The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Gwyneth Rose on April 17, 2014, 03:23:56 PM
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;D ;D ;D Had fun composing this. What genre do you think? I'd appreciate any suggs and help in improving this lyric. Thanks in advance :D
Chorus
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s only gossip baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll feel heaven baby
Just surrender to my kiss
V1
I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I’m single and sexy
I’m prowling around
I’m on the lookout
Hunting for a man
He’s got to be rich
You understand?
V2
Looks don’t matter
Could be young or old
I’m not real fussy
If the truth be told
He can be big and strong
And not very healthy
All I need to know is
Is the man wealthy?
Chorus
V3
It seems that I go
For the accident prone
Planted four husbands
In the cold ground
The law suspected foul play
They didn’t like the sound
Died from unknown causes
But no evidence was found
V4
They call me the Black Widow
They’d like to put me away
There are whispers in town
But it’s only hearsay….
Tonight I’m dressed to kill
Sitting at my table alone
Looking for my next lover
He’ll get a nice tombstone
Chorus out
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hey
I can imagine you had fun writing this :D
I think it's well written, not any obvious and overused rhymes etc.
the only line that struck me and I didn't really like was the last of verse 4 "he'll get a nice tombstone" I'd change it to "and another tombstone" that would hint at previous tombstones and you'd also have the assonance of "another" with "lover" from the line before
all the best
EE
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Hiiii! I think you're very talented!! I loved reading this and think it would be a fun, catchy song. Also liked the rhyme, very good and entertaining! Well done! :)
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For genre recommendation, Pretty Reckless. That ought to be a genre. Someone get Taylor Momsen in here 8) Could also see a Fit for Rivals (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGa8YhN-CmU) tint, though. I think they're currently in my sig, too.
As for the song, it's really well put-together, structurally. No loose ends, no dodgy rhymes, no rhymes put in there just for the sake of them, it gets both story and character across well. Not much more you could ask of it on that front. The description and tone is pretty care-free but certainly doesn't feel lacking at all. In fact it adds a lot, being done in such a style.
One relatively minor thing, the sudden change from 'oh it's only gossip' talking to her partner to 'yep I kill people' talking to the listener. Not sure how you could get around that, but you don't really need to as it works just fine as it is. People will only really notice that if they inspect the lyrics like we are ;D
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Hi Gwyneth,
my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.
Feel free to ignore if you disagree.
diadem
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Another nice write Gwyneth Rose :)
Some nice lines in there and you haven't overly used rhymes either.
Well done :)
Peppermint
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hey
I can imagine you had fun writing this :D
I think it's well written, not any obvious and overused rhymes etc.
the only line that struck me and I didn't really like was the last of verse 4 "he'll get a nice tombstone" I'd change it to "and another tombstone" that would hint at previous tombstones and you'd also have the assonance of "another" with "lover" from the line before
all the best
EE
Hi EE
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it LOL Thanks for the suggs will consider that.
Cheers
G
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Hiiii! I think you're very talented!! I loved reading this and think it would be a fun, catchy song. Also liked the rhyme, very good and entertaining! Well done! :)
Hi N
;D ;D ;D Thanks so much for the rave. I really enjoyed composing it hehehe
Cheers
G
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For genre recommendation, Pretty Reckless. That ought to be a genre. Someone get Taylor Momsen in here 8) Could also see a Fit for Rivals (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGa8YhN-CmU) tint, though. I think they're currently in my sig, too.
As for the song, it's really well put-together, structurally. No loose ends, no dodgy rhymes, no rhymes put in there just for the sake of them, it gets both story and character across well. Not much more you could ask of it on that front. The description and tone is pretty care-free but certainly doesn't feel lacking at all. In fact it adds a lot, being done in such a style.
One relatively minor thing, the sudden change from 'oh it's only gossip' talking to her partner to 'yep I kill people' talking to the listener. Not sure how you could get around that, but you don't really need to as it works just fine as it is. People will only really notice that if they inspect the lyrics like we are ;D
Hi James,
Thanks for the fantastic review ;D ;D ;D I really can see how "Your Worst Mistake - Fit for Rivals" would resonate with you for this song. I totally agree, would be a great fit ... the style and the direction ;D
Yes... The "sudden change" ;D ;D hopefully the audience won't notice hehehe
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Hi Gwyneth,
my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.
