The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Oldbutyet on May 28, 2017, 09:54:12 PM
-
Hi All
A while back Guy Barry when he was here posted some chord sequence on one of his threads that he post and Keith (diademgrove) using those chords put together a really nice jazz blues melody and posted it on the Collaboration League thread, i always like to try something different so i thought i give this a try, a mixture of words and lyrics.
The character in the song is sitting at the bar in a pack jazz club and he getting drunk on whiskey and memories of the woman that left him, in his dream state mind he rambling words and lyrics while in the background he hears the Jazzy Blues Tune.
Would really appreciate your thoughts on this good or bad and we'll take it from there.
Thanks to you all.
https://soundcloud.com/patfeely/jazzy-blues-song-by-pat-feely-diademgrove-guy-barry
Jazzy Blues Song
I'm just wondering is this a dream, I'm i really sitting in a bar
listening to a guy telling me about his life
In the background i hear the Jazzy Blues song
I say to the barman hey, give me a whiskey on the rocks
damn it, i certainly like that tune
I'm starting to sing it to myself now
don't know what words i have at the moment but,
I don't know
That's a sax ain't it, i like that Sam, yeah,
brings back memories
Where did you go why did you leave me darling
I don't understand baby i just cant live like this anymore
I'm in, need of your kiss, i wake up each night just hoping
That the next time you call, you'll stay you're staying
But as time go by I'm beginning to realize that your love for me it has died
damn it, I'm wiping away these tears now and ill throw away those years and im going to say goodbye to you darling, somehow, but just not tonight.
play it again Sam
Yeah, you know in the morning, i lie awake, memories of you, are still there, your lips I long to kiss, and to feel again your loving touch, yeah where did you go darling why did you leave me
as time go by I'm beginning to realize that your love for me it has died
Goodbye darling
Barman, give me another whiskey
© copyright house all rights reserved
-
Melancholy man. A clever piece
-
Hmmm, I'm not sure what to make of this. I liked it in the sense of a story set to music or a piece of art but I don't feel I would know where to start reviewing it as a song.
The only advice I would give is to try to find a better sax sound. The current one sounds quite cheap and synthetic to me and I think it takes away from the authenticity and honesty that this piece is trying to convey. It also sounds quite separate from the 'blues band' in the background.
It'll be interesting to hear how the final version of this turns out.
Yodasdad
-
So two of my favourite live albums (albeit the Waits one was set-up) are Frank Sinatra at the Sands with The Count Basie Orchestra and Tom Waits's Nighthawks At The Diner. This sounds like the bastard child of both of those has gone and bought a dog-eared copy of a Charles Bukowski collection at a second hand bookstore and taken it to a run-down cinema where he's watching old fifties noir movies and is wondering whatever happened to that girl he once knew who sang and looked like Julie London, or was that just the way he remembers her...
It's a bit more like a film script moment than a song. It inhabits the same territory as the aforementioned albums, but anyone would be hard-pushed to muscle in on that territory, on account of those boys have pretty much nailed it.
But, that said, if this was part of a bigger piece, a bigger story, and that sax sound was sorted it could work.
-
First of all my apologies to Keith and Guy the position of the sax was done by me, i was going with the idea that nothing seems right in the mind of the guy sitting at the bar "I'm just wondering is this a dream" sometimes the norm is just another song and as i said, i like to try something different.
Pompey thank you "Melancholy man. A clever piece" i like that
Hey Yodasdad, ill have a word with Sam about that sax, we'll sort something out there maybe even put it in the right position, thank you.
Hey Derek, i really did enjoy reading your post, if this was a court house and you were the judge all i can say is, god have mercy on my soul, i know now why i was thrown out of that jazz club, my apologies and thank you.
You're not really a judge are you :)
-
You're not really a judge are you :)
Only thing I judge is whether I can get away with a country song at a blues gig.
