Hi Katie,
I know you're reworking the lyrics, so I'll hold out for v2. Just to add to CaliaMoko's comments ahead of the re-work; the "I'm dying, I'm dying" line gives a strong message, that kind of loses impact the more you use it. Personally, I'd use it to close each verse, or the chorus, but not both. The biggest impact would be once, as the last words of the song.