[irwin]

Hi everyone, I am kindly asking for your feedback on my song lyric. I have rewritten this song so many times and this is what it looks like now.
 
You Got Me Singing This Song
©2014 Irwin abrigo
-
(verse 1)
You told me I was the guy
you've been looking for
And as the days follow the nights
We will be rapped up in each other's arms
You said your love was true
And it will never die
Now you're gone
leaving me and I
-
(Lift)
In my bed I can't sleep at nights
Thinking of the things we use to do
Pretending you're here holding my pillow tight
You're not by my side
-
(Chorus)
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong
I have a broken heart and you're the cause
I'm standing here right now singing this song
-
(verse 2)
Remember gifts we'd exchanged
Loved that we had shared
And when we were alone that night
Held hands for the first time in the moonlight
We looked up to the skies
And saw the stars above
Said they shined
Just for two of us
-
(Lift
When we kissed I felted you loved me
You said our love was meant to be
Completely confessed heard you found someone new
I'm in love with you
-
(Chorus
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong
I have a broken heart and you're the cause
I'm standing here right now singing this song
-
(Bridge)
You got me singing this song
You got me singing this sad song
In front of this crowd
You got me singing this song
-
(Chorus)
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong
I have a broken heart and you're the cause
I'm standing here right now singing this song
(Repeat)

[vladimir]

This is awesome man!
I like reading lyrics like this.
It's very peaceful. I like your style Irwin. Good song.

[Carbor]

Hi, Irwin
 
Your lyric is coming along. Made a few suggestions below you can use or lose as you see fit.

Good Luck!  


Carbor






You Got Me Singing This Song
©2014 Irwin abrigo
-
(verse 1)
You told me I was the guy
you've been looking for
And as the days follow the nights
We will be rapped up in each other's arms
You said your love was true
And it will never die
Now you're gone
leaving me and I ----------------- The rhyme with 'die' sounds forced.  Maybe, 'Leaving me to cry'
-
(Lift)
In my bed I can't sleep at nights------night
Thinking of the things we use to do
Pretending you're here holding my pillow tight------- Why not holding the singer tight?(suggestion below)
Pretending you're holding me
You're not by my side -----Your love could get me through

(Chorus)
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong----I'm performing for you this song
I have a broken heart and you're the cause ----Standing here with a broken heart
I'm standing here right now singing this song-------It's hard to move along
-
(verse 2)
Remember gifts we'd exchanged
Loved that we had shared
And when we were alone that night
Held hands for the first time in the moonlight
We looked up to the skies
And saw the stars above
Said they shined
Just for two of us
-
(Lift
When we kissed I felted you loved me
You said our love was meant to be
Completely confessed heard you found someone new
I'm in love with you
-
(Chorus
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong
I have a broken heart and you're the cause
I'm standing here right now singing this song
-
(Bridge)-------------------------------Contemplate a new bridge putting a new angle on things.
We know he sings the song and he's sad and he's performing to a crowd, his feelings of heartbreak. Perhaps you could elaborate and tell us about this mystery person and what made that individual so special to the singer.

-
(Chorus)
Where ever you are my darling
Near or far I'm performing, my love is strong
I have a broken heart and you're the cause
I'm standing here right now singing this song
(Repeat)
[/quote]

[Nellie]

Hiii! I liked reading this. I think it's a very nice, ''this is how I feel'' song. I loved chorus the most. I think it's very catchy and has a nice flow. It's just an amazing break up song! I'm interested in how it would sound with music. You did a great job and I cannot wait to hear it when it's completely done!

[diademgrove]

Hi Irwin,

a couple of times in the first verse you've used the present tense rather than the past. Confused me a little but I still got the meaning. I may be being a little pedantic.

I'd change me and I to "me with I", another way of saying on my own.

I don't like the words "Near or far I'm performing". Not sure what you could replace them with. The reason is anyone can sing but not everybody can perform. It puts a barrier between you and your audience. Same with "In front of this crowd". To highlight your loneliness you could put "In front of my mirror".

If you disagree please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

Apart from this I think its a very good set of lyrics.

Keith

[sephsleft06]

for the bridge,
if you did a 'what if'....where is this girl (the person the song is about) right now, and what is she doing? who is she with?
or a future...perspective....''If I ever see you again......I'll be....etc''

just a suggestions...)

[Kevin j]

there's a few small things I'd change,
firstly with the verses, they both have different rhyming patterns between them, and the ''it will never die'' ''leaving me and I'' rhyme just feels a bit forced to me, i would rather something like ''leaving me raw'' or something.
I think with those verses either have the same pattern, or none at all, because personally, the in between doesn't work for me.

with the chorus I think you should take carbor's suggestion, because right now it feels a bit stiff.

That's just me, and I'm not really old enough or experienced enough to be giving advice really
I hope this helps

[benjo]

 HEY IRWIN

 i like your style and the feel of this
 you've been given some real good feed back on this
 and i do agree with quite a bit of it
 so i'm not about to confuse you with more
 but its obvious by your writing that you are learning your trade well

          GOOD LUCK

[Channy21]

I like this song as it's really catchy. When I read it I thought it was interesting.

[irwin]

This is awesome man!
I like reading lyrics like this.
It's very peaceful. I like your style Irwin. Good song.

Hi Vladimir, Thank you very much for seeing my song lyric peaceful. Glad you like my writing style.

Irwin

[irwin]

Hi Carbor, Thanks very much for the suggestions you have given about my song lyric, I have been thinking about them the whole time and I will be thinking about them in the days ahead.

Thank you so much for taking time focusing and commenting on my song lyric. I appreciated it.

Irwin

[jonpromos]

Great details and expression of your feelings and of the relationship. Good job with that.

However, if English is not your main language, i would recommend using colloquial and leave it to the readers/listeners to figure out what you mean. Because there's so much more personality, style, feeling, and emotion, that could only be transmitted through colloquial English. I've made myself use colloquial to add more dimension to my lyrics.

[irwin]

Hiii! I liked reading this. I think it's a very nice, ''this is how I feel'' song. I loved chorus the most. I think it's very catchy and has a nice flow. It's just an amazing break up song! I'm interested in how it would sound with music. You did a great job and I cannot wait to hear it when it's completely done!

Hi Nellie, Thank you for the reply I really would like to work with someone who plays music to completely this song. Glad you like my song lyric.

Irwin

[irwin]

Keith,  --- Thanks for the reply, and no....I can not disagree nor ignore your suggestions. I appreciate them all.


 Sephsleft06,  --- Thanks a lot for your suggestions too it is always good to get some feedback.


 Kevin j,  ----   thanks very much for your input I will look into the  "the in between" the lines (good point)


Banjo,   ---   glad you like my style,  I am working on learning my trade to be the best I can be as a songwriter. Thanks for observing.

 
Channy21,   ---- Thanks for reading my song lyric, I appreciate it.


Jonpromos,     ------ Thank you for taking the time to read and understanding the details and expression of the feelings and of the relationship I want to get across in my song lyric.
Thank you for recommending using colloquial, I check it out and found that was very interesting.