Feel free to ignore if you disagree.
diadem
Hi D,
Thanks for the suggs, I like it, but don't you think that last line is the best? The twist that makes people smile ;D ;D
I'll definately consider it though - thanks again.
Cheers
G
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Another nice write Gwyneth Rose :)
Some nice lines in there and you haven't overly used rhymes either.
Well done :)
Peppermint
Hi P,
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed ;D.
I was wondering about a slight change in the chorus:-
Ch
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
That I spin a dangerous web
That no man resists
But it’s only gossip baby
And I’ll promise you this
If you want to feel heaven baby
Than just surrender.... to my kiss
(Was just singing this chorus compared to my inital one and I don't know, it sings bewtter to me. What do you think?
Cheers
G
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Send me a p.m. with an e-mail address and I'll e-mail you a song I just finished called "Trust Me" that begins, "Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly."
Very similar in subject and tone. Just thought you might be interested.
Also, if you're interested, I'll send you a link to a song by Stephanie Andreaus called "Cannibals and Lovers" that I wrote the lyrics to.
They don't actually relate to your song.... but both are interestingly similar.
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Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul
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Hi Gwyneth,
my only suggestion would be to remove the last line of the fourth verse and have it replaced by silence followed by a louder chorus. Maybe alter the words slightly to You know I'm the Black Widow, etc.
Feel free to ignore if you disagree.
diadem
Hi D,
Thanks for the suggs, I like it, but don't you think that last line is the best? The twist that makes people smile ;D ;D
I'll definately consider it though - thanks again.
Cheers
G
Hi Gwyneth,
I like the mystery of the riddle, did she, didn't she? I feel the last line shows that she did kill them. Silence leaves the riddle unsolved. Altogether a better way to end the song for me. I realise that what I like isn't too everybody's taste so feel free to ignore my suggestion if you like what you've written.
As to the chorus, I like the first version, it comes across as more direct.
diadem
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I've said before that the only way I can review a lyric is to try putting it to music. I tried a sort of swing-ballad type thing with this one. I've no idea where you're going with this and I don't usually read other people's comments before throwing my own in but, on the rare occasions that I write with a lyricist I tend to want a lot of changes and that does not always go down well hence the 'lone wolf' approach to songwriting. Rather than waffle on let me show you what happened to your lyric when it hit my guitar!
So, it ended up like this;
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s just talk my baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll be mine
I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I Know I look sexy
as I prowl around
I’m on the lookout
For a man who's rich
to put in the ground
I didn't go any further 'cos I figure you've already slapped my face! I liked the 'heaven' line even though I cut it. I was thinking it could be used later. Verse one now sounds more like a middle eight to me and the chorus is more a verse but hey! it's so easy to mess up someone else's work! Actually, when I listened to it played back I didn't like what I'd done ... https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/black-widow/s-FAnYl (that a private not public recording)
I realise I have been very rude with your work but I rather hope you like it. Either way it was fun for me too!
Oh! this was supposed to be a review wasn't it? ... Yeah I like what you've done. Good basis for a musician to work with. A nice cheeky bit of dark humour
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I really like this one-its dark but quite tongue in cheek at the same time. For some reason when reading this I couldn't get 'You're so vain'by Carly Simon out of my head- I dunno why but seemed to me this would suit a similar vibe.
I think the lyric is really well written and has stopped it from becoming blatantly sinister.As it is the lyric has a perfect blend of tongue in cheek and insinuation. Loving the lines about going for the accident prone and not liking the verdict of death by natural causes.
Such a good write that I'd love to hear this one developed. Part of me is intrigued to see how you move it forward from being a lyric to a song as this one is versatile and can go in almost any direction genre wise! :)
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Hi V
Thanks so much for the kind offer. Really appreciate it, but I'm really sold on Jame's "Your worst mistake" melody and vocals. It's absolutely perfect for this lyric. My mind is made up ;D
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Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul
Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G
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[/quote]
Hi Gwyneth,
I like the mystery of the riddle, did she, didn't she? I feel the last line shows that she did kill them. Silence leaves the riddle unsolved. Altogether a better way to end the song for me. I realise that what I like isn't too everybody's taste so feel free to ignore my suggestion if you like what you've written.
