[Niels]

Hey,

The lyric that I'm presenting you today is taken from my short-story 'Poison Of Hearts'. A tale that to this day hasn't found a home in a magazine. This tale is compilation of diary-fragments, lyrics and phonecall recordings. Mirrors is one of those more poetic texts in this story.
The lyric itself is about how love can sometimes haunt you, or at least that is what I tried to do.
Any comments are welcome, Whether it be on content, grammar or the impression that you get from reading them.
I'm excited to read them all .

Mirrors

Mirrors are portals
to magical realms.
A world of burning desires
and broken promises.

The more I look
The more I see her.
Wherever I go
she follows me around.

Mirrors are portals
to the Netherworld.
Broken and alone
I keep staring.

[CaliaMoko]

Hi Niels,

Okay, I've been through the lyric a few times, and I've tried to write my impressions, but now I'm starting over.

I like imagery using mirrors, especially as "portals to magical realms". Unfortunately, that kind of setup gets me thinking in terms of fairylands or happy places. Typically, (in my experience, anyway) when something is described as "magical", it's a good thing. Clearly, though, that's not the case in this lyric.

So, the mirror is a portal. The speaker/singer is moving from the real world to a magical world, which turns out to be the Netherworld. He's gone there, I assume, to find his true love but he ends up "broken and alone". So this is a sad song. So, for me, I would prefer to get rid of the "magical realm" setup, but maybe you're going for the unexpected twist?

Anyway, on to the lyric potential. It's an interesting little piece, but quite short. In general, it comes across to me as more of a free verse type of poetry rather than a lyric. I'm pretty attached to the idea of rhyming lyrics in songs and rhythms that flow together in identifiable patterns. I think it's probably a good example of free verse, but I'm not sure it would make a good song.

The inconsistent rhythms would take some work to fit into a rhythmical melody. I'm don't know what you had in mind. Maybe you're thinking something less structured--recitative style maybe? I could see something like that working. A dirge-like melody wandering morosely through the lines until it expires painfully at the end.

I don't mean to be all negative...sorry...I know it sounds that way. I am often amazed by what someone is able to do with a lyric that appears to me to be far too irregular to fit into anything musical. I'm sure someone could do something wonderful with this piece. I think it would need to be pretty slow and maybe repeated a time or two to make it long enough to count as a whole song.

Obviously, this is all just my opinion and might not be relevant to what you are looking for at all. Just ignore it if you don't like it. I'm very pleased to see you participating in the forums and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Vicki

[diademgrove]

Hi Niels.

I'm reading your lyrics whilst listening to Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus and singing your words to the rhythm. With a bit of give and take they work.

I initially thought your lyrics where a little short but on reflection, with the right musically backing they could really work.

I'm impressed. Have you thought about the music that goes with the words?

Keith

[hardtwistmusic]

Hey,

The lyric that I'm presenting you today is taken from my short-story 'Poison Of Hearts'. A tale that to this day hasn't found a home in a magazine. This tale is compilation of diary-fragments, lyrics and phonecall recordings. Mirrors is one of those more poetic texts in this story.
The lyric itself is about how love can sometimes haunt you, or at least that is what I tried to do.
Any comments are welcome, Whether it be on content, grammar or the impression that you get from reading them.
I'm excited to read them all .

Mirrors

Mirrors are portals
to magical realms.
A world of burning desires
and broken promises.

The more I look
The more I see her.
Wherever I go
she follows me around.

Mirrors are portals
to the Netherworld.
Broken and alone
I keep staring.

My one suggestion.  Because I couldn't make the line in question flow musically like the rest of the lyric when I read this.  If you have worked that out... ignore the suggestion. 

Mirrors are portals
to magical realms.
A world of burning desires
and broken promises.

I LIKE that "magical" is used to describe a negative emotional "realm."  Magic isn't necessarily good, and "magical" need not mean "wonderful."  We English speaking people have mis-used the term for so long as a positive adjective that it has come to mean "wonderful" in most of our minds.... but your use is (imo) perfect..... and it jars the listener in a very good way. 

I'm assuming this is a work in progress, so I'll just briefly mention that it is too short, and lacks a distinctive chorus and/or refrain and/or bridge.  So far, it paints a rather incomplete "picture in time" and has not yet attempted to conclude the story or provide closure.

[Draven]

Mirrors

Mirrors are portals
to magical realms.
A world of burning desires
and broken promises.

The more I look
The more I see her.
Wherever I go
she follows me around.

Mirrors are portals
to the Netherworld.
Broken and alone
I keep staring.

It's a good basis for a song idea. I'd have to read your short stories if the subject matter has a haunting vibe because I get a kick out of that.

Anyway, I guess if you're aiming for a haunted sort of vibe in your songs, I personally wouldn't include words like "magical" or "Netherworld" in it. Words like that seem to detract from that whole "love lost" or sorrow atmosphere. When one thinks of the word magical (and I know magical doesn't have to mean good magic. It could mean evil magic as well), usually it conjures up imagery of fairytale castles or princesses. That sort of thing.
Now I know the word Netherworld does refer to dark underworlds which is a great envisioning considering your lyrics. But I find the word Netherworld a bit too "cartoony". Maybe substituting it with Purgatory or something that sounds a bit more haunting would be perfect.

I love your generous usage of "I" in this setting. It can perfectly encapsulate just how affected or torn that you were from this situation (not to mention, it's a perfect interaction device with the audience).

Would like to see this finished. Good luck!