[Jess]

So, I literally just wrote this and my brain doesn't really work this late at night (yes this is late for me-don't judge!) so I can't tell if what I've come up with is really clever or really confusingly awful.
We've just finished some 'mindfulness' workshop in class and its all about living to the full, having no negative thoughts, not holding back, yadda yadda bla bla stuff, however I then had this song idea- it's about those the people who hold onto the negative thoughts (the glass is half empty type) and this is telling them to stop being so negative because there are people worse off than them and they'll miss out if they're so grumpy.
I'm rambling again. Tired face.
Anyway I want really HONEST opinions and criticism, like seriously imagine this song is a piece of meat and you are a tiger tearing it apart (that's quite a good analogy for almost 11 at night).

Mr. Negativity (open up your eyes)

(Verse 1)
The glass is always half empty
And the levee is always running dry
There's always noise in your library
And with a face like thunder you wonder why

(Pre-Chorus)
Mr. Negative with the rat infested personality
Mr. I'm-So-Dull, purely skin and skull with no emotion underneath

(Chorus)
Cos if you looked at life through someone else's eyes
Would that make you realise what's its like to be blind
Cos the grass ain't always greener in another life
But Mr. Negativity you'll never see unless you open up your eyes

(Verse 2)
The world is always almost ending
And your smile became extinct long ago
I think your heart is fossilising
(Cos you) Ignored the signs for optimism at the crossroads
 
(Pre-Chorus)
Mr. Negative with the rat infested personality
Mr. I'm-So-Dull, purely skin and skull with no emotion underneath

(Chorus)
Cos if you looked at life through someone else's eyes
Would that make you realise what's its like to be blind
Cos the grass ain't always greener in another life
But Mr. Negativity you'll never see unless you open up your eyes

(Bridge)
You'll never see a rainbow
If you keep living with your eyes closed
The glass'll never be half full
If you keep living with your eyes closed

You'll never see a rainbow
If you keep living with your eyes closed
The glass'll never be half full
If you keep living with your eyes closed

(Chorus)
Cos if you looked at life through someone else's eyes
Would that make you realise what's its like to be blind
Cos the grass ain't always greener in another life
But Mr. Negativity you'll never see unless you open up your eyes
But Mr. Negativity you'll never see unless you live through open eyes

[S.T.C]

I`m trying to watch question time. but youv`e got an interesting idea with how people perceive things either in an optimistic or pessimistic way.....it probably needs going over again to iron out areas that would be difficult to sing(maybe i havn`t tried),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.but there`s  some good repeating.

[KEVIN B]

hi jess just read your song, i like it, some really good stuff in there, how about going through the song taking out words that are not needed, and think about how the song will flow when it is sung ! heres an example on your first verse !

the glass is always half empty
the levee is always running dry
it's always noisey in the library
with a face like thunder, you wonder why


just by taking out two words in this case AND, and adding one other, its, instead of there's
imo i think it flows better, and would make it easier to sing !
compare them and see what you think.

then go through your song taking out words that are not needed,
it's only my oppinion jess but i think it works in most cases, removing words, rather than adding them when you revisit your song, seems to work.

but i like the concept, and some really good lyrics, maybe try to get a better flow on the chorus, its more difficult to sing the spoken word, than reading it !!

keep writing jess, some good stuff there !

kev !

[Jess]

Thank you, and yes I overuse AND in pretty much all my songs (and life) so I'm really glad you brought that up- I'm kind of in AND denial...and that's really great advice about the flow

See there were 5 'ands' in that sentence

[Sing4me88]

I think all you need to do is tweak this one slightly and you'll have a belter. Some cracking lines in this one 'always noise in your library', 'rat infested personality', 'your smile became extinct long ago' great lines, very cleverly crafted.

One feeling I do get though is that the bridge is much catchier than the chorus.IMO the bridge would work best as a chorus with 'Mr Negativity' tagged on at the end whilst the chorus would work better as a bridge. I think you've kinda got these in the wrong place. Both are incredibly well crafted so I think it's a case more of where to place them rather than changing them. Just my 2 cents anyway! Great lyric all the same

[Sellon]

I think everything has already been said really, but I've gone through it like 3 times and I have to say that even with the ands it works perfectly fine to me, I dunno, maybe other people just hate the use of it, I myself use it a lot sometimes, just like you.

[Jess]

One feeling I do get though is that the bridge is much catchier than the chorus.IMO the bridge would work best as a chorus with 'Mr Negativity' tagged on at the end whilst the chorus would work better as a bridge.

Ooh...I like that idea...

[GTB]

I have to agree with Kevin B,
remove the chaff so people really hear what's left,
which in this case is extremely good
GTB

[benjo]

hi jess,

some clever work here with these lyrics
you'll have to stay up late more often
the only thing i didn't take to was in the chorus,

Cos if you looked at life through someone else's eyes
Would that make you realise what's its like to be blind

it could be me but i don't get it's meaning
i thoght about it for some time but i couldn't get it
but some nice lines, tony...


              

[Jess]

Cos if you looked at life through someone else's eyes
Would that make you realise what's its like to be blind

it could be me but i don't get it's meaning

I was trying to say a
If you looked at life through the eyes of someone less fortunate than you, would you realise how lucky you are
Kind of thing. But, the wording is weird. Welcome to the world of late night write Jess

[BooBoo]

Hey Jess, I really liked this. I also think it works well with the 'ands' in or out, either way really. I thought it flowed really well and got the point across.

With the lines "coz if you looked through life with someone else's eyes,
Would that make you realise what it's like to be blind" I interpreted it in a different way. I thought of it as if you looked through someone who had a more fortunate life than you would you realise what you were missing. I found it interesting reading the reason of what you meant it to be

Anyway I love the song. Such a unique topic'

[Jess]

Thank you boo! I think those two lines are totally up for personally interpretation, yours is really interesting, that's why I kind of like how vague they are, I like seeing what they say/mean to different people.

[seriousfun]

I defiinately like the idea of swaping the current bridge and chorus around, I just find that lyrically the chorus is more positive than the bridge. It also be worth while to see if you can rework it to be even more positive to show a real contrast and what he could be like if you changed before going back to the chorus for the outro.  Generally a bridge is used to take a song somewhere new and to introduce new ideas,. The swapping of the bridge and chorus almost achieves that for you and a just a little reworking could make that stellar.

Best of luck with it Jess, its a super song.

Allan.

[Jess]

Thank you, I think there will definitely be a structure change here; this is in no way my strongest or favourite piece, so it's lovely (and quite surprising) to hear some praise for it

[Neil C]

Jess, some great lines in there.
Is there a prequel? Why did Mr N become the way he is???
Regarding Kevin B's point I agree about stripping things down to their essence, however I sometimes find when you get to put lyrics to a melody you may need to add in the little 'So' & "And"s just to make it flow. 

Neil