-
I like your idea for this a lot Pat...it reminds me of that Tom Waits live album aswell, where hes drunk or pretending to be
i think it would sound a lot better if you sounded like you were actually in the bar,
at the moment you sound like your at home with a microphone ;D if you know what I mean
If Guy barry wrote this Im very surpprised theres not a argument going on in the bar in the background! ;D
The saxophone does seem to think its a Casio keyboard aswell, so that could be better,
but its still the sort of thing i would listen to bcos it is so different to a normal song & I like that
-
I like your idea for this a lot Pat...it reminds me of that Tom Waits live album aswell, where hes drunk or pretending to be
i think it would sound a lot better if you sounded like you were actually in the bar,
at the moment you sound like your at home with a microphone ;D if you know what I mean
If Guy barry wrote this Im very surpprised theres not a argument going on in the bar in the background! ;D
The saxophone does seem to think its a Casio keyboard aswell, so that could be better,
but its still the sort of thing i would listen to bcos it is so different to a normal song & I like that
Keep this to yourself Tina but we were all piss that night, Sam kept falling over, i don't know why Keith insisted we call him Sam i think maybe it was because we kept saying "play it again Sam" Guy did have an argument, there was a giant mirror on the wall, that man needs to go to specsavers, in the end we were thrown out, it was the only way they could get us of the stage, just as well, i was fed up crying for a woman i never met, darling, who the feck is darling, anyway, we're just waiting now for Tom Waits to call and beg us to go on tour with him 8) 8) 8)
Thanks Tina, really great to read your post ;D
-
Pat,
Love the words, the concept and the whole thing.
Perhaps it could be called Goodbye darlin'
:-) neil
-
Yo Pat and Keith.
This reminds me of the Ry Cooder song 'Can I smoke in Here'. It shares the same storytelling,spoken narrative. Very difficult to do well and to carry off shows a maturity of confidence with a certain knowledge of direction.
It all gels well together,I'd echo the comments of others on the plastic sax letting the side down.
Sound work Pat and Keith. :)
-
Ooooh Pat, I absolutely love how you have interpreted these words. You have clearly conjured up to me a fella drowning his sorrows and the idea of starting to sing then changing back to talking is brilliant.
Also, bringing in the film Casablanca with reminders of the song As Time Goes By and the spoken words Play It Again, Sam.
Wonderful and a great listen for me.
Marrianna :-)
-
Hi Pat Keith and Guy
I've scratched my 'ed until it bleeds trying to figure out WTF this fecking thing works.
But it totally does for me. Pat you are the master of the spoken word song - proven again here. And that music is maddeningly unstructured and cheap but somehow conveys this poor b@stard's state of mind no words could ever do.
Poor, poor b@stard - I know he's fictitious but, still, poor b@stard :)
Why she done gone and broke his heart anyway? ;D ;D
Paul
-
Excellent collab guys....loved it ;D
Imaginative and stylish. Music and vocal come together
to create a lovely atmosphere. I can taste the whiskey ;D
-
Pat,
Love the words, the concept and the whole thing.
Perhaps it could be called Goodbye darlin'
:-) neil
Thanks Neil, the title of this did bug me for a while as i wasn't to sure what to call it, the reason why is he rambling with words until he hears the sax and at the time i didn't want to look beyond that for the title, i thought it might give away what the song is about, but you have me thinking about this again and "Goodbye darlin" sounds good but maybe "Play it again Sam" although for the time been ill leave it as is, good to read your thoughts on this Neil.
Yo Pat and Keith.
This reminds me of the Ry Cooder song 'Can I smoke in Here'. It shares the same storytelling,spoken narrative. Very difficult to do well and to carry off shows a maturity of confidence with a certain knowledge of direction.
It all gels well together,I'd echo the comments of others on the plastic sax letting the side down.
Sound work Pat and Keith. :)
Hey Davy i been searching for Ry Cooder song but i cant find it don't know if i heard it before but will keep searching, thanks for the kind words, the direction this song took was all due to the melody Keith put together, i just went with the flow, thanks Davy.
Ooooh Pat, I absolutely love how you have interpreted these words. You have clearly conjured up to me a fella drowning his sorrows and the idea of starting to sing then changing back to talking is brilliant.
Also, bringing in the film Casablanca with reminders of the song As Time Goes By and the spoken words Play It Again, Sam.
Wonderful and a great listen for me.
Marrianna :-)
Thanks Marrianna really please that you like this, the lyric lines were taken from an old lyric that me and a friend wrote a good few years back, his name is included on soundcloud, as for Play it again Sam that idea came to me by chance, on some of the vocal recording i was doing i record the line "That's a sax ain't it, i like that sound" but on listening back the word "sound" sounded more like "Sam" which give me the idea for that line "Pay it again Sam" great movie Casablanca but you know the story, that line was never said but it will always be in that movie if you know what i mean, thanks again Marrianna.
Hi Pat Keith and Guy
I've scratched my 'ed until it bleeds trying to figure out WTF this fecking thing works.
