[mikek]

it reads autobiographically, from the singers perspective...  and is just not a message i would want people to think came from my own heart.  i don't get the explanation that one party is clean and the other is messed up, instead more of a co-dependent tragedy.

[CaliaMoko]

Now that I know what the lyric is about, I like it better than I did before I knew. It does not say to me what you explained.  I don't know if the problem is my density or a lack in the lyric. Certainly could be me--wouldn't be the first time. 

Forging ahead as if the problem lies in the lyric (otherwise, I wouldn't have anything to say ) I'm thinking about what would make me believe the story line you are trying to tell.

The opening lines imply (to me) someone is encouraging someone else to take pills, get high, and get addicted. How to make it sound like the protagonist is desperate to do anything, even to the point of becoming addicted to drugs, in order to be with the object of his affection.

Your opening lines work so well with the music the way they are. Maybe you could update the second verse somehow to show his reluctance, but willingness due to it being the lesser of two evils (in his eyes).

Do you wanna take pills tonight?
Do you wanna get high?
We could take it to the hills
Pitch dark, stars shining in our eyes tonight

And if I could tell you how I really feel
And let you could show me how the world is so unreal you deal with being young
We'll get addicted cuz we're young and Take me with you; I consent to be undone
AndI'm hooked on that mass your personal appeal

I know the last line is bad, but it illustrates my thoughts.

Just ignore all this if you don't agree. I hope I've been of some assistance.

Vicki

[Mutrins]

Interesting perspective - and a good tune - but the song still comes from a perspective of me-ness, but perhaps that's a reflection of modern society.  If he really loved her, he'd walk away rather than feed the habit that's ultimately going to kill her.  A tribute to Amy Winehouse perhaps.

Mike

Totally get what you're saying. But this just captures a moment in time. Of course, as human beings we know the right thing to do. But we don't always make the right decisions for ourselves (or for others). And sometimes we need a big life lesson and rude awakening to see that.

[Mutrins]

Yep,

Very current, nice production and a good idea for the song - just stay away from my kids with them pills!

My only critical thought would be that at times it felt like there was a little too much melodic content. Not bad generally but for the type of song maybe some parts could have short, more memorable ideas.

Just a thought.

Good work though.

Yodasdad

Thank you for your feedback! By too much melodic content do you mean the instrumental or the vocals?

[Yodasdad]

Hi,

The vocals. I just thought that some lines had a few too many notes and wandered a bit more than they needed to. With this type of song you want it to be as catchy, hooky and memorable as possible and I just thought there was a bit to much to remember and get hooked on at times.

Yodasdad

[Mutrins]

it reads autobiographically, from the singers perspective...  and is just not a message i would want people to think came from my own heart.  i don't get the explanation that one party is clean and the other is messed up, instead more of a co-dependent tragedy.

Truth be told, it's autobiographical. But I believe honesty and I also believe that no one is perfect. I'm sure everyone has done at least one thing in their life that they regret. Or look back and say "what was I thinking?". And any form of art should tell the truth and I think it's interesting to show the "dirtier" side of people as well as the side that we strive to be. I've written quite a few "love" songs (and happy songs) but I do find a lot of inspiration when I dig up some real life experiences.

Also, It's definitely a co-dependent tragedy. I didn't mean to imply that one party was clean.

[Mutrins]

Now that I know what the lyric is about, I like it better than I did before I knew. It does not say to me what you explained.  I don't know if the problem is my density or a lack in the lyric. Certainly could be me--wouldn't be the first time. 

Forging ahead as if the problem lies in the lyric (otherwise, I wouldn't have anything to say ) I'm thinking about what would make me believe the story line you are trying to tell.

The opening lines imply (to me) someone is encouraging someone else to take pills, get high, and get addicted. How to make it sound like the protagonist is desperate to do anything, even to the point of becoming addicted to drugs, in order to be with the object of his affection.

Your opening lines work so well with the music the way they are. Maybe you could update the second verse somehow to show his reluctance, but willingness due to it being the lesser of two evils (in his eyes).

Do you wanna take pills tonight?
Do you wanna get high?
We could take it to the hills
Pitch dark, stars shining in our eyes tonight

And if I could tell you how I really feel
And let you could show me how the world is so unreal you deal with being young
We'll get addicted cuz we're young and Take me with you; I consent to be undone
AndI'm hooked on that mass your personal appeal

I know the last line is bad, but it illustrates my thoughts.

Just ignore all this if you don't agree. I hope I've been of some assistance.

Vicki

You've definitely got me thinking. I do get what you're saying, and it's obviously clear to me because I know exactly what I mean, but it's pretty much open to interpretation to anyone else. Or it just doesn't make sense at all! LOL

I do find it interesting (and fun) to have multiple meanings in songs. It leaves it open ended. If I didn't have the pre chorus (and some parts of the second verses) then it could be just a song about getting high and having fun with a love interest.

The lines in the pre chorus change the mood rather abruptly, I think ("And it's better than being a lone, I'd rather have you drunk and high...") but I wanted to hint (or more than hint) that this wasn't exactly a "happy" song.

And in the second verse "Do you wanna take everything that I am?" "I'll gladly hand deliver my lungs and liver" are lines that (i thought--it works in my own mind haha) also show what lengths we might go to for the object of our affection (in this case lots of drugs and alcohol).

I get very weird about changing lines. Even when I'm writing on my own in the beginning stages I just want to keep everything the way it is. That might not be the best way to write a song, but for some reason I get easily married to a lyric.

I really do appreciate all of your generous feedback and I will keep it all in mind if I ever dive back in and do some more editing to this. I do feel like I might leave it alone for a while because I've worked on it and heard it way too many times!!!

Thanks again!

[Mutrins]

Hi,

The vocals. I just thought that some lines had a few too many notes and wandered a bit more than they needed to. With this type of song you want it to be as catchy, hooky and memorable as possible and I just thought there was a bit to much to remember and get hooked on at times.

Yodasdad

I see what you mean. There is kind of a lot happening. Just like my lyrics, I HATE changing melodies and notes LOL. But, I will keep this in mind should I go back in and change anything.

Thank you for your feedback!!

[JoaquinAnton]

Hi,

Good production. The music and the vocals work quite well together.

About the lyrics, I also got the wrong message first until you explained them.

Cheers,
Joaquin

[Cawproductions]

Hi Mickey,
I agree with Yodadsda, Great track, Vocal could do with a bit more melodic range, and a few more dynamic sections.

Again, you voice sound great

Good work