The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: S.T.C on May 04, 2013, 06:00:11 PM
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Poetry time(sort of lyrics) ;) bit Shakespearian ..but hey-ho.
https://soundcloud.com/songsthatcry/poem-the-voices
in all the shallow lights
that early morning brings
and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers
i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger
i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain
but hide myself behind a shadow
and lie to distract attentions gain
In torment i did rip rip away
until the core exposed became
there were voices talking back
asking, did i find what cuts asunder
with blood run chill and eyes of thunder
i loosed the beast that takes me under
i now lean heavy and cold as pole
sulking in my deepest hole
never hence did i stray
or sleep upon another`s hay
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This all rhymes really well. Thought it was good but is it just meant to be a poem? A bit short of not. I do like it though!
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This all rhymes really well. Thought it was good but is it just meant to be a poem? A bit short of not. I do like it though!
Yes just a poem...i write poems as well as lyrics,,,but hey if anyone can sing it their welcome ;)
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You certainly have a way with words my friend. Lovely pictures in this prose, really enjoyed the read.
Allan.
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I'm Envious! I cant do Poems....I'm jealous! ;D Superb words with great momentum Ace! :)
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Hey STC,
Really nice work my friend... 'coddled'...'asunder'... great words ;D
Aren't all songs just poems? I reckon all poems are just unfinished songs..
I'd definitely try to put this to music, if you maintain the rhythm of the verses you'd have a great medieval type song I reckon.
hab..
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As usual STC you write some pretty powerful stuff
But you never pay any attention to a structure - even as a poem the stanzas don't follow any kind of rhythm
It frustrates me so much to have all that potential talent and just be so careless , so hashy bashy about everything
Seriously man do you ever review and refine your writing at all?
I am sorry for being so negative but I think you are a big wasted talent - you write so many good lines
Even when we worked on ' touch your sky ' I asked you to write a second verse and it was a completely different structure to the 1st verse
You could be amazing my friend - absolutely amazing ???
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As usual STC you write some pretty powerful stuff
But you never pay any attention to a structure - even as a poem the stanzas don't follow any kind of rhythm
It frustrates me so much to have all that potential talent and just be so careless , so hashy bashy about everything
Seriously man do you ever review and refine your writing at all?
I am sorry for being so negative but I think you are a big wasted talent - you write so many good lines
Even when we worked on ' touch your sky ' I asked you to write a second verse and it was a completely different structure to the 1st verse
You could be amazing my friend - absolutely amazing ???
What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No! Poems, no less! Poems, everybody!
The laddie reckons himself a poet!
"Money get back / I'm all right, Jack / Keep your hands off my stack / New car / Caviar / Four star daydream / Think I'll buy me a football team." Absolute rubbish, laddie. :D
It`s not meant to rhyme like a limerick... but.i will read and record it..and see if your right!!
No i don`t refine a lot.. but i more or less feel comfortable with what i write..and there`s always something else to be getting on with..ain`t there. :o
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You don't need to record it
Read this
and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers
i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger
i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain
Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?
I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that
But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures
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Btw
Are there any queers in the audience tonight?
;D
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No ,i will read it,,,but not tonight,,,(downloaded life of pi and game of thrones,worked ,feeling knacked and got some beers)..
it`s how you raise and drop some of the final words on a sentence, plus pausing that will make it work and make sense......i think ???
And what`s more i`m still pretty new to all this and sailing uncharted waters.
Just listening to this again...what a man ,what a poet.
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Enjoy mate
Just finished the life of PI book - pretty outstanding
And game of thrones - love that series
😁😁😁😁
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You don't need to record it
Read this
and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers
i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger
i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain
Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?
I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that
But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures
Lingers rhymes with finger
Pain rhymes with gain(in the next line)
All i can say is, don`t read like a set of instructions , like on something you bought from B&Q..
or `the boy stood on the burning deck is legs where all a quiver//etc
Read it like you were in a play...and there lines..that you need to put life into?
Yes(reply to your last message_
[/quote]
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You don't need to record it
Read this
and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers
i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger
i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain
Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?
I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that
But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures
Lingers rhymes with finger
Pain rhymes with gain(in the next line)
All i can say is, don`t read like a set of instructions , like on something you bought from B&Q..
or `the boy stood on the burning deck is legs where all a quiver//etc
Read it like you were in a play...and there lines..that you need to put life into?
Yes(reply to your last message_
[/quote]
Oh boy
I wasn't talking about rhyming - I was talking about rhythm
Many of Shakespeare's sonnet follow iambic pentameter - even limerick's although you mock have a defined rhythm & syallable count
I think your response illustrates that you really don't get this point at all
I am trying to help and review your work critically - I am not saying for a second that I am any better than you - far from it - you would find it very hard to write a consistent and memorable melody to much of your work
So unless you join the 'play writers ' forum I would think a little about this
;D
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Hi Just a bit of Diplomacy........It would be nice to be nice, subjective & maintain some kind of amicable comradery on this thread. :) Its someones lyrics? sometimes.. someones song? They are creations & perhaps mutual respect...tolerances should be encouraged..witheld? The sun is out..
Music,lyrics should be fun.....should be 'feel good' should be friendly. Please? for little ole' me?
Have a nice day..............:) Stylus
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Why's everyone critiquing the structure so much, it's your song you have it any structure you like- anyway it's not even a song it's a poem, and it rhymes and flows really well, so personally I don't see the problem. But agree with everyone who says you've got an amazing way with words :)