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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: refusedrevival on February 08, 2018, 06:42:36 PM
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Hi, English is not my mother language,
so I appreciate all feedback and comments what I can get.
Is there something that a native English speaker says in another way?
This is going to be a rhythm and blues song.
refusedrevival
Verse 1:
She's got style
and a contagious smile
when she pulls me over
after following me for a while
She has Forty-four on her hip
with a classic solid grip
I roll down my window
baby, I wanna bite your lip
Chorus:
She says
Mister, don't push your luck
Spin your wheels before you stuck
You are on a wild goose chase
Wild goose chase
Verse 2:
A beat playing in my chest
when I pass the breath test
I got a feeling that
I might have been blessed
Baby, step in to my Cadillac
Get me back on the track
Ride on the highway of love
through hell and back
Chorus:
She says
Mister, don't push your luck"
Spin your wheels before you stuck
You are on a wild goose chase
wild goose chase
Outro:
She's the top cat in the town
but she turns me down
I'm on a wild goose chase
Wild goose chase
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Your English works pretty well through most of the lyric. I have a few suggestions you can take or leave as suits you. I've pasted the lyric below, marked up with my suggestions. I think it should be clear but, if you need any clarification, let me know.
Verse 1:
She's got style
and a contagious smile
when she pulls me over
after following me for a while
She has a Forty-four on her hip
with a classic solid grip
I roll down my window and say,
"Baby, I wanna bite your lip"
Chorus:
She says
"Mister, don't push your luck
Spin your wheels before you get stuck
You are on a wild goose chase
Wild goose chase"
Verse 2:
A beat playing in my chest
when I pass the breath test
I got a feeling that
I might have been blessed
I said, "Baby, step in to my Cadillac
Get me back on the track
Ride on the highway of love
through hell and back"
Chorus:
She says
"Mister, don't push your luck"
Spin your wheels before you get stuck
You are on a wild goose chase
wild goose chase"
Outro:
She's the top cat in the town
but she turns me down
I'm on a wild goose chase
Wild goose chase
Some explanations of why the suggestions.
1. Words I crossed off I think are extra, not necessary. Getting rid of them makes me feel the lyric is stronger and tighter.
2. Words I inserted were for two reasons.
a. Clarification and to make the statements more like they would usually be said in English: "...before you get stuck" ("...before you stuck" sounds awkward) and
b. "...and say" and "I said"--both of these are to smooth out sudden changes in, oh, what's it called when you're saying "she", "he", "they", etc as opposed to "you", "your", etc? Oh yeah, changes in "person" 1st person, 2nd person, etc. First you're using third person (referring to "her" and "she"), then suddenly a couple times you slip into first person point of view (saying "I wanna bite your lip", instead of third person "I wanna bite HER lip".
I hope some of that is helpful. If so, great. If not, no worries. Just ignore it.
Vicki
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That's a really good lyric. That's a really good lyric from a non-native English speaker...
CaliaMoko fixed the unclear spots...
It soounds very country...maybe i'm wrong