The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: olivergearing on November 03, 2015, 11:15:40 PM
-
Hi
This song was one I wrote fairly quickly, yet it feels like one of my strongest. Writing this reminded me of how much I love song writing!
I'd really like some ideas on how I could improve this from a production point of view, and perhaps lyrically? In the end I would love it if an artist wanted to record this song, so I really need to make sure it's presented well, and frankly it's not there yet!!
https://www.reverbnation.com/olivergearing/song/24513158-heart-of-us (https://www.reverbnation.com/olivergearing/song/24513158-heart-of-us)
Thanks for your support
LYRICS
It's enough
And I don't mind
People change over time
It's enough
That you and me
drift apart easily
It's enough
The years go by
For the smallest thing
So hard we try
It's enough
But everyday
We're growing colder
Then you tell me that there's something that you miss
I can help you to pretend it don't exist
And then we're OK, dry your tears and stop the fuss
You've got to listen, got to listen to the heart of us
It's enough
But something's changed
And I don't know what to say
But it's enough
If a little strained
Getting closer to the pain
It's enough
The weeks roll by
Everything
Makes you cry
It's enough
But everyday
It's getting harder
Then you tell me that there's something that you miss
I can help you to pretend it don't exist
Or I can hold you, pretend there's no-one else but us
You've got to listen, got to listen, to the heart of us
Then you tell me that there's nothing that you miss
I am sorry for my part of it in this
Now we're ok, our lost years have turned to dust
You've got to listen, got to listen
To the heart of us
Copyright Oliver Gearing
-
This is a lovely song, Oliver...
Couple of very minor things for me, personally... I'd perhaps look at the line "so hard we try" again
And (although used by Jeff Beck and The Beatles) I'd avoid the word "fuss" - dunno why...simple word prejudice, I guess!
Loved the piano and your vocals are great too...really impressive :)
-
Beautiful lyrics which I think are fine as they are. I liked the opening with just piano and vocal. Lovely vocal I especially liked the high notes. I was expecting the bass and drums to kick in at some point but it still works well as it. The harmony vocals help build up a nice dynamic. As does the build down towards the end.
Really nice song
-
The lyrics are short and snappy! I really like them! And the piano really blends with the lyrics! The vocals work really well because i cant imagine this song being "belted out". The main vocals and backing vocals work so good together!!
Really impressed with this! 😎
Cant wait to hear more
Lee
-
Oliver. I know this chord progression is very well used but I thought that you really took it another direction. Loved the mellow vocals
John
-
Great feedback everyone. Thanks so much for taking the time...
Couple of very minor things for me, personally... I'd perhaps look at the line "so hard we try" again
And (although used by Jeff Beck and The Beatles) I'd avoid the word "fuss" - dunno why...simple word prejudice, I guess!
Thanks Paul. I'll have a look at that line, perhaps change it to "we have to try"?
In terms of the fuss line, I had an earlier version that was:
"Then we're OK, dry your tears and suck it up,
You've go to listen, got to listen to the heart of us"
Do you think that works better?
Mo, Lee and John - thanks so much for your kind words, it really helps give confidence that this is worth pursuing!
-
Slow burner, decent vocals, didn't quite move on as I expected and was hoping for a slightly bigger finish.
But overall very professional sounding.
-
Oh...just ignore me, Oliver...it's fine as it is :)
"We have to try" is great!
Believe it or not...I was writing a middle 8 for one of my songs and I'd used "fuss" to rhyme with "us" and I had a hissy fit with myself over it!
Having heard some more of your stuff...I'd cross my name off your "people to listen to" list if I were you :)
Best wishes and keep the songs coming!
Paul
-
I love the simplicity of it.
It's a very complete song because of (not in spite of) the simplicity. I agree it's one of your best. A very, very worthwhile song in my opinion.
If this were available in Karaoke, I would HAVE TO sing it. It's not often that I feel that way.
-
@ MoreFrog
Thanks for the listen Morefrog - you're right about some sort of crescendo - I'll definitely think about that and try and work it in...
@ PaulAds
LOL!! Please keep the opinions coming, I really value your input! Your tracks are excellent, and I can learn lots from your experience/feedback. Next time I try and rhyme "fuss" I'll think of you!
@ Hard Twist
Thanks for the kind words, that is really high praise! I really appreciate the support - it gives me great confidence to get back in the studio and sort the final version out!
-
A very beautiful song with a nice piano motif and love the harmonies..I feel it should develop more but as is it's good enough to present to anyone...this version shows the song off in a simple way, which is probably a good thing..
very difficult to get a song to an artist nowadays though..seems to be a closed shop and all they have to do is nick a bit of it and use it in a different context..
good luck.. :)
best, Kevin :)
-
Hi there - really enjoyed it.
It has something timeless about it - but for a more commercial sound I too think it would benefit from a lift in the middle with bass and (light) drums coming in. I think you sensed that too as after the first chorus (around 1'20" on) the piano came through more heavily as if to say here we go....
The only example I can think of right now is Hello by Adele - she has a way bigger chorus, which is fine, but in verse two (around 3'20" on the video) you can hear quite well how the rhythm section - quite subtly - comes in underneath the keys. Not a perfect example but could be the first step of the development that Kevin refers to. Next chorus should probably be the high point.
However, I would definitiely take it back down after the piano solo like you do now. Really tender ending which I wouldn't change.
