[Bernd]

This is actually a rewrite to match the words with someone else's backing track. I like it better than the 'original' text:

she was twenty-two
lung cancer
never smoked
a single cigarette
she saw all her friends
to say her Good-Byes
she said
"be not upset"

some nasty old creep
Mr. mighty important
a guy
you'd not want as a friend
revered by the media
as the wise old expert
it's a joke
that does not find its end

some
go too soon
some die too late
call it bad luck
or call it fate
it's all part
of the human state
some
go too soon

a new motorbike
that ran smooth and fast
smashed its driver
on a concrete wall
some nasty old crook
enjoys his old age
he has made millions
by means that appall

cheerful laughter
and angry shouts
coming from
the public playground
a couple holds hands
a young girl cries
an old man's smiling
we won't get to know why

some
go too soon
some die too late
call it bad luck
or call it fate
it's all part
of the human state
some
go too soon

she was twenty-two
lung cancer
never smoked
a single cigarette
she saw all her friends
to say her Good-Byes
she said
"be not upset"

[Bleedin Boy]

This is good. I like the chorus, and the line "be not upset". Perhaps the girl is accepting that some people just die before they should.

[Bernd]

Yes, Gaby accepted her fate and was more concerned about us, her friends, than herself. She once even admitted that it was a strain for her to have to cheer up her boyfriend - who was devastated, of course. Theirs was THE big love, you know, being that young. And a nice, beautiful couple they were. He was maybe two or three years older than she. I have no idea what became of him, since he avoided contact to their joint friends after her death.

The song won't be used as I recorded it (my first try on topline-writing) as my partner wants more cheerful lyrics to go with his - rather gloomy - music. I would have loved to dedicate it to her memory. Well, maybe I'll dedicate the lyrics to her, then.

In the second verse I'm referring to Helmut Schmidt, a former german chancellor. But I found that I seem to be the only person in the universe to find anything appaling in a person who was ready to sacrifice 'his' people for risky war games (by letting the Americans station mid-range nuclear missiles in then western Germany). I decided to obscure my political views a bit and make the lyrics a little more 'generic' ;-)


Thanks for reading, commenting - and getting the message ;-)

Bernd

[jonpromos]

You write like me. Obscuring the politics and trying to capture the universe by using opposites. Great job in capturing the nastiness of human nature. I've been fascinated by it as well. I love the contrasts. Of the young and the old. And the lucky and the unlucky. The fifth verse is about a pedophile i presume.

I would appreciate it if you capitalized the first letter to ease the reading flow. But don't force yourself. Do what's comfortable. The artist's inner most instincts is always right.

[Bernd]

> The fifth verse is about a pedophile i presume. <

I didn't think of that, yet it's a valid interpretation. That's an advantage of obscurity: leaving the text open to different interpretations.

Thank you!

Bernd

[Arkwright]

Hey Bernd...

A nice write overall and I think the chorus is particularly good.

I have a couple of observations that you may or may not find useful.

1. For some reason that I can't put my finger on, I just don't like the phrase 'lung cancer' being used in a song. I wish I could offer a more obscure alternative that says the same thing, but at the moment I can't.

2. Verse 2 finishes with the line 'that does not find its end' I'm not sure if you mean the 'joke' in the previous line does not meet it's end or that the person you are talking about does not meet his end. If it's the latter, then the line might read better as 'he does not find his end'

2. Verses 1 and 2 talk about a single person, but verse 3 talks about two people and two seperate incidents. It just makes me think you ran out of ideas for the guy on the motorbike and was unable to extend his story to the end of the verse, so you threw in another half story if that makes sense.

3. Verse 4 just appears to be a random verse that doesn't fit at all with the theme of your song. By the same token I think it's a well written verse and possibly the best verse in the song.

Hope I haven't come across as to over critical, it wasn;t meant to be.

[Bernd]

Thank you for reading my lyrics so thoroughly.

In the original version a had a bridge instead of a fourth verse. Thus the structure was more clearly:

V V C B (more generic observations) V (two halves, same pattern as the first two verses together) C

The title then was "on the human condition".

I swapped the bridge and the last verse to obtain some kind of logical structure in the manner of "from particular scenes to more general impressions". Well, you spotted the weak points in the rewrite, I guess.

Normally, I don't write about my personal experiences. The first verse is an exception, that's why I put in this crude and direct phrase "lung cancer" - that's what it was. When writing "eating me up" I was also thinking about Gaby, but I used a different approach:

"it's eating me up
I'm fading away
the world's getting dimmer
from day to day
it's eating me up "

Gaby's worries that her dying would upset her friends was also included:

"it hurts me to see
my friend's tears and distress
nothing much I could offer
but try to digress
from the simple truth at hand"

Since "some go to soon" was not accepted there may be more rewrites... In the end it's the singer who decides.

Thanks again,
and see you around,

Bernd