Hi mate. First off I want to say that I really like this and think it's a great song. As you've mentioned that this is a first take and you want some unrestrained feedback I'm going to offer more drastic suggestions than I might normally. And I'll be more surgical. So here goes.
The intro is at once melancholy and uplifting. I love the guitar sound and the drum sound. It reminds me of early 2000s Radiohead, maybe around Hail to the Thief era. Overall, the backing here is really nice and I especially like the guitar.
Regarding the verses: There are a few times where your vocals become a little pitchy and you might on a second look want to revisit recording some lines. If I am hearing correctly the lead is double tracked? On a closer listen, I think some of the problem is in the double tracking where one of the tracks is sitting perfectly and the other is a little 'unsure'. This was most noticeable to me in the first verse: the lines "YOUR BONES will buckle" and "there'll be VOLUNTEERS for Venus". You just sound unsure at the start of these lines - you're not *quite* sitting comfortable on 'your bones' or 'volunteers'. I think this is because the chord changes are interesting. Similarly, you *just* come off the note on: "and for all your TROUBLE". However, by the second verse you sound pretty comfortable and by the third verse I spotted really no pitching problems at all.
You also want to pay real close attention to your run ups as well: "I could have BEEN a man of letters" the 'been' isn't sitting where it should. And the "AND SO" in to the chorus is a little unprecise. If I am struggling with a hard run up I will normally go back to the problem area and sing it again and again and again until the melody is so glued in my head it's impossible to sing anything else. I would recommend that here.
Your lead vocal is really eccentric and cool. I love the rolled 'r' on 'prospects'. And the "ti-ee-ime" in the chorus towards the end of the song. It really adds a dimension to this song and I think the art of an interesting lead vocal is really quite important. You've nailed that here. It kept me wanting to listen and it's one of two main reasons I wanted to come back and leave such a detailed review.
The other main reason was the chorus: I think it's great and catchy. The harmonies come in in just the right place to lift the song. I don't know if they are *quite* doing the job they could be doing yet, though. I would love to hear that chorus with a big block harmony arrangement. It's quite a static melody line (not a criticism, some of my favourite melodies are static), and these often really benefit from nice, tight harmonies. If you're interested - and with absolutely no pressure to use it - I would love to have a go at just singing an arrangement for you so you can see what I mean.
Production-wise I'm no maestro, but it sounds good. I am flicking between speakers and headphones to get a good listen. You have a nice bass sound in my headphones but I think it could come up a little in the mix as it seems a bit light to me. Your lead vocals dip a little in the climax as well and I think they could come up a bit cause they're in and out for me. Maybe just some compression or clever EQing could do the trick. Can't fault drums and like I said I love the electric guitar - although maybe it could come up in the mix or do with some more layering or panning for the chorus just to lift up that section a little more dynamically.
Lyrically I can't fault you at all. I think they are fun and interesting. It's a sensitive topic - the idea that we're all doing this music stuff to no real end - but the tongue-in-cheek nature of the song keeps it just light enough.
This is a great song and I think it's got real real promise. Please don't be put off by the wall of text and the vocal stuff: I have decided to start giving fewer but much more in depth reviews. I picked this tune because I really like it. Got to be a strong SOTM contender.
All the best. And PM if you have any questions or want to tell me to f*%& off.