-
@ Kevin
Thanks mate, really appreciate the comments. I might have a play about with some strings/guitar/drums perhaps and see what comes out?
I definitely need to increase the production quality if I have any ambitions for this...
@ Adam, thanks for the thoughts! I've heard the Adele song a couple of times on the radio, but I'll get a copy and give it a good thorough listen. Thanks for your super helpful comments...
Oli
-
Hi OG,
Wow what a sensitive voice... Like how you sing so
silent in the verses. Nice use of the facet voice...
Lovely piano arrangement and vocal harmonies in the
chorus...
The second time 'then you tell me' (which is wonderful
btw) could use some build up instrumentally imo (rock
guitars, more powerful drums?)
Then the fallback to 'Then you tell me..' for the
third time would gain from the loss of energy imo...
I'm impressed my friend... Respect!
MM
-
Hi Oliver,
I've listened to this a few times and each time I was so impressed.....Great intimacy , music supports the lyrics, Fantastic lead vocal and harmonies.....
The only thing I would say that I think a progression from super up close and intimate can evolve into something bigger and more inclusive...just by bringing up the size of the room and the mix of the instrumentation and panning out the harmonies....In visual terms it's like starting with a very tight shot of the singer's face above the piano and a long. long pullback showing the entire stage and audience...and at the very end returning to the up close vocals and tight shot....You get a feeling of having traveled through the verses and emotions....
Anyhow great work!!!!!
igg
-
Wow, I dig this! Great, great vocals for this song. Was this my song I know exactly where I would take it and that would be what NeilC use to to call "the epic power rock ballad", building it up until it's way larger than life ;D ;D ;D But then, after all I'm pretty much a one trick pony....
-
Beautiful.
The song, the performance & the mix
Nothing to add.
-
I really this one. Nice stripped back feel and a vocal that seems to fit the lyrics and the stripped back feel of the song. Melodically its very nice and reminded me a little of Cat Stevens 'Father and Son'. Great use of harmonies on the chorus and I love the lift in the high notes on 'cry' and 'try' at the end of the verses just before the chorus. While I liked the stripped back feel I felt that the 2nd verse needed beefed up a little. There was a natural expectancy that some bass and drums - albeit very subtle and mixed low in the mix - would kick in to drive the song on a little. All in all hough a nice wee number. :)
-
Hi all, thanks for your comments. I'm going back into the studio with this one, so have got a really good idea of where to take it, thanks to you!!
@ MartiMedia, thanks very much! I've got some ideas of how to build the chorus back up the second time, probably using some percussive strokes on the guitar body. This is an Ed Sheeran trick I think, so it would be interesting to try it out!! Totally agree on more build up needed...
@ Igg, wow, great mixology knowledge! I'll try that panning idea, you've made it beautifully clear on how to achieve this. I've got a journey to take on reverb usage, so it will be fun to experiment on this one...
@ Jambrains, thanks for the kind words. I defo agree, more beef needed, and whilst I probably won't reach the fizzy heights of rock ballad epic, something more is definitely needed!
@ ShinyThang, thank you so much!
@ Sing4me88, thanks very much, being compared to Cat Stevens is a massive compliment! I'll play around with some percussive ideas in verse two, building toward the chorus...
-
Excellent commercial song Oliver, really good write.
Things I would consider doing with it to make it more commercial sounding.
- Add some synth pads or strings over the back for the central part of the song.
- Add some drums and bass over the piano in the middle. Needs to be sparse with nice long reverb on the snare drum to keep the open sound of it. Then drop that out at the end
The other thing that occurred on first listen is the hook line "Heart Of Us" I found turned up bit too easily and the meter of the line seems the same as what has come before. I would consider a little delay before delivering it, perhaps a little cadence in the piano and stopping it then deliver the line in the vocal after.
Not sure if I am describing it right but I think you can make it work harder for you.
It's a lovely song and deserves all the attention you can give it.
Tom.
-
Beautiful piano and vocal. not sure if this needs anything else. The stripped back presentation leaves the listener to imagine a suitable production. I hear a string section/orchestral approach but equally, it would be more chart friendly with acoustic and electric guitar accompaniment - just likeGary Barlow would present for recent take that material.
Lovely song.
Paul
-
It's all been said by others but it's a beautiful song and stuck with me when I heard it for the first time this morning.
Also agree that after the first section I was waiting for (and wanting) a lift, whether drums, another instrument or whatever, before dropping back down to the touching finish.
A great song, lovely lyrics and I'll have a listen to others now.
-
Very cool song! I like your simplistic arrangement and you got a beautiful chorus :)
I have 3 suggestions for you:
1) the line "It's enough" repeats too many times. I get you're making a point, but it gets old very quick. Replace it with something similar-sounding after a while "it's been rough", "it ain't love", etc.
2) melodically, try going up in plateaus in your verse. For the 4th lyrical block, go higher, don't come back to the same notes over and over again. They are beautiful but again, they get old.
3) Mixing. You're overdoing your compression! Be a little careful with your threshold setting. Use a tiny (!) bit of reverb (with lots of pre-delay) on the vocals. You want to sound close-up and personal, I understand that, but not one-dimensional.
I have some small ideas for your chorus which I think would make it shine more. But I'd have to sing that for you. Send your song in for the next Feedback Friday maybe? :)