[shortwhat]

Okay so this is a 3-sectioned song, but most of the emphasis is on the 3rd section so It'd be awesome if I could get feedback on that... it starts with a slowish but not too sad verse section, then it speeds up to a repeated riff and a solo, the second part of the lyrics would be sung over the riff, then after the solo it'd go to a different rhythm and the last 4 verses would be sang/shouted over it, this is supposed to be super depressing and sad and whatever, and the structure is how it's supposed to be according to what I've got planned... The last 2 songs I've posted have been completely looked past so hopefully I can get some feedback because as we all know it's super helpful<3

You Hurt Me:

(section 1)

I'm sorry if I hurt you
Half as much as you hurt me
I learned from all the nights without you
Nobody cares if your hurting until you’re hurting yourself

I’m sorry if I hurt you
Half as much as you hurt me
Because it feels like I’m the dirt on your shoes
The scar on your wrist
But you don’t realise that you are every single red mark on my skin

(section 2)

I thought I’d let you know
Yeah you deserve to know
(I tried to forget you like I forgot how to breathe)
(Yeah I’ve been trying not to hate you after everything you did to me)
[repeat x2]

(section 3)

I’m so fed up of all the love notes that you tied around my throat
It hurts my head to think about you with somebody else and I’ll choke
On all the happy thoughts I used to think when I thought life was fair
Because now I scream your name at night in hopes that one day you’ll care

I’m sick to death of saying I’m okay when I really want to die
My heart is throbbing at the memory of when I thought you were mine
You slipped through my fingers like an anchor now your layed out on my neck
Yeah I will waste away and rot so I can wait for you again

You hold my tongue just like a trophy whilst I’m kneeling at your feet
Your lips are inviting but I know I’ll soon be kicking up the street
Like old carpet in attempts to show you just how much you mean to me
To me, the hopeless boy who fell in love over a fucking dream

I hope you write me off before I try to look at you the same
As I did a year ago, because I don’t think I could take the fucking pain
My arms are shaking like the leaves of all the trees we carved our names
But the next thing with my name on it will probably be a grave

[PeeJay]

Hi,

I think you have some good lines in this.

It has an unusual structure but maybe it works with what you have in mind.  I'm no expert on that.

You say it's meant to be depressing and sad. Many people can find these qualities off putting. Perhaps that is why it's been overlooked.

Phil.

[Vintage54]

          Hey!
             This is just average for me, but the potential to be really good, or great, is not that far away. Just a little more thought is needed, and some cutting here and there. Hope i'm not coming across as  too negative, i only want to encourage. Don't stop writing, and never be discouraged. Onwards and upwards.

                                 Vintage54 

[shortwhat]

thanks guys I was sure it was something I was doing that was causing my writes to be overlooked, I just had no idea what, so thanks for telling me so I can improve I'll have a look over this and try and improve it some... 

[marcusmagnus22]

I think the last section of the song is brilliant especially. Those last two lines are wonderful!

Marcus

[shortwhat]

Thanks Actually originally the song was gonna be just the last section, but I decided it was way too short with the way I played it, I just really spent not enough time on the rest it seems 

[tomcrocus]

Hi shortwhat,
                   i'm hearing this as a type of grunge/heavy song and that's
fine with me,it's obvious you've put a lot of thought and effort into this
song and well done,respect to you man,
                                                       tom.