As to the chorus, I like the first version, it comes across as more direct.
diadem
[/quote]
LOL Hi D
This really is no riddle at all!!! Everyone knows she's gonna do it hehehe. I like the way you think and also love to love something to the imagination at the end, but in this case it's really obvious :-) Thanks my friend again :-)
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I've said before that the only way I can review a lyric is to try putting it to music. I tried a sort of swing-ballad type thing with this one. I've no idea where you're going with this and I don't usually read other people's comments before throwing my own in but, on the rare occasions that I write with a lyricist I tend to want a lot of changes and that does not always go down well hence the 'lone wolf' approach to songwriting. Rather than waffle on let me show you what happened to your lyric when it hit my guitar!
So, it ended up like this;
They say I’m a black widow
With a venomous kiss
Spin a dangerous web
That no man can resist
But it’s just talk my baby
And I’ll promise you this
You’ll be mine
I’m dressed to kill
Just arrived in town
I Know I look sexy
as I prowl around
I’m on the lookout
For a man who's rich
to put in the ground
I didn't go any further 'cos I figure you've already slapped my face! I liked the 'heaven' line even though I cut it. I was thinking it could be used later. Verse one now sounds more like a middle eight to me and the chorus is more a verse but hey! it's so easy to mess up someone else's work! Actually, when I listened to it played back I didn't like what I'd done ... https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/black-widow/s-FAnYl (that a private not public recording)
I realise I have been very rude with your work but I rather hope you like it. Either way it was fun for me too!
Oh! this was supposed to be a review wasn't it? ... Yeah I like what you've done. Good basis for a musician to work with. A nice cheeky bit of dark humour
Hi S T
LOL - Rude? If this is rude, than be as rude as you please LOL. This is lovely really!! And if I was going for a ballad type delivery than this would be it for sure. What I want for this lyric is something like this (James first choice) hehe, I think it's very suited to my lyric, vampy, sexy, fast and loud. But thanks so much for this and I can see you had some fun with it hehehe. Thanks also for the great review. Really appreciate the time and effort you took with it.
Cheers
G
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hey nice
really nice tale in here and I to like the did she didn't she feel it gives
I think any genre would be ok but maybe dark metal with female singer
in a black wedding dress / funeral dress one dress for both ha ha getting carried away now
good writing keep it up
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Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul
Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G
Oops - silly me - I read Genre as Gender haha. Yeah - go bluesy country rock with some vocal attitude sprinkled in should work. Good luck with this!
Paul
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I really like this one-its dark but quite tongue in cheek at the same time. For some reason when reading this I couldn't get 'You're so vain'by Carly Simon out of my head- I dunno why but seemed to me this would suit a similar vibe.
I think the lyric is really well written and has stopped it from becoming blatantly sinister.As it is the lyric has a perfect blend of tongue in cheek and insinuation. Loving the lines about going for the accident prone and not liking the verdict of death by natural causes.
Such a good write that I'd love to hear this one developed. Part of me is intrigued to see how you move it forward from being a lyric to a song as this one is versatile and can go in almost any direction genre wise! :)
Hi Sing4me
Thanks so much for the great review , happy that you enjoyed it LOL yes..... it's really "on the edge" hehehe, Well I have 2 musos in mind that I think might like a stab at it. The one is in Scotland who is really excellent and the other guy is in Greece. So I've sent it to both asking if they'd like to take it on. Just hope only one wants it otherwise I might be in trouble LOL. Definately will put it up on the completed songs section when done.
Cheers
G
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Hi Gwyneth
Nice job on this!
I really liked the twist at the end - I thought maybe "He'll like his tombstone" or similar might work too.. I would stick with a female singer as that builds on the well known expression "Black Widow"
Good write!
Paul
Hi P
Thanks so much for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, I need a real vampy, strong ,female vocalist for this lyric.
Cheers
G
Oops - silly me - I read Genre as Gender haha. Yeah - go bluesy country rock with some vocal attitude sprinkled in should work. Good luck with this!
Paul
Hey Paul,
Thanks for the sugg. I think that would be pretty cool ;D
Someone else suggested that she should be dressed in a Black Wedding/Funeral dress when singing this hehehehehe - pretty cool suggestion
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Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.
He can be big and strong
And not very healthy
to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy
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Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.
He can be big and strong
And not very healthy
to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy
Hi Gwyneth,
they made sense to me. Told me, no matter how big or strong he is, he's not very healthy when he meets the Black Widow.