But it totally does for me. Pat you are the master of the spoken word song - proven again here. And that music is maddeningly unstructured and cheap but somehow conveys this poor b@stard's state of mind no words could ever do.
Poor, poor b@stard - I know he's fictitious but, still, poor b@stard :)
Why she done gone and broke his heart anyway? ;D ;D
Paul
"I've scratched my 'ed until it bleeds" haha ;D ;D sorry about that Paul but you think thats bad i had to spend time with this guy ;D ;D
TBH i don't know why she broke his heart, let the listener decide their own reason but im thinking maybe just maybe, her name is Sam and she plays the saxophone 8) yeah yeah, thanks Paul for your kind words 8)
Excellent collab guys....loved it ;D
Imaginative and stylish. Music and vocal come together
to create a lovely atmosphere. I can taste the whiskey ;D
Hey Bin i like your taste man, thank you and i will admit, i this enjoy getting into character for this one, thank you Keith and Guy.
Cheers all 8) 8) 8)
-
Yo Pat,you are right I can't get the track on YouTube either.
If you use Spotify,you'll get it there. It's on the album 'I Flathead'.
-
Yo Pat,you are right I can't get the track on YouTube either.
If you use Spotify,you'll get it there. It's on the album 'I Flathead'.
Yeah Davy got the first part of it i like what im hearing didnt hear it before, want to hear more and will do so, talk soon 8)
-
My thanks to Pat, this turned out way better then I could ever have anticipated.
The sax sound was chosen to highlight the melody with Guy Barry's chords. When I created it I had no idea it would end up as part of a finished song.
Although I get what Yodasdad is saying about the sax sound but cheap and synthetic goes with the type of bar I imagine Pat to be drinking in.
Pat deserves all the credit for this, so once again, thanks
Keith
-
Interesting collaboration guys.
The songs paints a picture and I feel like I'm in that Jazz bar, but not concentrating on the music at all....just thinking about my own life.
Been there and done that .
Well done guys
Sandeep
-
Hi Guys,
This is like listening to the TV whilst stood in a different room, or like being sat next to a chap in a bar listening to his story. Works very well.
Pat sounds totally wasted ;D
I'd want to buy that guy a drink... or a bag of peanuts.
Very different, intriguing and well thought out.
Digger
-
My thanks to Pat, this turned out way better then I could ever have anticipated.
The sax sound was chosen to highlight the melody with Guy Barry's chords. When I created it I had no idea it would end up as part of a finished song.
Although I get what Yodasdad is saying about the sax sound but cheap and synthetic goes with the type of bar I imagine Pat to be drinking in.
Pat deserves all the credit for this, so once again, thanks
Keith
Thanks Keith, its all down to team work mate.
Keith right, to find the character i imagine me drinking in a jazz club getting drunk with whiskey and memories while listening to Keith jazzy blues tune, then in character i went with the flow but to be honest, the thoughts of cheap and synthetic, never intra my mind.
Its call songwriting 8)
Interesting collaboration guys.
The songs paints a picture and I feel like I'm in that Jazz bar, but not concentrating on the music at all....just thinking about my own life.
Been there and done that .
Well done guys
Sandeep
Hey Sandeep, (Interesting) i do like that word, i think some maybe even most of us has been there and done that, now we write about and sometimes, we might even sing the words to it, thanks for your thoughts on this mate, and maybe sometime in the future we might all meet up in a jazz club, interesting 8)
Hi Guys,
This is like listening to the TV whilst stood in a different room, or like being sat next to a chap in a bar listening to his story. Works very well.
Pat sounds totally wasted ;D
I'd want to buy that guy a drink... or a bag of peanuts.
Very different, intriguing and well thought out.
Digger
Thanks Digger, took a while to get the vocals right then i had to find the room where the mic was in, dont remember to much after that, found a bag of peanuts in my coat pocket the following morning ;D ;D
-
Nice concept & Your delivery of the lyrics suits your inimitable style. The background music needs to create the mood of the lyrics & is not too bad falling slightly short of creating a smoke filled bar atmosphere. Enjoyed listening to it :)
-
Hey old Friend remember 8)
https://soundcloud.com/beckylucythomas/denmark-street
-
Yep! Becky :)
Hope shes well :) shes definately missed :) Not sure if she emigrated?
-
I really like the storytelling. And i agree with the sax sound.
But it is a great song