[richardvocal]

This is was written for a young female pop singer looking for more serious material that still allows her an upbeat chorus.

I'm staring at it and really not sure what I have. Is it a pop song? The chorus certainly seems to lend itself to uplift, but is it too much, lyrically?

HELP!!!!

Be really harsh with me please. I need some honest feedback because I really don't have a clue what this is.

Laser beam

Lying in the dark
Your heart feels darker
The weight of your soul has you pinned down to your bed

Your present state
Relates to mistakes
And the way your world gets locked up in your head

(pre-chorus)
Seconds to minutes to hours to days
This is your life, it’s not just a phase
The drugs don’t work and you’re going crazy

(Chorus)
Then the light in your eyes shines out like a laser beam
And your heart jumpstarts like you woke from a nasty dream
The ache in your head
And the wishing you were dead
Gives way
To the light from a laser beam

Your soul plays host
To a roller coaster
When you get right down you lose the views from the top

No panorama
Not calm but no drama
When you drop so far your car grinds to a stop

(pre-chorus)
But when you rise to your fullest height
And you show your power to put the world to right
Such a beautiful thing, such a glorious sight

(Chorus)
Then the light in your eyes shines out like a laser beam
And you wake from your state like you woke from an ugly dream
When you take control
And find the power in your soul
You shine
Like the light from a laser beam

(two section bridge)
It’s all you, it’s all you
The ups and downs, the highs and lows
All part of who you are
My sweetheart, my North Star

I knew, I always knew
What I got into when I got into you
You make me whole inside
My lover and my guide

(Chorus)
When the light in your eyes shines out like a laser beam
And you wake from your state like you woke from a nasty dream
When you take control
Find the power in your soul
You shine
Like the light from a laser beam

[diademgrove]

Hi,

I can see why the song has an identity crisis but its not the musical genre for me. I don't see any relationship between the singer and the person on the bed.

I would change the verses to the first person, I rather than you, and the chorus could be:

Then the light in your eyes shines out like a laser beam
And my heart jumpstarts like I woke from a nasty dream
The ache in my head
And the wishing I was dead
Gives way
To the light from your laser beam.

It makes it easier for me to have empathy for the singer.

I'd leave the second pre-chorus as it is.

If you think this a direction is worth pursuing I'm sure you can change the rest of the words yourself to fit the basic idea.

If you think its not worth it please ignore my thoughts.

I thought you created some powerful images,

Keith

[Vintage54]

        You ask for an honest opinion, well here it comes. Change nothing at all, it's good, and hard to find fault and negatives. I'm coming from a lyrical perspective here, and that's all. But as it sits, it's comfortable, and in my humble opinion, commendable. Some really good lines for the train of thought to run on. Thumbs up!

                            Vintage54

[richardvocal]

Vintage, thank you for your kind words on this and on Broken Doll.

Keith, I appreciate the thought that went into your response. I see why you suggest first person but the lyric was designed with a voice in mind; a girl expressing unconditional love for someone with a fluctuating mental state. To reflect that mental state from within would, imho, involve a much darker lyric focusing on the pain of the situation.

Darnit, lovely thoughtful words from you guys, but I'm still no closer to dealing with my core issue - is it a pop lyric?