As to your post about things being obvious. Yes the punch line may be obvious, doesn't mean you have to deliver it though.
On something totally different. I think I'm a bass line away from the Sorceress. Maybe I'll have something to put up next weekend.
diadem
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FWIW.... it does, in fact sing easier the way Shinythang re-did it.
I "review" lyrics by singing them. This flows very well the way "shinythang" has done it.
That's a positive side effect of setting it to music, even if you don't end up liking how the music sounds.
Of course, it also restricts the next person who tries to set it to music. Some of the best stuff I've ever done resisted "flowing" when I sang it and held out until I had found a very dramatic and unique pattern to sing it to.
Songwriting can be a bit of a crap shoot.
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Ooooooo Just realised these 2 lines did'nt read too well together ;and have fixed it up.
He can be big and strong
And not very healthy
to
He can be big and strong
Or not very healthy
Hi Gwyneth,
they made sense to me. Told me, no matter how big or strong he is, he's not very healthy when he meets the Black Widow.
As to your post about things being obvious. Yes the punch line may be obvious, doesn't mean you have to deliver it though.
On something totally different. I think I'm a bass line away from the Sorceress. Maybe I'll have something to put up next weekend.
diadem
Good lol
Thats true enough D
Yaaaaay!!! Thats brilliant news :-)
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FWIW.... it does, in fact sing easier the way Shinythang re-did it.
I "review" lyrics by singing them. This flows very well the way "shinythang" has done it.
That's a positive side effect of setting it to music, even if you don't end up liking how the music sounds.
Of course, it also restricts the next person who tries to set it to music. Some of the best stuff I've ever done resisted "flowing" when I sang it and held out until I had found a very dramatic and unique pattern to sing it to.
Songwriting can be a bit of a crap shoot.
It's always interesting to hear different versions (melody wise) of the same song.
Got great news today about "Widow". A very talented muso has picked it up; and is playing with the intro today; said "Hmm light spin on dark with a twist"... the music for the widow should be like this too"...and has promised to send it to me tomorrow. So it should be interesting ;D ;D ;D
Can't wait ;D ;D ;D
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Hi Gwyneth,
this is really beautiful lyric. I love it and had fun reading this! :)
I like this verse
It seems that I go
For the accident prone
Planted four husbands
In the cold ground
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This hits you from the first line and as I like this kind of stuff I was hooked (I'm often accused of gallows humour in my own stuff). The twist about half way through is excellent too.
Regarding the flow, well... why not sing it to yourself a hundred times? you'll soon know which words to leave out and what to change :-)
GTB
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Hi Gwyneth,
this is really beautiful lyric. I love it and had fun reading this! :)
I like this verse
It seems that I go
For the accident prone
Planted four husbands
In the cold ground
Hi Hugo
Thanks so much for the kind comments. Glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers
G
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This hits you from the first line and as I like this kind of stuff I was hooked (I'm often accused of gallows humour in my own stuff). The twist about half way through is excellent too.
Regarding the flow, well... why not sing it to yourself a hundred times? you'll soon know which words to leave out and what to change :-)
GTB
Hi GTB
LOL Thanks for the rave, glad you got hooked from the first line ;D ;D ;D
Oh I really love this forum it's so full of lovely people like you I'm giving you
a cyber hug right now :-* lol
Yes, that's a great idea, I'll do that. Funny enough the question has come up about the vocalist
who will sing this lyric being a problem. It's been said that she might be perceived as a Maneater, gold digger; and it might be a problem LOL I might end up having to sing it myself hehehehe although so saying there are female vocalists out there that don't give a toss about sweet and innocent image; and the more kick ass her image the better . Just have to find one of those or...sing it myself ;D ;D ;D
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Hi,
I thought this was really good. Carried the theme through perfectly.
Attractive yet cold. Treat them mean keep them keen with a vengeance!
A cold hearted woman always seems to be a winning formula. Maybe men are masochistic in that sense.
Nice one,
Phil.
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Hi,
I thought this was really good. Carried the theme through perfectly.
Attractive yet cold. Treat them mean keep them keen with a vengeance!
A cold hearted woman always seems to be a winning formula. Maybe men are masochistic in that sense.
Nice one,
Phil.
Glad you liked :-) Yes, I think it's the "danger" that attract, you know like most girls like the "Bad Boy", it's the same for men with the "Bad Girl" hehehe