The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Binladeda on April 17, 2013, 03:58:01 PM
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Thought I'd enter the spirit of the 'new look' forum by posting a first recording of a song I'm writing for my future grandchild......due Sep. so plenty of time ;D Btw.....excellent idea this WIP section guys. It will be really interesting to see how people develop their songs. Anyway, this song is straight off of the drawing board. My main 'stumbling block' has been the lyrics. I've already had some invaluable help from a few, very generous, members ;D ;D so I thought I'd 'put it out there' to see if I could get any more ideas from all you clever folk ;D The harmonies are coming out......I've got other plans for those, and I'll be putting some more slide in, further down the line..... But any and all ideas and thought, most welcome guys....thanks https://soundcloud.com/binladeda/grandads-song/s-XJwRi
The suns going down
but I don't mind the view
My lifes been full
yours is brand new
I own my own problems
Live for the day
don't look to far forward
Its better that way
Sometimes better to be kind than right
Never forget to walk in snow late at night
On lifes long highway, love comes to a few
so dont brush it off, like the dust on your shoe
When I was younger
Thought I was free
Howled at the moon
Kept some bad company
My careless nature led me astray
Till I had lost sight of, what I have today
Love and beauty is better than gold
Try not to believe all the lies that you told
Treasure your friends
Forgive and stay true
Don't brush them off, like the dust on your shoe
Well sometimes, lifes problems
get too big, just for you
I hope you find someone, that you can talk too
cause love will pull through
Just remember, when you're travelling through
Count your friends, not your money
It's the right thing to do
Keeping life simple, was the best thing for me
You can't change the past, but the future is free
Open your heart, give love your best chance
And when you hear music, get up and dance
On lifes long highway, love comes to few
So don't brush it off, like the dust on your shoes
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Didn`t think i was going to like it,judging it on the title....some of these songs can get very sentimental...................but i was nicely surprised,another good song BIN.. ;)
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Grateful Dead's much missed lead singer rediscovered in England!
Seriously, this reminds me so much of something off "American Beauty". The vocals and that lovely squeezebox sound just make this incredible and then that slide comes in and I'm completely gone. I absolutely love this - it's on a repeat and I've played it 6 times straight. Can we have more slide please and some harmonies and maybe a little acoustic bass, a bit of Hammond B3, a dusting of tambourine.........Ooohherr........I've gone all funny.
Please keep at this but don't change the fundamentals of vocal, squeezebox, melody and lyrics.
(Goes off for a lie down in a dark room with a Bud)
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Didn`t think i was going to like it,judging it on the title....
Me too, I was expecting something a la Clive Dunn and the St Winifred's School Choir.....
But instead we got a cheeky little bowl of cullen-skink with splashes of Van Morrison, Grateful Dead and Paul McCartney - pah, what more could you want !!
From a melodic view, one change I would ask you to try out is on the verses, at the end of lines 2 and 4 (eg, "... yours is brand new") you could maybe flatten the "new" so the note trails off on a downward pattern...... this gives it a bit more emotion.
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Bin!
This is very listenable - I'm already looking forward to hearing it progress. Not sure I agree with jmacdon about the melody on lines 2 & 4 - it has a certain charm the way it is. Having said that, a but more variation wouldn't hurt.
I think the intro could be halved - seems a shame not to just get right into the song. Maybe make room for a little instrumental break before the section "just remember when you're travelling".
Love the Waterboys vibe on this arrangement Bin - quality stuff :)
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Very well put together, I enjoyed it very much and will look forward to watching it grow just like your on the way grandchild, my only suggestion on the lyric front is, "When you hear music get up and dance" is a great, great line and I would certainly use it more in the song, even as a hook line, if you don't..... I will!!! Well done.Terry.
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Dear God, I wasn't expecting that! The long intro where I can hear you miking up then... bang - a blooming fully fledged production kicks in.
What an accomplished and delightful song you have in your hands here, once you square up 'who's' doing what in terms of structure, hook etc.
