The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on February 22, 2018, 03:08:35 PM
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Hi all, well I've noticed it does seem easier to write downbeat songs as I get older, :( maybe too much occupied with adversities of love and life. So I started the New Year trying to redress the balance and write a couple of more positive songs. This is the second less 'miserable' one. Positive, but not jolly! So the therapy is kind of working! ;)
I have also tried to do something different in the mid break section of this one, incorporating a bit of poetry by Shakespeare! I'd be interested to hear how that works for you, as well as more general impressions you might have about the song itself. Thanks!
Michael A
Lyrics:
Poetry
I watch over when you’re sleeping
You always quickly drift away
As a rhythm or a rhyme
Breathing steadily in time
To gentle dreams you stray
I watch over when you’re sleeping
Are you conjuring poetry?
Not in verses you might sing
But instead in everything
This life you make for me
CHORUS:
Thank you for the poetry
Which as you sleep, oh I can see
You made me whole again
Thank you for the poetry
It’s just the way you are with me
I found my soul again
Because of you
I watch over when you’re sleeping
Makes me think of poems of old
Perfect words describing you
Perfect words that would be true
To paint a heart of gold
INTERLUDE: Sonnet 18, excerpt – by William Shakespeare
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date
And every fair from fair sometime declines
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see
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Hi Micheala,
Lovely song, flows along really nice. Vocal a bit wobbly in places but it sits nice and has a nice tone also portrays the right emotion. Nice work there dude.
Oh and harmonies work nice too.
Watch that bass tuning tho, threw me off in places.
Great song matey, nice work.
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Nice song, keeps being interesting all the way, some nice harmonies, and the strings are very effective, I particularly like the section with the Shakespeare excerpt, it makes the song.
Mikey
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I hate comparisons but the vulnerable vocal, the strings and the line about watching someone sleeping immediately took me back to John Otway and "Geneve".
That said, this is clever and original and finds a new way to say it (very hard to do in a happy song!).
Highlights for me are V1 - the drifting off is a very personal and real detail - makes me understand and relate. The heart of gold is nice but less effective as it's more generic and doesn't convey your individual feelings in the same way. And the chorus works too - "thank you for the music poetry". Quite catchy stuff.
I found it a little on the long side (inevitable with that poetry break) - so I would bring in the harmony vocal earlier maybe even in the first chorus and keep using the strings for additional build. You should fix the bass notes - or remove later and have bass strings.
Enjoyed it!
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Thanks for the comments folks, mostly good so far! Great!
@Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) , cheers yes, I will be revisiting that bassline.
@Mikey (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20986) thanks for giving me some pos feedback on the poem reading, which is obviously a bit of a risk to try! ;)
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) thanks, I had forgotten about John Otway, but have just looked him up on YouTube - and see he is very entertaining these days! It was interesting how you related to the more personal observations in the lyrics rather than more general - which is something for me to keep in mind. & re the length, there are 2 verses before the first chorus. If I had to ever do a radio ready version I guess I would cut the first verse, or edit v1 and v2 into one. But as I don't have these production constraints to battle with, well I let the song run its natural narrative course - although your ideas are useful too, so thanks for the detailed input! ;D
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hi micheal..
atmospheric & moving song
love the melody and the character tone of your voice..
stands out
including the shakespeare is either inspired or a curse but thoroughly enjoyed it
welcome to the forum
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Lots to like here. Fabulous use of melody, catchy poetry chorus lines, clever stuff. I was engaged throughout, too. Loved it when the harmonies came in. Was a lovely listen :) cx
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Hi,
I took a listen and really enjoyed your song.
After a few listens i have a few thoughts on how you could possibly improve and strengthen your song.
Below are your lyrics and in bold text beneath each lyric section in your verses i will include slightly different lyric ideas said in a more conversational way. I also added lyrics for the chorus section.
What i mean by this is... if we were sat in a coffee shop having a normal conversation face to face etc. The lyrics would still be telling the same story but would be more direct/personal if that makes sense which i think would suit the songs sentiment better imo.
Ok here we go.....
