far better songs, or too something else, so before I spend any more time on a proper version (i.e. where I play the same chords on each track) I thought I'd drop this initial take here for comments.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13571558 (http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13571558)
That Summer's Love
The sunshine on your face always made me smile
And the warm breeze reminds me of the miles
That we rode when life was young
Before the stitches came undone
That summer love, that summer's love
Racing the red kites cross the sky
"I can see the sea" I heard you cry
There was salt in the air
Freedom everywhere
That summer love, that summer's love
Sky-bound roads and misty mountain tops
You double-dared me along the sheer drops
There was lust in your eyes
We believed that we could fly
That summer love, that summer's love
Not a day goes by when I don't sit and mourn
For a second chance to take a different turn
I wonder where you might be
Do you still can see the sea?
That summer love, that summer's love
That summer love, that summer's love
That summer love, that summer's love
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Well, the first line melody did rather remind me of something but can't quite put my finger on it.
Yes we're not breaking any new ground here but being derivative of better songs is not an issue as far as I'm concerned if it's a good song in its own right.
As I seem to often be saying - so it might be a personal obsession - I think it would benefit from a bridge....more of a bridge than just an instrumental passage. Where that comes seems the obvious place for a bridge...I can hear the vocal going up plaintively here as a prelude to the mournful final verse.
I find the song a bit too 'nice' if you know what I mean though that might be a bit weak as a criticism and again a personal thing. To counteract that i would go for a grittier delivery vocally somehow...a bit rougher round the edges, not so rounded and fruity. Cheap plonk.
So I would keep it slow to emphasise the melancholy aspect...a nice solo violin would be good as opposed to any lush strings....which sums up my thoughts on the treatment pretty well...nothing too sugary.
'You double-dared me along the sheer drops' is a bit of an awkward line.
A few thoughts.........
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Hi!
I like your song. The first two lines are almost exactly the same
melody as Tom Waits 'I hope I don't fall in love with you'. I love
that song but maybe your melody is a bit too similar.
The tempo could be a bit faster. Just a bit.
And as Cramer said I also find it a bit soft.
It might be the whispering vocals.
Since the lyrics are so sweet and romantic some
contrast might be needed. I'm thinking less reverb
on the solo guitar could be a starting point.
Martin
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Martin, yes, I knew the melody came from a Waits song and I tracked it down last night. I shall leave this one up for posterity, but won't progress it further because of that.
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Hi Delb0y, sweet melody... sorry to read you won't take it further. I agreed with Martin that the tempo could be faster. In fact I can also hear it working a lot faster, but maybe that's not your style (just thought the chords and melody are strong enough to make it work as an upbeat fist-puncher as well as this more melancholic treatment). Good luck in the summer comp.
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i enjoyed this one, Derek...loved the way the guitars seem to float in and out.
I don't know any Tom Waits songs, but I've decided after hearing this, he can't be that bad :)
Cool.
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Well I thought it was lovely!
Why do things have to be gritty & cant be soft? I dont want gritty love songs!
Yes change the lyrics so the boy drives his car off the cliff & the girl is so tormented she loses their baby & runs off with a psychopath..yeah that should do ::)... ;D
i realy liked the gentle melodic guitars here
& as for the first two lines sounding like a Tom Waits song you can easily change the melody to something just as good ...ive just changed it myself while singing along
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Thanks for the encouragement. I've been experimenting with a subtly different melody for one of the lines (spookily I keep hearing Mississippi by Pussy Cat - remember them? - when I listen to the original line, as well as Tom Waits. I ran the original melody through a melody tracker on the web and it came up with so much similar stuff it was unreal. I guess melodies have all been done!).
I also need to get it down to a 1+1 arrangement so I can play it live. If I can get to an OM over the next few weeks I might try it and see if it flies. It might make the comp yet...
Cheers
D
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lovely song - could feel the heat rising on the balcony - with a long tall cool one in my hand - whoops that came out wrong!!
and i would never admit it - but love Mississippi by Pussycat.
Nice Song :)
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Lovely stuff Del. Your vocals are always so up front and personal yet soothing like a well aged red wine. Lovely little guitar links. See, it was well worth spending winter in the shed if this is the sort of stuff that you're knocking out :)
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Hey Delboy
This is a lovely song with lovely lyrics. The guitar parts are really well played and got lost in them. I think this is a great track and I think sticking with it will be well worth it. Good luck with it!
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The tempo is great and lends itself perfectly to an evening summer scene as the sun is setting. It is really beautiful and I think it would be a great shame if you didn’t develop this song further! Beautiful song
Paul