The accordian introduces that beautiful hooky melody, which has lodged itself into my head. I can't work out if it's guitar or guitars, organs - the works - but whatever, they play so nicely together in that tight production of yours.
Love the voice and lyrics, a lot.
The verse melody is so dominant (the accordion melody that is). Consequently, the 'Sometimes better' phrasing sticks out as a bit wavering. If it's going to be a variation on the theme then let it be decisive, as it feels like you weren't sure about it - so I was lulled out of the happy altered state the intro and first verse got me into - and felt p*** about it.
I would actually add a contrast/bridge melody here - as it sounds like the accordion is the hook in this song, so you want a tease build up back into that melody - otherwise you dilute what is a very powerful hook.
Very, very promising. It left me feeling very happy.
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Great accordion, chord progression, melody and rhyme. really suits your voice too. Kind of Hawaiian feel to it. Like the dust line and the key change on 'sometimes'
Not sure I have anything to suggest, just don't lose the intimate and loose as you finish it.
Like your best songs they have an endless, cycical and timeless feel.
Well done BinClive
:)
Neil
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I reckon this will end up being your best work. Its not quite there yet but it has just so much damn potential.
the lyrics are a work of art. "Don't brush them off, like the dust on your shoe" is a very good line.
A couple of suggestions:
1. Pull the guitar down a bit in the mix to allow the vocals to punch through a bit better. Perhaps eq a hole in the vocal frequencies.
2. I would love to hear a mandolin tremelo in places, I just think it would suit this track and the instruments you have used perfectly.
3. For variation some soft strings in places could help to define sections a bit as well.
Absolutely loved this - the slide guitar is lovely and adding more will be a great addition. Will watch this song keenly as it develops.
Kudos to you mate.
Allan.
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it is simply beautiful, Bin
i just keep being amazed by all the music and music styles you have in you
super!!!!!
i think the lyrics are important on this one...so perhaps put them forward a bit, i think (look who is talking :P :P)
but the guitar and the vocal are competing to much volumewise / frequencywise
and the lyrics are beautiful and important on this!!!!!!
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man of all styles man! and all instruments accordian in there! sounds pretty much spot on production wise am sure the guys on here will tune you up on that front but some cracking little lyrics among this one! really nice song and am sure this be the first bit of music your grandkid will hear in september!
jesus then north korean training pops up in me headphones haha!
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Hey Bin!
What an arsenal of styles you have!
Lovely song mate, I'd agree with others on shortening the intro a bit, aside from that I think it's great.
Hope all goes well with the littlun' enjoy!
hab..
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Hi Bin...this is a lovely song...giving some wise advice to your grandchild through a song...what an awesome gift...I really like the lyrics and the melody hits the sweet spot for this kind of song...I love the accordion and slide guitar...the rhythmic guitar could come down in spots where you might want to make it more delicate...maybe some strings...I love the vocals and harmonies sound great...I don't know what else to suggest...it's really ace the way it is...can't wait to hear it polished 8)...thanks so much for sharing this song
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Hi guys, Thanks for all the encouragement and ideas. I'm hoping to get 'Our Flossie' :-* to do some harmonies on the next recording....and yes, more slide ;D ;D Also, going to have a look at defining the chorus and structure a bit more, by adding another instrument and re-working the lyrics a bit.......playing around with that at the moment. You've all been a tremendous help (as usual) and have given me 'food for thought', and confirmed some of the doubts I already had. Don't know when I'll be able to get the next recording of this done, as I'm trying to keep it a secret from my family until the baby arrives.....and I'm still being 'rationed', and on a strict regime, in as far as what/when/how much I can do in the shed, after my operation ::)....Anyway, I have a plan ;D ;D and will upadate this thread as it develops. Once again, thanks for listening, and giving me your valuable time in writing your comments. Love you all ;D ;D
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Bin - you never fail to impress me - pure heart and soul into everything you do ;D
Your voice is very like Van Morrison you know - and this sounds lyrically like VM as well
I think you could mix it a little better, get the guitar sitting nicer, find a space for all your parts but this is a WIP!
