[Mark L]

Be gentle with me

https://soundcloud.com/songwriter101/your-online-dream

[tina m]

i thought it was very well produced youve put a lot of effort into it & it was very tightly played
but i realy think the guitar & bass & vocal all followed each other a little bit to much to make it catchy & interesting
also the vocal was a bit to multitracked ...now i know all about not being to sure of your voice so you mulitrack it to make it stonger but its a compromise becos  it loses so much impact & feeling when you do it
i hope you wont be offended becos the song  shows youve got talent ....its just getting all the parts to add up to more instead of subtracting 

[Mark L]

The points you make are very fair and I will take them on board 

Once again, apologies for posting songs so close to each other in time 

[terrysains]

Really liked the beginning, different, good singing, nice song, enjoyed. Terry.

[tokenangmoh]

Hi.

There's some nice playing in there, and the chorus melody works very well.

I also like:

So many doors you can open
But you lock yourself away

But I don't think telling someone to "drown in the sea" is the best way to inspire them to make the most of life!

I agree with Tina's comments on the multi-tracked vocal, and I'd add that the ride is a bit loud.

Matt

[Mark L]

'The river' and 'The sea' are metaphors for life, mate 

[digger72]

Hi Mark,

Nice of you to write a song about my daughter.
 Good blast of pop/rock. The intro reminded me of something but it's eluding me at the moment, and will now bug me for days.
Good melody. All nicely played.I would probably echo the thought about the multi-tracked vocal, though only to the extent that i would have one vocal more prominent and perhaps the others as a backing  somewhat behind.

Nice one.

Digger

[Paulski]

Nice professional sounding pop song - good job on that!
For me, the lyrics don't develop much beyond "you're wasting your life online" but maybe that's all you need in pop?
cheers
Paul

[tokenangmoh]

Hi again,

'The river' and 'The sea' are metaphors for life, mate

Yes, I understand that, and I like the river metaphor. But the sea metaphor has a literal meaning that is about death. That creates a contradiction that takes me out of the song. Personally, I'd go for "swim in the sea", which would also give you two consecutive alliterative phrases, if you like that type of thing...

But if "drown in the river" works for you, then of course you should stick with it.

[Mark L]

Hi again,

'The river' and 'The sea' are metaphors for life, mate

Yes, I understand that, and I like the river metaphor. But the sea metaphor has a literal meaning that is about death. That creates a contradiction that takes me out of the song. Personally, I'd go for "swim in the sea", which would also give you two consecutive alliterative phrases, if you like that type of thing...

But if "drown in the river" works for you, then of course you should stick with it.

'Swim' suggests just keeping one's head above water. I wanted complete immersion

[Dogmax]

I like this good lyrics but i agree with tokenangmoh  (swim in the sea)  i understand your metaphors for life reason but an awful lot of family's that has lost love one because of  (drown in the sea)  wont give two hoots about your metaphor reason and believe me you don't want to be turning away the listeners of your song and anyway, swim in the sea mean they're keeping their heads up, which mean there is always hope.

Also you sing this very well so don't hide your vocals bring them out more, im just been honest with you okay.

I really do like this   

[little feet]

i like this, has a nice feel to it. I would agree with the others about the drown in the sea part.. however i know what you're trying to get at..

there's a song by a guy alled benjamin leftwich francis called "Atlas Hands" .. there's a part in that that executes it slightly more clearly. excuse the death pun..

"take me to the docks
there is a ship without a name
that is sailing to the middle of the sea"

"the water there is deeper
than anything you've ever seen
just jump right in
and swim until you're free"

avoids the drowning part which as token said is a little less inspiring than what i think you're after.

all in all it's really good though mate.

[Jeremy]

Hi there Marc,
I really enjoyed that. Very up to date topic and it took you little time or words to make your point.
The drowning problem is quite simple to bypass if you replace the word 'drown' by 'dive', which will bring you total immersion without death.
Musically, I think you might want to spice this a little bit up by adding a middle eight: Additional text adding a different angle or just instrumental; f.e. a guitar solo.
There is something else, which (being a parent) I didn't recognise at first, but still: Your lyrics come across as a little patronizing. A middle eight adding a slightly different point of view can break that.
Cheers,
Jeremy

[refusedrevival]

Hi,

Great bass lines and bass sounds ... How you have recorded those sounds?
It's lovely to close my eyes and just listen to bass.

Otherwise nice song and nice singing.