Lyrics:
Poetry
I watch over when you’re sleeping
You always quickly drift away
As a rhythm or a rhyme
Breathing steadily in time
To gentle dreams you stray
I watch over you when your sleeping
it's something that i like to do
i love to hear the sound of you breathing
as you fall into your dreams
I watch over when you’re sleeping
Are you conjuring poetry?
Not in verses you might sing
But instead in everything
This life you make for me
as I watch over you when your sleeping
i hope that all your dreams come true
if there's a song i hope your singing
cos i know that's what you love to do
CHORUS:
Thank you for the poetry
Which as you sleep, oh I can see
You made me whole again
It's just like poetry to me
to see you following your dreams
there's nothing more i want for you
sweet dreams my angel
i love you
Thank you for the poetry
It’s just the way you are with me
I found my soul again
Because of you
I watch over when you’re sleeping
Makes me think of poems of old
Perfect words describing you
Perfect words that would be true
To paint a heart of gold
They are just lyrical ideas to consider to strengthen/bring out your songs sentiment/message more.
Nice song.
Johnny :)
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Thanks @Cazrolina (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20891) and @nooms (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=11264) for the positive feedback, helps me keep my chin up for sure! ;)
@Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) you obviously take reviewing songs seriously and that is to be commended. But I did find it a bit much however to see my lyrics rewritten by you so comprehensively. If you had simply said something like 'I think the lyrics could have been more conversational in style' I think that would have sufficed as fair comment.
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Hi,
You said...
@Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) you obviously take reviewing songs seriously and that is to be commended. But I did find it a bit much however to see my lyrics rewritten by you so comprehensively. If you had simply said something like 'I think the lyrics could have been more conversational in style' I think that would have sufficed as fair comment.
[/quote]
I am sorry for the confusion. I did not re write your lyrics for you. What i did was give you examples of how you can move your lyrical ideas forward to get the strongest lyrical lines for your song. If you are happy with your lyrics as they are then you should stick with them 100%
At the very end of my original response to you i did say...
They are just lyrical ideas to consider to strengthen/bring out your songs sentiment/message more.
Nice song.
Johnny
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@Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) , thank you but I am not confused. Generally writers on here will welcome opinions from others on how to improve aspects of a song. I certainly do. But redrafting whole chunks of lyrics to make a point is probably less welcome, as that assumes the original writer needs their hand holding to this extent. It is just patronising in my view.
But please don't reply here if you have to say more, so as not to contaminate the thread further. You can PM me if you feel the need (not that I want you to).
However, I know your original post was well-meaning and kindly offering advice, so let's just leave it at that.
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@Johnnyuk (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21771) , thank you but I am not confused. Generally writers on here will welcome opinions from others on how to improve aspects of a song. I certainly do. But redrafting whole chunks of lyrics to make a point is probably less welcome, as that assumes the original writer needs their hand holding to this extent. It is just patronising in my view.
But please don't reply here if you have to say more, so as not to contaminate the thread further. You can PM me if you feel the need (not that I want you to).
However, I know your original post was well-meaning and kindly offering advice, so let's just leave it at that.
Hi MicahelA
What a lovely song, I'll agree to the John Otway vocal comparison.
I found the melody line very catchy, but (and I hope you don't mind, since you posted it to a songwriters forum) I found the tuning of your lead vocal drifts a bit, so as another artist that has that issue, you might consider a piece of software that can assist with this, it's called Celemony Melodyne.
Regards
cpm
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Thanks @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) , my vocal accuracy is a frustrating issue for me, so thanks for that suggestion. I will check it out. Even better if I could learn to sing better in the first place! ;)
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Your singing is fine, i.e. the passion, the dynamics, it's just a bit 'free spirited', it's nothing that can't be fixed. It's a good idea to practise singing in tune, like any instrument the more you practise (and not just sing, have a purpose to your paractise) the better you'll be, like Gary Player once said, the more I practise, the luckier I get. Your songs are great to.
Regards
cpm
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Hi Micahel, let me know when you've sorted the Vox out...using your magic wand...
regards
cpm