The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jambrains on June 24, 2020, 10:34:16 PM
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When @monnodb read my first draft of the lyrics she interpreted it in a completely different (and unexpected!) way. One thing led to the other and after a number of iterations the lyrics are so much better than what I started out with so I owe her big time for all the valuable support. We had fun as well :)
Anyway, this is the first mix so input in that area is much appreciated but so are other input as well so fire away..
I saw the struggles
I saw the fights
The heated arguments
Who was wrong and who was right?
Positions were taken
Lines were drawn
Every point was argued
No one ever backed down
Each day you pushed me
to take sides
Was I with you or against you
Was I brave or would I hide?
I tried to walk on water
and I tried to raise the dead
You knew you needed miracles
But you looked to me instead
You tried to make me choose
I was a child, I was afraid
I couldn’t walk on water
I couldn’t raise the dead
I knew the story
Heard behind closed doors
the screams and then the silence
like so many nights before
Huddled tight and safe
In the space beside my bed
I blocked out all the shouting
With little arms around my head
Each day you pushed me
to take sides
Was I with you or against you
Was I brave or would I hide?
I tried to walk on water
and I tried to raise the dead
You knew you needed miracles
But you looked to me instead
You tried to make me choose
I was a child, I was afraid
I couldn’t walk on water
I couldn’t raise the dead
They pretended that it was normal
The calm and then the storm
The tears and retributions
The promise of no more
The desperate “I love you”s
The pleading not to leave
And I clung to what I knew
If I ignore it, it’s not real
I tried to walk on water
and I tried to raise the dead
You knew you needed miracles
But you looked to me instead
You tried to make me choose
I was a child, I was afraid
I couldn’t walk on water
I couldn’t raise the dead
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
Hi guys, a very 'real' lyric, very nicely judged. Loved the production everything sounded good to me. Not sure how you get the acoustic guitars to sound so natural? Well sung and enjoyed the change to an almost classical chord structure in the bridge.
Nice!
Cheers
Jamie
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
Hi guys, a very 'real' lyric, very nicely judged. Loved the production everything sounded good to me. Not sure how you get the acoustic guitars to sound so natural? Well sung and enjoyed the change to an almost classical chord structure in the bridge.
Nice!
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks Jamie, much appreciated! :)
Yes, the bridge is a little different, I think that is almost my fav part of the song
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Powerful song, @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) and @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820). The little arms line is a really memorable one. And the chorus is genuinely sad. The bridge really works as a moment of reflection, with that lovely organ sound.
The only thing that struck me is that the ending is either too much or too little - I think I'd either end on "dead" or have a bar or two of reflective guitar.
But a really emotional song, very nicely brought over.
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Loved that acoustic, lovely clean sound and a great melodic chord progression. lyrics are very meaningful. Is that a mandolin in verse 2 ? Top quality production as usual. Great work you two :)
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Hola @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
I don't know why your song has moved me some kind of nostalgia or abstract but powerful active feeling ...
I love these lines of your song
I tried to walk on water
and I tried to raise the dead
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Great song guys! Overall I like to mix but I did't like the hi hat in the mid 8 but the drums coming out of it were massive! I agree with @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , I would have ended on Dead.
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Powerful stuff JB.
Nice intro..and it all sounds good to me.
Yes very interesting bridge but it doesn't jar for being a little different...doesn't sound out of place and fits seamlessly into the song.
It sounds sort of like what I remember you sound like - vocals I mean - but somehow sounds different.
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An excellent example of a well written song! Very good indeed! I dunno how you achieve such an high quality sound production! Great song!
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Hi JB
I have to say this is a very accomplished and lyrically moving song. The production and arrangemnt is at your usual very high standard, the acoustic guitars
are a particular standout and the drum sound is 1st class.
My only comment is that I dont understand why you've titled it 'Behind Closed Doors' when 'Walk on Water',in my opinion, would be a more fitting and memorable title especially as its one of the main line in the fabulous chorus,
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You're turning into the forum troubadour @jambrains with these story songs and your attention to the lyrical content is getting better all the time. Quite a tough subject this, but you pulled it off with a deft touch.
The broken down mid section was a great contrast and then helped the final chorus really come in with some impact. It does end on 'dead' now, so you've obviously amended it since the early comments. Definitely works.
Really nice dipping melody in signature JB style. The acoustic work and sound really stood out for me.
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Lovely rock ballad @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)! The lyrics are so genuine and tell a powerful story. Really brilliant work on this, and loved every second of the song :)
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Lovely cascading descending pattern to the verses.
I enjoyed the way the instruments stepped back around 2:30 and then built it back again.
Vocals were on the money too.
Great song!
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I thought this was great JamBrains, expertly sculpted and the M8 did exactly what an M8 should do - took us somewhere different a brief moment, but it still very much felt like part of the same song. Lyrics are super - words that will reveal themselves more with each listen probably. Very pro mix too. No suggestions for changes - you nailed it.
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@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124): Thanks! I see what you mean re the edning but I think I'll leave it be (for now at least)
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269): Thanks for the kind words :-) Yes, it's a mandolin btw
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233): Glad you liked it, thanks!
@Petes: Thanks! Yes, those drums are BIIIIIG ;)
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra: Thank you. Guess I still doing the sam as I always have but (hopefully) a little more refined?
@Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491): thanks for the comments re the production, that is an aspect I hold high. How? Dunno, much trial and error I guess :)
@Grubstar (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22532): Well, Walk On Water has been used for millions of songs but I guess Behind Closed Door is not that unique
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274): Thanks mate! :)
@Andreas (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101): Thank you, you're too kind :)
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253): Damn! I'm running out of ways to ray thanks! ;D
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034): Thanks!
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Excellent song as always!
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) - Super song, lovely choice of instruments, and beautifully played and produced, this is my second favourite from You, I can Change being my absolute favourite.
I can't think of anything that would improve this at all.
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Good morning @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875),
Lovely production and the lyrics take centre stage, telling a story that many will relate to. There's real honesty and emotion here and I really enjoyed the listen.
Well done
Paul
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Hi,
This is a particularly fine song and simply reeks of quality throughout. Can't see anything I'd change - I can just sit and admire with a little jealousy at your talent! Probably your strongest song so far.
M
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To be fair to the woman in your story....you do look a bit like Jesus!!🤪🤣
Great song Jam! No nits from me, especially enjoyed the melody on the bridge.😁👍🏻🎶👊🏻🎶