But man its one hell of a song - lyrically its on the bullseye - bittersweet and delivered with an aged growl that rams the theme home ;D
I think this is very beautiful indeed ;D
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Hey Bin, I've been meaning to write something about this for a while but always felt I couldn't do it justice in the time I had. Tonight I'm busy putting a lead break on two songs (one my own and another a friend's ... and that one's long overdue).
But I just had to let you know that I think this is right up there with the best new songs I've heard anywhere let alone on this forum. The lyric is a delight stuffed full of things I wish I'd written ;)
Hope all is good with the op. I am 8 months on from them poking around in me and I've never felt better! Feel like an 18 year old ... don't know any do you?
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Hi Bin,
This is great. The vocal is fantastic. I like the lack slushiness in the lyrics; that cautionary tale meets embrace life philosophy - value the things that matter, the rest are baubles.
Musically - i too get Van Morrsison and may be some Pogues.
I don't think there's much I'd alter - a little tightening of screws here and there - but not too much as it has a great vibe.
Cheers,
Digger
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Firstly I need to apologise for my delay in reviewing this utterly gorgeous song.
I wish you would go in to a studio and get someone to produce you. It would be awesome Is there any instrument you can't play? Your voice is really special.
I just love this song Bin.
The message is wonderful.
I honestly think out of everyone on this forum, you are the most talented, versatile songwriter and musician on here. You just need a bit of discipline!!!!!
Love
an admirer ;)
x
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You just need a bit of discipline!!!!!
Oooerrr....is that an offer ;D ;D ;D xxx....just knew I was going to have some fun, once I'd figured out this text thing ;D ;D ;D
Thanks again guys for all your kind words....btw, it's a boy ;D ;D trying to get them to call him Rock, but am meeting with resistance.....his name would be Rock Wild ;D ;D ;D
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what a cool name....
for some reason, i always suspected your last name was not "Ladeda"
what if we would form a choir of songwriters to back this track up...only in the refrains / choruses
i bet Flossie is willing to participate ;D ;D ;D ;D
i am, to mix the choir (i can't sing myself)
seriously it is a song where you could a sort of huge choir behind Bin in the choruses would work or
just selected repeating lines...
sort of a welcome to the world from an army of songwriters for a future songwriter
sorry Bin, just a thought ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
but yes, this is a lovely song, you master every genre, from out of space, heavy to sweet and serious
you master it all
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Hi forumites, i thought i might as well bounce this one up....as the moment start to near that Bin is becoming a grandfather (sorry, Bin ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D)
but in particular because it is such a excellent (and sweet) song, perhaps the newer forumites are intersted in this song
i wish you well, Bin, and yes, there is no such thing as privacy on the internet ::) ::) still i hope you are not going to tell all you know about me :P :P :P :P :P :P
take care!
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Since Bin has become a grandfather just now....i am bouncing this song up, i see Dutchbeat already tried that, but much too early (very bad timing once again, Dutchbeat ;D)
CONGRATULATIONS BIN!!!!
I hope you will able to still rock like you did before you became a grandfather ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Since Bin has become a grandfather just now....i am bouncing this song up, i see Dutchbeat already tried that, but much too early (very bad timing once again, Dutchbeat ;D)
CONGRATULATIONS BIN!!!!
I hope you will able to still rock like you did before you became a grandfather ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Too cool 8) Congrats Bin...born on the same day as my daughter was :) :) did he/she come out rocking :) :) CS
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hey grandad this is triffic!
its realy loveley ...i always loved your voice..this has got a big rod stewart vibe i think ..probly bcos he had so many wives he had to write a whole lot of grandchild songs!
the verses were the best ...but maybe it got a bit to busy in the choruses ???
anyway im much to young to have grandchildren so i will leave it up to you how you do it
...it s bloody good anyway! :)
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Thanks Tina :-*
As for grandchildren....your turn is on its way ;D
xx
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yeah but when it happens i probly wont get a look in......if id had daughters it would be a diffrent story id be seeing the babies evry day.....i ll probly only get invited round whenever the mums mum cant make it....