[Ivar Sand]

A letter to a person with whom it appears that the author of the letter has a love relationship, describes a trip that the author of the letter has arranged, and that is to happen in the imminent future. However, since the author of the letter has just decided to withdraw from the love relationship, the letter is also a farewell letter.

This is the second song I have posted on this forum.

https://soundcloud.com/user-611198077/a-place-to-your-liking

       A place to your liking

I think I've found a place that's to your liking.
The kind of place at which you love to be.
Out back, long, green hills are striking.
Out front, there's a view of the sea.
But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you.

A footpath towards the hills starts at the doorstep.
The path is flanked by many a giant tree.
The footpaths in the forest are abundant.
From a viewpoint, there's a mountain range to see.
But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you.

It's a short stroll down to the village,
There's the station and a beach that is clean.
The beach is loved by sunbathers and children.
To reach it, walk across the village green.
But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you.

A ticket is included in this letter.
Since you like it, I've secured a window view.
The packing's done; included is a sweater.
The train is set to leave at five past two.
But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you.

...

[Neil C]

Dear Ivar, that put a smile on my face. Kraftwork meets a nursary rhyme. I like the words too.
 
Neil

[Dutchbeat]

Hi Ivar,

that is cool. That is the most minimal drum track i heard for ages, or forever, yet it works fine. Nice song, a very happy sounding sad song.

[nooms]

enjoyed this iver
you sound like peter gabriels mysterious lost twin who the family dont speak about..
you have his tone in your vocal
like the little payoff lines at the end of each verse.
think you could go straight to the last verse without a pause and if you added a little extra weight or something to that last verse it would close it with more of a bang
but very nice mate, charmingly dark and nicely done

[S.T.C]

Yeah that worked....quite a charming little tale..with a skip along melody..i got a bit a Pete Gabriel also!

[Ivar Sand]

Thanks, Neil C. I am glad you enjoyed my song.

I think I understand what you mean with "nursary rhyme" and "Kraftwork": on the one hand the description of the picturesque countryside and on the other the grim reality of the ending relationship.

[Ivar Sand]

Thanks for liking the song, Dutchbeat, and thanks for the compliment.

By the way, the day I uploaded the song I decided to change the drums for the verses from something a bit more complicated since I thought maybe a simpler drum pattern would be more effective.

[Ivar Sand]

Thanks for the compliment, nooms, I am glad you enjoyed my song.

Thanks for comparing me with Peter Gabriel's lost twin; maybe you are thinking about George Lewis Jr. However, he has a fine voice, and I would not dare to compare myself to him. Nevertheless, thanks for liking the tone of my voice. Earlier, I have thought about seeing a music teacher in order to take singing lessons to improve my voice, but I have not done so since I sing merely to demonstrate the melody and the lyrics anyway, and, in addition, I have been doubting my potential as a singer. Well, maybe I should give it another thought now.

If I understand you correctly, the little payoff lines that you call them, are: "But I won't be there …". (These lines are the chorus;    in my song verse and chorus are built together instead   of being separate.)

I assume that the pause you would like to see eliminated, is the part at 2:08 - 2:16, a part that I call a small bridge myself. (I am not sure if "bridge" is the correct designation as I do not know too much about music yet.)

[Ivar Sand]

I am glad you found that the song worked, songsthatcry. This is only my second song here, so I was quite uncertain about the lay of the land for my song. Thanks again for liking the song and finding my voice interesting!

[man of simple pleasures]

i kinda like this!

[krish]

In the first two lines I was switching off, but gave it a chance and got hooked! the predictability is actually its strong point as it progresses! Can't wait to hear more :-)

[Florida Mike]

The most liked thing for me is the campy lyrics, fun story. For me I would from a production standpoint rather hear this recorded on an acoustic piano and be more like a funny pub song as I got bored a bit with the same tone of the keyboard especially the keyboard bass, and felt the middle section was too long and could be cut down to be an 8 bar bridge section...again I like the lyrics and the voice is fine as well just the production seems very "Horizontal" with few ups and downs so to speak...cheeky lyrics though!

[Ivar Sand]

Thanks for having a listen, man of simple pleasures, and thanks for your support.


Thanks for not letting me down, krish!

I got hooked to my song myself when I used an echo effect on the intro (and in other, similar places) called Nylon Shimmer in GarageBand. I wondered at the time if this echo effect would be exaggerated or camp so that  attention would be diverted from the theme of the song, but I loved this effect, so I decided to keep it.

[nooms]

listened several times now,
theres something agatha christie about it, 1950s, dont know why, something in your language..
kind of malevolant brief encounter,

at the end of the the third verse, before the rundown go straight to the 4th verse..

To reach it, walk across the village green.
AND GO STRAIGHT TO ..
A ticket is included in this letter.
Since you like it, I've secured a window view.
The packing's done; included is a sweater.
The train is set to leave at five past two.

But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you
AND REPEAT
But I won't be there with you,
'cause you and I are through,
I'll rather be alone than be with you

and close the song as you have been.
if you can underline those final chorus lines..extra chord or vocal or both, it would help it, give it a peak and a conclusion

dont mean any criticism, just suggestion, this is a little cracker of a song..

[Ivar Sand]

Thanks for taking the time to review my song, Florida Mike.

I appreciate that you liked the story. The lyrics are a poem, and I wrote the poem first, so the music is based on the poem. This is the only way I know how to write music.

Ok, so you found the middle part a bit too long. This is the part I was most worried about because this is the first time that I try to write a bridge of some length, and I feared someone might find it too long. I can see that there is some amount of repetition in there, so I guess I should be able to make it shorter.

Yes, there are few ups and downs especially in the verse. One reason is that I need to improve my songwriting skills. However, the few ups and downs in the verse (excluding the chorus part ("But I won't be there …")) might be justified. My idea was that the few ups and downs here would indicate the tenseness of the singer when describing that beautiful place because, at the same time, the singer would be aware of the fact that he or she was not going to be there together with the recipient of the letter.