[Souper]

Now that we have become so supremely advanced
There's a machine to make a cockroach do a mesmerising dance
And I've heard we're doing things that make this globe we live on warmer
I'm not that worried though I'm uncommonly good at treading water


Suffer no sleep loss
just cruise the space time void
Don't you worry things are gonna get better
With the coming of the asteroid

You could ask the greatest thinker for the meaning of it all
he'll just claim there is none, you're just an animal that stood tall
Or you could ask your favourite God to come over and explain
But you'll get no response, these gods you know they are all the same

Suffer no sleep loss
just cruise the space time void
Don't you worry things will all get better
With the coming of the asteroid


And when you wake to the first light of day
Does it make you wonder what new things will come along your way
Maybe a killer virus means we need to shoot the bear
Or perhaps some shocking news of a terrible regime somewhere


So come the asteroid
We know you've been here before
When we had swamps, volcanoes
And the terrifying dinosaur
But things have gotten worse
so please make another scene
Then you can be a part
Of a massive renovation scheme

[CaliaMoko]

Well, if you're going for dark, brooding, depressing, and feeling hopeless, I think you got it.

I really appreciate how you kept your rhyme scheme consistent throughout the piece.

Recommendation: This line--"he'll just claim there is none, you're just an animal that stood tall". I recommend you find a way to get rid of one of the iterations of the word "just" so it doesn't occur twice in one line.

I don't understand all the references, specifically; "There's a machine to make a cockroach do a mesmerising dance" and "Maybe a killer virus means we need to shoot the bear". That could mean they're too obscure, or it could mean I'm out of the loop. I don't know which but it wouldn't surprise me if it's the second option.

When I read through the song out loud, I can't get it to fall into any kind of rhythm. That could mean it'll be hard to set to music or it could mean I'm just not getting it. Again, I don't know which. There's lots in general I don't know, so don't attach too much importance to my feedback. Unless it speaks to you.

Have you already set it to music? I would be interested in hearing how you worked it out.

Vicki

[Souper]

Thank you. Do you know I never realised I used just twice!

Anyway, there is actually a machine that you can connect to a cockroach and control it remotely! That's when I wrote this. The virus that means we need to shoot the bear is, alternatively, the infection that means we need to kill badgers 

[Paulski]

Nice rhyming and has some interesting lines that make you want to read on.
The meter/prosody is an issue though - if you look at say, line 2 in every verse they have vastly varying syllable counts and emphasis points. So, if you are an amazing musician and can make this work in a song all very good. If not and you expect someone else to do it maybe rethink how this flows.

My 2 cents CAD
Paul

[18 in the 80s]

Hi

I like this and I think it's ready for some fine tuning.  I would read the words out loud and listen for anything that doesn't play right,  sounds disjointed or is difficult to actually sing.

Just my thoughts

Paul

[Souper]

Thanks guys. In my head it's fine. Unfortunately my head doesn't get to connect very well with my guitar 

Still, I definitely don't want to go for simple, and I do think that making things fit, rather than writing stuff that just does fit, can make for a more funky song. I guess the time for fine tuning is with my guitar and a mic.....