[tracyl]

It feels like I'm spamming with songs and I apologize but this is so far my favorite place for good critique of my songs and there's just so much I write, so I apologize. Feel free to leave your comments tho.

When I'm by you and we're just
Sitting side by side
I see two stars in the sky
And they're also side by side

The smell of rose flying in the air
The feel of your hands, the smell of your hair
And when we go everywhere
It's like a constellation, before my eyes

When I'm near you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they too are side by side
Like me
And you

The fun skipping besides the lake
Your gasp as you see, your view and intake
Yeah I wish that we could stay
Just stuck in this moment, for a while

When I'm by you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they're also side by side
Like me
And you

And being next to you just leaves me so breathless
The world is so light I'd hold the universe
And I can't believe someone leaves me out of breath
And when we kiss it's like I've run a thousand miles
It's something I would do, for you and
There's nothing I'd refuse, to you cause
We're like the Gemini twins, forever touching and
I'm so in love, it hurts my heart

When I'm by you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they're also side by side
Like me
And you

[Neil C]

Hi,

This conveys the emotion love in early bloom. I'd just be careful around some of the repeated words and rhyming schemes. And not sure I'd chose roses but maybe it's post cliche and ok.

Great that you're enjoying the forum, and don't forget the more feedback you give others, the better you'll be as a writer and more feedback you'll get.

 
Neil

[hardtwistmusic]

I'm going to suggest some changes based on Neil's observation (which I observed myself also.) 

When I'm by you and we're just
Sitting side by side
I see two stars in the sky
And they're ALSO side by side

The smell of rose in the air
The feel of your hands. The smell of your hair
And when we go everywhere
Your constellation, before my eyes

When I'm near you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they're ALSO side by side
Like me
And you

The fun skipping beside the lake
Your gasp as you see, your intake
And I wish that we could stay
Just stuck in this moment, for a while

When I'm by you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they're ALSO side by side
Like me
And you

And being next to you just leaves me breathless
The world's so light I'd hold the universe
I can't believe someone leaves me out of breath
When we kiss it's like I've run a thousand miles
It's something I would do, for you and
There's nothing I'd refuse, to you cause
I'm so in love, it hurts my heart    (BTW.... this bridge is brilliant imo)

When I'm by you
my emotions collide
When we're sitting side by side
I see two stars
Shine above in the sky
And they're also side by side
Like me
And you


Use any you like.  Ignore the rest.  Hope it helps.

[tracyl]

Hey hardtwistmusic and Neil C,
Thanks for the tip, it makes a lot of sense an I'm so happy for the critiques it's so helpful. I'm not a very good songwriter yet but I'm trying and when you guys take the time to help out I'm very very graeful. Thanks.

[S.T.C]

This is more of a poem.I struggle to see the song in it..it's a bit twee as well .....re-write it and eliminate all the sentimental stuff ..the idea is fine ..two lovers ,two stars ?

[PeeJay]

Hi,

Good romantic lyric.

I was thinking you could have 'like the twins of Gemini'  or similar in there somewhere. This would reflect the two of them in the sky.

Nice one,

Phil.

[tracyl]

Good idea, I'm definitely gonna try that, thanks Peejay.

[Dogmax]

What you have here is lovers lyrics but if i can be honest with you too many words is spoiling the feelings of the song, the listener doesn't want to be guided by word for word through their own feeling of love, just let them see their moment and gently make that moment feel real.

Think of your favourite instrument been play as you flow through your song taking out words that your lyrics don't need until you make that moment feel real, your job as songwriter is to create that moment for them but i will say from what im reading you're almost there.

Warm welcome to you.