[JackHalkabar]

Hi i'm Jack,

Here is my latest song, basically this is my second song that i actually recorded... anyway, I'm happy to see comments and critiques...

Copyright © 2012 Jack Halkabar

lyrics:

i miss you girl i miss your smile
i loved you just the way you are
i can't belive that you are gone
but i guess i'll have to move on

since things didn't work out between us
we were like kinda killing each other
don't know if it's nessesery,
but i think i'm gonna have to say this:

we're not gonna be friend not anymore
i'm not gonna hate you but you have to know
it isn't easy and it's not gonna be
but a part of me says i will have to belive that

someday i'll find a girl
someday i'll lought it out and
someday i'll say i'm fine
someday i'll wish you the best
(someday i'll wish you the best)

since things didn't work out between us
we were like kinda killing each other
don't know if it's nessesery,
but i think i'm gonna have to say this:

we're not gonna be friend not anymore
i'm not gonna hate you but you have to know
it isn't easy and it's not gonna be
but a part of me says i will have to belive that

someday i'll find a girl
someday i'll lought it out and
someday i'll say i'm fine
someday i'll wish you the best
(someday i'll wish you the best)

i miss you girl i miss your smile
i loved you just the way you are
i can't belive that you are gone
but i guess i'll have to move on

[nooms]

hi Jack H
something of the trex/marc bolan about the vocals
track sounds menacing and threatens action but needs a strong payoff..
arrangment gets a little confusiing in places, a decent positive drum track would help tie it up , and at present its all on one level ...build a hill in there, climb it and slide back down into the verse with all guns blazing...
all the best, nooms

[Songsmith]

Hi Jack & welcome,

the guitar is fine but as Nooms has said it needs a kick as it keeps getting stuck a bit for me. Bringing in a good driving drum beat to carry it would help. 

[bewarethisboy]

Like it. But as previously mentioned, it needs a bit more drive - a drum that punctuates and extenuates parts of the lyric perhaps - more of a lead drum instrument than just a rhythm. I like the riff wonder if it might benefit from just raising the tempo a smidge. But overall I can see this being a strong song as part of a set - live I think it could really work - T Rex meets Hawkwind – bands from long ago, long before you even born I suspect. But the sound is yours and I like it lots for that. BTB

[andy5544]

there's good potential there ,
in places the lyrics seem a bit squashed in , and maybe a stronger drum track would be good , and some dirty lead guitar , liking the voice , cool.

[Schavuitje]

Hiya
Would agree with what's been said so far. Lots of potential but it needs those builds and climax's in there.

[cheff daniel]

i like it. its a little messy and datet perhaps but with all the suggestions above it can grow to a very nice song.


gr.   Dan

[Dutchbeat]

Very Darkkkkkkkk, scarey and ok!

but agree with the others, would be very nice if the drum could start 'flowing' at a certain point